Relapsed and Climbing Out Again

[Whit Huntington]

Hi all,

I had a dire and unexpected relapse 2 days ago.  What people said here about hard relapses coming up very unexpectedly is so true.  It was 100% unexpected and really intense.  But I did what I needed and am coming up and out just 2 days later.

I broke up with uBPD ex boyfriend just before Christmas.  It was half easy half hard.  It finally clicked in my head, my own internal emotional realization that nothing would get better and I didn't want this - which made it easy.  I also ended it without many tears, which was surprising since I'm a weeper.  I just felt numb and kind of dead inside.  I was hopeful that I had done all the grieving already.  But it was really that I'd been emotionally vampires.  My depression relapsed (the hard part), so I've had to up my dose for a while.  No biggie.

But overall I've been doing great, I have not wanted him back AT ALL.  FINALLY.  It was so easy to remember the ways in which he undermined me, the stonewalling, avoidance, withholding, silent treatment...  that I just felt fine.   Until 2 days ago.  I ran across a video we took the night before I left for my out of town Christmas project.  Seeing how perfect it had been again set off some kind of explosion inside, and I cried and cried.  I had a terrible 2 days.

Today I almost started weeping again so I finally just smartly went back into my phone and read through all the texts towards the end, the ones that remind me how hard I was trying and how he'd just ignore or minimize me... and thank God, I finally stopped the waterworks, I truly thank God for that.  And that's why I'm writing: being socially isolated during this Coronavirus, you might be very vulnerable, prone to ruminating or feeling lonely or nostalgic.  It may feel like a setback.  Or worse, you may feel tempted to reach out again...  please, do NOT do that if you can.  Reach here instead. 

I cannot emphasize enough how wise the advice was that I saw here: Keep a list of SPECIFIC examples or direct evidence of how terribly this person treated you, and keep it at the ready.   Especially now.  I came across just one instance of video of a very happy memory, and I was thrown off a cliff for 2 days.  Back into all the massive pain and feelings of betrayal and feelings of longing.  God, it was just horrid.  But thank God I had those texts to scroll through, they are the only thing that stopped the heartache in its tracks.

I will say the prognosis is generally very good to recover...  Once my mind clicked, I sent my breakup text and blocked both his numbers.  I'd never blocked him during our 2 previous breakups - I was still in love.  So this was it for me, there was no going back.  I can only imagine his feelings when he saw all his texts turning green, not blue.  A couple of weeks later, I stupidly looked at his Instagram and got sad, so... I blocked ALL of his social media, ALL of his toxic friend's social media and phone number, and I blocked his email; any email he sends will just go straight to trash.  I don't need to read it.  The only chance he would have to reach me would be to literally show up at my door (thank you quarantine!) or to send me a hand written letter which - he won't.  Even if he did, there's a trash bin right there.  He just has no right to be in my life anymore.  It clicked, and I just don't love him like that anymore - he's a nice person, he tried.  But he's a fraud as a human.  And I'm not willing to be his collateral damage.  He's not welcome to my care. 

I think Corona must be an actual existential nightmare to him... he 100% cannot sit alone with his thoughts, the emptiness starts to overtake him and he has to get moving.  His escape routes were: workaholism, flying internationally on business to Asia and Europe, international conference calls, dealing with his son (who was at a rehab boarding school), having "no signal" or time at airports, etc.  So right now... he must be going insane.  Cuz he is either stuck in his place alone with no work to focus on and with all his usual escapes blocked, or he's stuck face to face with his son, who has all the same issues with him that I had...  Yikes.  I have casually wondered in certain moments, gosh, what is he gonna do to get through this...?  But really, for the most part... I don't wonder.  I don't think about him because I'm busy worrying about other people.  So, I guess I don't really wonder about him at all - no desire to check on him, no real concern.  I just shrug, and I realize again and again... I don't really care.

Take care of yourselves and the people who care for you.  Lots of love.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Whit, Well done.  You had two miserable days, but didn't reach out.  Give yourself credit.  You only parted ways a few months ago (Christmas time), which is a relatively short period of time.  It's normal to backslide from time to time.  Hey, we're all human!  The key is that list of how you were treated poorly.  It's easy to remember the good times and we tend to block out the bad times, because they are so painful.  You are on the right path, in my view.  Keep us posted.

LuckyJim

[JNChell]

I have to agree with Lucky Jim. Give yourself some space to think about what you experienced and if you want to experience it all over again. It sounds like you’re going through the bargaining phase of grieving. Maybe some anger in there? The important part is questioning whether or not your values and virtues somewhat match up with this guy. You were emotionally enmeshed with him. Be aware of that. Most importantly, be aware of how that made you feel.

[Whit Huntington]

Thank you  Lucky Jim and JNChell, I appreciate the replies and support.  I would like to offer the same in return if you need it.

If I understand correctly, the phases of grief don't always go in the same order, right?  Whatever the order, I'm pretty sure I'm in Anger.   Which feels good.  So much better than denial, bargaining or depression...

I'm definitely past the idea of wanting him back, ZERO wish for that.  I think that wasn't clear in my first post: Even when I relapsed and was weeping for those 2 days, there was ZERO part of me that was truly tempted to allow or engage in contact.  I wept yes, but without real longing for him.  I think I cried over footage of seeing myself so easy and unguarded with him, and seeing how intensely loving he had been the very night before I left.  The night before he relapsed into all the behaviors I had thought were gone for good.  So... it was a strange relapse.  I was broken for 2 days, but at the same time I didn't wish for him back.  I did not want to be in his arms again, I didn't want to speak with him or miss anything about him...  I just felt a terrible sadness that I hadn't felt in a while but wasn't linked with any wish...  it was incredibly strange.  Usually that kind of sadness is tied to a wish to get something back... I can't say I've ever experienced something like that before.

But that difference is what's important this time, and that's what made me say that others should feel hopeful...  I'd broken up with him twice during our 2 years together.   Those 2 times, I still loved him...  I didn't block his number, he was able to reach me.  The second time I didn't respond for 4 months and had intended to move on, but then he actually moved to my city, having done therapy and came to me willing to "do whatever it took to make it work."  And for a while, he really did...  he spent time with me, talked with me, accepted my feelings, owned his shortcomings.  He had realized I would really leave him, so he'd gotten himself into therapy and was applying those lessons to myself and to his son.  He was better and better with each passing month. 

But when I left town for work in November, he started having some troubles with his son and work.  And that's when you get reminded of who people really are.  He just completely reverted to some of the cruel behaviors from before, and took out his pain on me - he became non-responsive in order to avoid getting directly angry at me (a dealbreaker).  He stonewalled me, gave me avoidant answers, didn't respond at all, lied, other things...  And that was it for me, click.  That was his final chance and he knew it.  He doesn't have a place in my life anymore.  I don't respect him anymore. 

I think the bargaining may have happened during that during the 2 years of off and on...  But I don't really know.  This post was way too long... all I wanted to say was that yes, you may have sudden, shocking relapses, but use the techniques people recommend here to pull yourself out as quick as you can.

I don't wish for his love or presence anymore.  The only thing I'm asking for these days is for all my loved ones to stay safe from this virus, for the world to pull together.  And in a tiny corner of my heart, I wish for me to completely forgive and embrace myself.  I'm getting there slowly.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm getting there slowly.

Hey Whit, Yes, you are.  How does the snail climb Mt. Fuji?  But slowly, slowly . . .

Part of your sadness could be grief over letting go of the dream.  It hurts to part with something we think is going to last.  Yet the act of letting go is what frees up space for something new.  It's a mysterious process, which in my experience leads to greater happiness.  That's what it's all about -- greater happiness -- right?

LJ

[Attic]

The relapses happen.  They can be extremely intense.

The blocking is important, that will help you.  These people can only abuse you if YOU let them.  I read a lot from folks with BPD on the internet who rationalize their behavior, truth is they are abusers and most are too broken to take steps to resolve their abusive behavior.

I'm happy for you that you are out of that situation and moving towards a much better and healthier future for yourself.

[Whit Huntington]

Thank you Attic and LJ,

Attic: You're correct, he could only hurt me when he was allowed into my phone or emails or presence.  Disallowing him (blocking) was huge and felt so good.   Taking that option away from him (and myself) just relieved a LOT of pressure.  It was just like "done. he can't contact me anymore, it's impossible."  But I also didn't get there til I got there.  No one else could have hurried me along, and I couldn't hurry myself either.

Lucky Jim, you're EXACTLY right, I forgot!  It IS letting go of the dream, the fantasy is what still rumbles around in my brain!  Gosh, I knew that once upon a time but had forgotten it for a while...  The reality when I was in it got so nightmarish, I left.   A + B = C.  Lol it's amazing how simple it is but also how hard!  Thank you for that reminder! I will keep that in my mind if it drifts back in any way.