her birthday coming up

I know this is a detachment group and I've read other posts. In some weird way I was wondering if there are success stories out there? Here it seems to be a news station for unhappy endings. Don't get me wrong, I come here to vent and get support and could use some now. Partly, what i'm struggling with is I wish there was a place on here where couples who made it through, got help etc could talk to us versus me just contributing another sad story. But here I am with no happy story to tell. On Dec 29th, I finally walked away and went no contact. I chose this because I had broken up with her last August, she begged for reconciliation, I allowed her to come visit me (because I loved her) and as soon as she got home she went haywire again. The problem is that she is a sex addict. She was the first gf that I ever had that really liked porn. Usually women complain about men being addicted to porn but not only that she was addicted to self pleasuring herself. I shared this with a sort of acquaintance / long distance friend and he said, "man that's sexy". I said, well not when it ruins your relationship. Anyway, all of her dyregulated episodes emerged after fapping. We talked about it and I really tried to help her see how it through her hormones off and sort of a self induced bpd mindset would be the byproduct. It was for this reason that I felt it was "fixable" that if she just would deal with this the byproduct bpd would go away (and she did for one month and it was the best month we had!).

I have a roommate now who is a alcoholic. He is a very accomplished researcher and smarter then a whip. He's also very compassionate and respectful etc. But he told me when he drank he was a _______. his current fiancé left him and they didn't talk for a year. He finally got help and then contacted her. it was the only ex he ever went back to . She seems to keep him in line like Robert Downey Jr's wife does. I was hoping to have that effect on my ex but we were long distance and she was from another country on a visa. So I felt like we had the cards stacked against us. despite this I tried everything to help support her with her addiction. (you know its an addiction when you have sex with your lover 4 nights in a row and then they go home and fap off for the next 3 days and then paint you black because they are freakin out of their right mind). Anyway, with my roomates story I had and maybe still do hold out hope that if she got or gets help that we could have the same story.

There are many complications and truthfully I had to execute some tough love in Dec. We had reconnected in Nov of last year and I found out her grandma was passing. I video chatted with her every night until her grandma passed. One time during these hospital visits she got dysregulated again and started arguing in front of her dying grandma. I redirected her and eventually we got past that. After her gm died, we continued to talk but I didn't want to bring up the relationship status because I felt like she was needing to mourn. She started calling me on video every night and I felt like we were repairing again. Then the last night, my phone died during a video call. So I tried her back on my backup phone on messenger. She didn't answer ( I thought). I asked if she blocked me? she said no. once my phone was charged enough I called her back. She admitted to hanging up on me because she said, "we broke up on messenger and so it is too traumatic for me." I was beyond being able to have any tolerance for that. First, she distorted. I didn't break up over messenger. Second , a week earlier she had sent a pick of her grandma's funeral service to me through messenger. At first, I said, "it's like you're being vindictive?" Because she hung up on me based on a premise that was incorrect and trying to get back at me. She didn't like that but I was in a very different place. She pushed me to the edge because all I could think about was that I was there for her during her grandmas passing and she still doesn't trust that I love her. I felt like I could say a line from the Julia Roberts movie. I was just a man trying to call my gf back because we got disconnected because I loved her and she hung up on me and painted me black. Oh, the painting black came after I said, "did you fap last night?" and she said, "this morning" and I said, "I have to go ". While I was asleep she sent me a text telling me she was done with the drama in 2019 and to have a nice life and blamed me for reopening the wound in our relationship when we were just healing. "'

I was devastated and angry. I didn't reply. 4 days later another text and more blame and painting black. I didn't reply. Something snapped in me. The fact that I was there for her when her gm passed and did other things to get her out of her trauma self inducing mind and all I got was blame put me over the edge.

I have never regretted it but it proved to me that she could drive me to my worst because that is not who I like to be- someone who has to walk away like that. I imagine she has found a new sex partner because she cannot be without male attention. Her birthday is coming up in April and I know her- she is probably waiting to see if I reach out or send a card or something. However, I think if I do it's just going to backfire and feed her narcisistic part. (its hard to delineate bpd from npd isn't it).

So all the above was my logic and self protectiveness etc right. But the bottom line is that I wish underneath it all for a miraculous recovery. I did more fun things with her in the short time we had together then with any other partner. I miss our friendship when she wasn't dysregulated. I truly believe that her bpd was self induced by totally throwing off her brain chemistry like an alcoholic. Like my roommate , I think she is a good person when she's not "drunk in her post fap fallout". I almost want to write a book about it because I have seen excessive sex ruin other relationships (sort of like the over passion syndrome). I believe this variety of bpd's can be helped if the chemical induced brain altering part of the equation is helped. But I am fighting myself as to whether avoiding her bday will push her away forever? I'm afraid to find out that she might be with another man anyway. Oh and something that is different for me that I have NEVER experienced. Usually once an ex moves on to another guy I could never imagine taking them back. Somebody told me that it's harder for guys to do this because of biology and sort of a primative instinct of mating? I don't know but in this case if she were to get help and own her stuff and stay in therapy etc. I would consider it because underneath I can still see beauty. Thanks for listening. that was a long one but I have been holding this inside for awhile.



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