Changes in relationship after leaving home?

[Ilovedogs]

Hello, this is my first post. I am the adult child of a bpd undiagnosed mother and undiagnosed npd dad. I have aspergers syndrome.

My question is, if you were a little parent all your childhood to your bpd parent, and they expressed total dependency on you being with them forever and expressed they needed you and couldn't live without you and loved you more than anything in the world, when you left home is it common for your bpd parent to begin to behave as if they hate you, as if you cannot do anything right and have betrayed them? This is how my mother has been with me. She remarried and ever since has behaved as if I am wicked (!) or like I do not exist. It is quite confusing especially due to my autism, hard to comprehend why someone would tell you for 18 years you were everything to them, and you promised to be there forever for them, but then suddenly they turn around and act as if you are nasty, hated or irrelevant to them. I am only beginning to learn about why this happens in bpd.

It is different with my uNPD dad who also changed dramatically when I left home, he also became very hating and negative but I do not feel he thinks I betrayed him, I feel he thinks I disobeyed him. Different feelings.

Has anyone else had experience of a bpd parent who thought them all good as a child suddenly become very hostile when you left home or grew up? It got worse once she was remarried, far worse, too.

Thanks

[Kwamina]

Hi Ilovedogs

Dealing with disordered parents can be very difficult. You mention both your uBPD mom and uNPD dad. How long ago was it that you moved out? Did your parents immediately start to treat you differently when you left home?

The way you describe your mother's behavior, I do see certain aspects I've definitely seen in many other stories about BPD parents, such as a fear of abandonment, and splitting of people (all-bad or all-good). As children grow more independent, this can be perceived as a threat by the uBPD parent.

It also seems that both your parents very much try to apply fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) to try to control you and make you do what they want:

….fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG") are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Would you also say your parents try to apply FOG to you?

Welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot

[Ilovedogs]

Hello, yes I think there is a lot of FOG going on, I feel fear obligation or guilt a lot anyway. Thank you for your reply.

[Kwamina]

You're welcome

It might help you to take a look at the following article then which describes the concept of FOG in more detail:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

Why is it do you think you feel so much fear, obligation and guilt anyway? Do you think this is the result of how your parents treated you all these years, or are there also other reasons perhaps?

Have you found successful ways of coping with the FOG?

[Ilovedogs]

Thank you I will look at the article.

Yes I think the FOG does come from my interactions with them. I am in therapy trying to work it out. I always believed it was my aspergers causing the symptoms but I'm seeing this is not at least largely not the case.

Thanks

[Kwamina]

I'm glad you have the support of a therapist. Having a solid support network can really be invaluable as you navigate this challenging situation and try to make sense of your childhood growing up with disordered parents. And now you can also include BPDFamily as part of your support network

How long have you been seeing this therapist?

When you grow up in such an environment, it is all you know and especially when our parents say things to us, as children we often accept everything they say as absolute truths. It is good that you are now learning to look at your parents and childhood with new eyes so to speak, allowing you to see their dysfunctional behavior patterns.

[Ilovedogs]

Yes, it's a relief to have a good therapist. It helps to have one who know about aspergers however, I would not recommend one who does not understand autism as inadvertant harm can be done soo easily.
Thanks