Member Gives Me Healing Insights on BPD Hurtful Behaviors

[zachira]

I have received some insights from another member on one of the relationship boards on why people with BPD treat others badly. It goes like this: The person with BPD puts on a superficial mask of being a nice person for people they are not close to, and it is a constant struggle to maintain the facade. When a person with BPD drops their facade of niceness, than out comes the ugly mean behaviors which brings out the shame about how the person with BPD feels inside, thus escalating the bad behaviors with those people who know this side of them. At some point, the person with BPD can feel so much shame about showing their ugly mean behaviors to others that they distance themselves and/or ghost and/or mount a smear campaign against the people they have shown the sides of themselves that they are so terribly ashamed of.
I have wondered for years why my mother and siblings with BPD just seem to suddenly go into a rage when people are especially nice to them, and when they spend lots of time with close relatives during holidays and vacations. I have also wondered why my siblings are just nastier and nastier towards me, as I continue to be the adult in the room and respond more appropriately. I know my sibilings and other family members with BPD for who they are, and I have invaded their secret world and boundaries. There is no way they can take back how horribly they have behaved or the shame they feel about showing the ugliness they feel inside.
I share this because the insights of this member are healing. It helps more than to just say it is not about you, it is about them and how they feel inside.
It also helps me to realize that boundaries are key. I have often tried to have close relationships with people who are not capable of having close relationships and with people who desire to keep the relationship at a superficial level. I am realizing it is important to meet people where they are, and not where I wish they were.

[Methuen]

I am realizing it is important to meet people where they are, and not where I wish they were.

yes yes yes

[JNChell]

People with personality issues/disorders basically crap all over our good intentions, olive branches, basically anything that we offer as “good”. pwBPD/narcissistic abusers are on a spectrum. You know this, just throwing it in there.

In my own experience, I believe that you’ve hit the nail on the head. They know that you know who they are. They’re afraid of being exposed. At least the NPD’s. The BPD’s may be feeling shame and unable to handle it. It’s hard to know for sure. Patterns can tell us a lot.

[JNChell]

Patterns might help you map out where to meet them where they are.

[gotbushels]

zachira  

When a person with BPD drops their facade of niceness [...]

Yes, makes sense. This seems consistent with that pwBPD's behave worst with people who are closest to them. I think there's a lot of causes and reasons behind this aspect of the disorder, and I don't think they have this deliberate and conscious chain of logic where they "drop" their act. I think it's quite automatic/learned, which emphasises your point that you're not responsible for this aspect of their behaviour—it's not about you, as you put it.

It also helps me to realize that boundaries are key.

Yes, I agree boundaries are critical. Boundaries are a lot about maintaining the dynamics of a given two-person relationship and how you want it to go. Not how you may have been wishing it to go. With "normal" people they seem to have this automatic set of structures set up—but with a BP, particularly in a close relationship, the sort-of fluid structures of how they operate (socially and psychologically) mean that you have to be the one to set up those boundaries and structures in your relationship with them.

I am realizing it is important to meet people where they are, and not where I wish they were.

Yes, agreed.

I'm glad to see you're somewhat enjoying your peace.   

[shield-me]

zachira, you are a survivor! You go through so much 

I totally agree with you about how BPD siblings behave. I have heard about about this theory called empath vs. narcissist. The BPD sibling is the narcissist but the victims (like us) are the empaths. Narcissists want to steal all the good energy us empaths have because BPD siblings are empty inside. Empaths are nice innocent people and victims. And, always remember empaths (victims of BPDs) always hold the good power. You are powerful in good ways and never let any BPD sibling take that away from you