my mom has BPD, at a crossroad... need help :(

[Haley Plumb]

 

Hi there,

Looking for some help... I'm at a crossroad with my mom who has untreated/undiagnosed BPD.  I've been dealing with my mom's explosive volital emotions most of my life (I am 25 years old) but recently came into the awareness that her behavior is actually a well known personality disorder that sums up my life experience better than I ever thought possible. Even just scrolling through the Google articles have provided clarity as to what I've been up against, and that I'm not alone after all. 

My brother passed away suddenly in a motorcycle accident at the age of 21 about three years ago and he truly was the only one who understood what kinds of turbulance we've been subjected to with our mom.  The loss of my brother was like losing my parent in a sense because we've always relied on one another to feel safe since our worlds consisted of walking on eggshells even after we moved out on our own. 

My mom's symptoms have intensified a great deal since my brother had passed away, and its been almost unbearable to manage because she lashes out on me, threatens suicide, mentally/emotionally abuses me on a regular basis and essentially takes me on the emotional rollercoaster she's riding and its eating me alive. i've seen this take a huge toll on my mental health so much to where i've inherited unhealthy patterns/defense mechanisms and severely low self esteem.  My mom has blacklisted everyone else in her life besides me (typical BPD thing when they don't get there way) and decided to move to TN where she lives alone so i feel as if the burden always lies on my shoulders of her illness.  i feel so alone in this situation because none of my friends or family understand nor are they involved in a way that gives me any relief.  i can't keep getting abused like this on a regular basis yet i feel like if i were to cut her out of my life temporarily and she took her life, i know i would feel responsible for her actions for the rest of my life even when i know its not my fault.  i don't know if cutting her out will push her off the ledge and with her living so far away with noone else to fall back on, i'm not sure if it would even make me feel better.  i just need some sort of guidance as to what i should do because you can only set so many boundaries until they keep getting broken again and i feel like i'm falling apart.  please help

[gotbushels]

Haley Plumb  

Welcome.

I've been dealing with my mom's explosive volital emotions most of my life (I am 25 years old)

I appreciate what this is like for you. A lot of people here do.

but recently came into the awareness that her behavior is actually a well known personality disorder that sums up my life experience better than I ever thought possible.

I know what finding out feels like. I share hope with you that things usually get better after the point of recognition—because you'll find a lot of effective ways of dealing with the person.

My mom's symptoms have intensified a great deal [...] its eating me alive.

This sounds like a horror to manage. You aren't alone. A lot of us here have people close to us where it feels like they drain the life out of you—while you try to cope.

To give you some encouragement, I do think you're in a better situation than a lot of people. You'll learn that live-in arrangements can often be even worse because you may feel you've no escape.

i can't keep getting abused like this on a regular basis yet i feel like if i were to cut her out of my life temporarily and she took her life, i know i would feel responsible for her actions for the rest of my life even when i know its not my fault.

It seems like you're feeling guilty for the problems created by others. Something that helps many of us here is the lighthouse analogy.

Consider a lighthouse. It stands on the shore with its beckoning light, guiding ships safely into the harbor. The lighthouse can't uproot itself, wade out into the water, grab the ship by the stern, and say, "Listen, you fool! If you stay on this path, you may break up on the rocks!"

No, the ship has some responsibility for its own destiny. It can choose to be guided by the lighthouse. Or it can go its own way. The lighthouse is not responsible for the ship's decisions. All it can do is be the best lighthouse it knows how to be.

Source.


I share with you the positive expectation that things do get better. I hope you'll share more.

[zachira]

You have come to the right place for support, understanding, and tools to deal with a mother with BPD. From what you have shared about your mother, I believe she would qualify in certain places for unlimited mental health treatment and would benefit from DBT therapy which could take a lot of the burden off you of being the only person involved with your mother. It is understandable that you find it overwhelming to have so much responsibility for your mother while fearing what she might do if you did not have contact with her. I am wondering how you are responding to your mother's suicide attempts. Committing suicide is a real possiblity with people with BPD and at the same time, people with BPD often use suicide threats to manipulate those closest to them to not abandon them. It might help to locate the suicide resources in your area, and see how they can help you to find support for yourself and your mother. There are many members on this site who are/have been in very similar situations with a mother with BPD who reagularly threatens suicide and are/were the only caretaker of their mother. You will certainly hear from some of these members. You might also want to look at other threads on this PSI Board where members describe similar circumstances to yours. Do take special care of yourself in these challenging times and keep us posted on how you are doing, and you are welcome to post as often as you need to, and there is no limit on the length of posts.

[Methuen]

Hi Haley Plumb

I am sorry to hear of your distress.  I landed on this website when I was falling apart too.  That was last summer.  You will find lots of support here.  It can get better.

I also offer my condolences at the loss of your brother.  It is a double loss, because as you say, he was the only one who really understood the experience the two of your shared within the family dynamic of BPD right?

I am an only child, living in the same town as my mom.  Nobody around me (except for husband) has ever had a clue either.  It's so isolating to have no one who shares the same experience, or who can understand, right?  

The good news is the people on this forum "get it".  

My mom's symptoms have intensified a great deal since my brother had passed away,

This happened to me too, after my dad passed away (15 years ago).  Now that I understand BPD, I understand why.

she lashes out on me, threatens suicide, mentally/emotionally abuses me on a regular basis and essentially takes me on the emotional rollercoaster she's riding and its eating me alive. i've seen this take a huge toll on my mental health so much to where i've inherited unhealthy patterns/defense mechanisms and severely low self esteem.  

What is your living arrangement?  Does she live in the same town as you?  Or does this abuse happen over the internet/text/email?  You mentioned she lives alone in TN, but I'm wondering if she's across the street, or a few hours, or states away?  Knowing that could aid us in helping you move forward with coping strategies.

none of my friends or family understand nor are they involved in a way that gives me any relief

I'm curious why "family" isn't involved with her.  Is it because of distance, or something else?

i feel like if i were to cut her out of my life temporarily and she took her life, i know i would feel responsible for her actions for the rest of my life even when i know its not my fault.  i don't know if cutting her out will push her off the ledge

This is tough.  So you know that suicide is no one's fault, and yet you mention you would feel responsible.  This is because she has trained you to feel that for her.  This is called FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

Here are a couple of links about FOG if you aren't already familiar with this concept.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I once had a counsellor explain to me that some of his "BPD" clients would talk about suicide.  He would say "let's call the ambulance right now".  Almost always, they suddenly weren't suicidal any more.  On the other hand, if you feel your mom could be at risk for suicide, then it would be appropriate to call for an ambulance.  This could be an important step, because then there is also a health record of this, should it become a pattern.  But if she is saying things that make you uncomfortable (hinting at suicide), this could also be an inappropriate expression for how low she is feeling.  Maybe, in this case, you could try SET, and see how that works?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0;all
(keep scrolling down)

Perhaps SET could help her feel validated (a good tool to use with pwBPD who are in the throes of an emotional dysregulation).  This could be helpful for both of you.

you can only set so many boundaries until they keep getting broken again

Can you give us an example or two, of boundaries you have set that have been broken?

i feel like i'm falling apart.

Super important to take care of

yourself

.  How do you do this right now?