Those of you who left...what was the final straw?

[mstnghu]

Ccswim, it’s good that you are thinking very carefully about bringing children into the world, particularly with your husband’s lack of empathy. So many members here have spoken about loving their children, but regretting creating such a longlasting bond with their BPD spouses.

This is a good point. I love my 8 year old son to death but the reality is, whether my wife and I are still married or not, I'm stuck in some form of relationship with her until our son turns 18...and most likely beyond that even if I have no legal obligation to be a part of her life past then.

I originally wanted to have two or possibly even three kids when my wife and I got married. The person I am now can't even fathom the possibility of fathering another child with her. She really wanted another child for a long time and pushed the issue with me frequently. She doesn't bring it up anymore. As much as I didn't want my son to be an only child, I knew that it would be completely reckless and irresponsible of me to bring another kid into our toxic dynamic.

[Cecee]

Also, I’m just sick of feeling like s*#t all the time. This isn’t me. I’m sick and tired of feeling worried and upset and tired and confused.

Sorry if I’m rambling. Just trying to work through my mental processes. I saw a psychologist last week who is going to help me through this. We don’t have any children yet so I feel if I’m going to leave then it should be now. I’m 32 and I do want children.

I can't tell you what to do - stay or go. But I can share my experience as the few facts are similar. I didn't have the understanding of what was going on, or the courage or realizing how serious this was when I was your age and at the beginning of the relationship. I did question it a lot but thought things would just get better, and I'd probably not find someone else (he would tell me how terrible I was and I believed it). I now have two children with my husband and my life is utterly unbearable. I am completely trapped. I am only here b/c of my children. I dont want to ruin their lives by divorcing him. But I am miserable every day, I try and tell myself this is my normal, I try and say it doesn't matter - as long as the kids are ok and unaware I will just get through this and one day it will be over. But I realize how tragic that is, I mourn my life on a daily basis b/c I know this is it and I wont get to do it again, happily. I dont know if the behaviour ever stops, for me its only got worse (he's suicidal, he spat on me recently) and now its too late. I hope your therapist helps you work through this and your options to ensure you get a chance at the best possible life you can have x

[alittleawkward]

Best friends for 3 years, together for 9 months.
For me it was a collection of things that built up until they all toppled:
- lying about a restraining order on an abusive ex yet communicating with them regularly, always causing a scene
- Selling indecent content online but claiming otherwise
- Long Distance
- Demeaning comments about my friends and family
- Blaming me for self harm
- Lovebombing then spending days degrading me
- Being told my own mental health should be less important to me then hers
- She quit her job then expected me to do the same to spend more time with her
- Calling me every day to tell me how much better and mature she is than me and how she feels like she puts in all the effort in the relationship

I always had 3 rules in a relationship, don't talk about it badly online, don't be physically abusive, and don't cheat. Funnily enough after all that the final straw was a tweet about me she did when my phone died mid call. She assumed I just hung up on her but it ran out of charge and I didn't bother turning it back on until I was at work the next day. A whole collection of tweets were done about me, she had told me I should leave my job because she should be my priority, and said I was causing her great panic and she'd self harm if I didn't reply.

I said I was done. She told me she'd kill herself if I left. I left, and got 6 months of messages about how much pain I had caused and how stupid I am. I only found out she had BPD 5 months after the split. Even now when we chat, things get bitter. I really really miss my best friend, but it gets easier each day I'm away from her... 10 months on I'm just waiting to find the confidence to put myself out there again and find someone who I click with as much as I did with my ex.

[once removed]

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