Hi wmm
my mother has been making up a story about my sister having Covid 19 and being on a ventilator and needing dialysis for weeks now...Turns out she contacted her friend afterwards and told her I had been at home for 5 weeks because I was too anxious to go outside, which isn't true.
This is really annoying right? Your mom is telling people things about you and your sister that aren't true, and since it's about you, it affects you personally. And it's probably about trust too right? And respect? It feels like she shouldn't be saying things about you that aren't true...
Maybe think about this from your mom's point of view. BPD is a disease of emotional dysregulation. Us "non's" have our ups and downs in life, but for a BPD these feelings are X100 on steroids, and they can't cope with these intense feelings. Worse, these feelings become "facts" for them. Once they think them, they become the "truth". In addition, at the root of BPD is a fear of abandonment. So, do you think it's possible that your mom, knowing that you and your sister have both had cold/flu symptoms, imagined the worst, thinks it could be Covid (which then becomes a fact for her because of the BPD), and then shares this information with her friends
either because she is terrified of losing you to Covid, or, because it will get her attention? Remember that when she is saying these things, she is not thinking "rationally", and she probably isn't even aware that she is lying, because she believes it (her behavior is being driven by her deep fears).
I have learned there is a pattern with my mom. She is always telling me about sick people. They are always so sick they are going to die. She talks ad nauseam about this kind of stuff, but since learning about BPD, I've kind of learned to let it roll off my back a bit and not take it at face value anymore. Her friends haven't died. They always get better. But what I've learned when she's saying that kind of stuff, is that she is really scared about losing her friends.
The difference for you is that your mom is saying these things about you, and since you aren't there when she's saying them, you don't have a chance to set the record straight. And it's just really annoying right?
The best suggestion I have, is that since she is probably behaving because of intense fear of losing you, and her behavior is based on her
emotion and not any rational thinking, you could try using SET to validate her feelings of fear. This does NOT mean you are agreeing with her. You are not. It just means you are letting her know you understand she may be afraid.
Eg. These days are
scary for everyone with Covid 19. (fact which validates her feeling). Sister had the sniffles after her trip. I have been under the weather lately too. (facts). Since you are our mom, I can understand you could be scared and worried about sis and I with Covid being active. (empathy) Then see what she says to this. She will probably speak to being scared. Then you could say: The good news is I have been to the Dr and am going to be fine. If anything changes, I will let you know. We are all fine. I love you mom.
If that fits for you, you could try it and see what happens. I am optimistic that validating her fears may help to manage her behavior in the future. She's done what she's done this time. But understanding what is at the root of that behavior (including the lies and dramatizing and attention seeking) has helped me. Having an awareness of this, helps me better recognize when my mom's emotions are getting away on her, and I know I can best help her manage those intense feelings, by validating them (which is NOT the same as agreeing with them). Do you think that could fit for your situation? Is this example making any sense?
Here's a link for SET:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0;all
