Co parenting more harm than good

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been sharing care of my nieces and nephews for over 4 years. We removed them from their parents who were both abusing drugs on advice of police who were about to make a protection report.
We have been in the family court system since then and currently have orders for shared care with my sister the children’s mum. The 4 children spend four nights a fortnight in her care and the majority of school holidays with her and their dad.
We manage the day to day of school, medical and provide a stable loving home life.
Their mother has been diagnosed with BPD and has been in therapy for over 3 years.  We have a family report that supports this situation and expect final orders to be the same,
This could be over a year away and I don’t think the end of the court case will change anything.
The ongoing conflict with my sister is getting on top of me.
Of Late she has begun making false allegations of us stalking her and turning the children against her and withholding allowing phone access. Last week she called the police to our home for a welfare check.
Her narrative to the children is that we stole them from a happy life together and are keeping them from her for no reason. This is very confusing for the children they are torn between two very different lives they love their mum and like the fun they have at her place but also feel  sad for her when they come back to our home.
They have stated they like having the two homes but We are questioning wether our continued involvement as co parents is doing more harm than good.

[The awful Aunty]

I have been sharing care of my nieces and nephews for over 4 years. We removed them from their parents who were both abusing drugs on advice of police who were about to make a protection report.
We have been in the family court system since then and currently have orders for shared care with my sister the children’s mum. The 4 children spend four nights a fortnight in her care and the majority of school holidays with her and their dad.
We manage the day to day of school, medical and provide a stable loving home life.
Their mother has been diagnosed with BPD and has been in therapy for over 3 years.  We have a family report that supports this situation and expect final orders to be the same,
This could be over a year away and I don’t think the end of the court case will change anything.
The ongoing conflict with my sister is getting on top of me.
Of Late she has begun making false allegations of us stalking her and turning the children against her and withholding allowing phone access. Last week she called the police to our home for a welfare check.
Her narrative to the children is that we stole them from a happy life together and are keeping them from her for no reason. This is very confusing for the children they are torn between two very different lives they love their mum and like the fun they have at her place but also feel  sad for her when they come back to our home.
They have stated they like having the two homes but We are questioning wether our continued involvement as co parents is doing more harm than good.

[kells76]

Hi "awful Aunty" (though I'm sure you're not that bad  ), welcome to the boards 

Really glad you were able to find us as a resource and place of support.

So you're in the thick of things, huh -- family court system, kids' mom has an actual BPD diagnosis, and false allegations. The drama really never ends, does it?

You've hit the nail on the head with your assessment of what's going on:

Her narrative to the children is that we stole them from a happy life together and are keeping them from her for no reason.

Yes, that has been our experience as well, with my "dear husband's" (DH's) kids' mom. There's always A Narrative. The narrative is that he is "self centered, weak, emotionally abusive, uninsightful," etc. And when things happen to upend the narrative, she doubles down on it. There's no way for facts to permeate through to her.

This is very confusing for the children they are torn between two very different lives

Yes, so true. My 14 year old stepdaughter (SD14) feels like she's one person at Mom's and another at Dad's (but fortunately is working on that). SD11 is having a harder time right now, and wants to resolve the conflict and tension by saying that Mom and Stepdad are her "real family".

We are questioning wether our continued involvement as co parents is doing more harm than good.

Which shows that you are trying to put the kids first. Remember the story of King Solomon, and the two women who came to him, both claiming that "this baby is mine"? So he said, How about I cut it in half, so it's even, and you both get part? The first woman said, Sounds fair to me! The second woman said, If that's what you would do, then please just give the baby to her. Guess who the real mom was?

Wanting the kids not to feel torn in two shows true compassion and empathy. Of course you're questioning your involvement. We can help you walk through your turmoil and questions here. I just want to add that the very fact that you care so deeply about the kids that you could even ask "is my involvement hurting them" shows that you're the exact kind of person they need.

Please keep posting whenever you like. I'd love to hear more about the kids (ages, etc) and how they're each doing, when you feel up for it.

Cheers;

kells76

[worriedStepmom]

Hi Aunty, and welcome.  I'm glad you found us.

Your nieces and nephews are lucky to have you.

What your sister is doing is pretty common.  My husband's ex-wife has undiagnosed BPD, and she makes comments like that to my stepdaughter ALL the time.  It's a form of emotional abuse.   H's xw has less time with SD than your sister has with her children, primarily because of that emotional abuse.

If you can, document these kinds of comments, and document the childrens' reactions afterwards.  This kind of evidence is usually powerful in court.  Your sister may need to be ordered not to make those kinds of comments.  She may need less time with the kids, so she can't damage them as much.

Don't let the comments put you into the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  H and I, for years, were trying to prove that we weren't trying to "steal" SD from her mother - so much so that we didn't recognize for a long time that we were doing what was best for xw and not for SD.

It sounds as if you are doing what is best for the children.  They need you.

[Panda39]

They have stated they like having the two homes but we are questioning whether our continued involvement as co parents is doing more harm than good.

Trust that you are doing good.  You are providing stability and structure that your nieces and nephews need even if it is only part of the time.  The kids still see their parents and that is also important because kids love their parents simply because they are their parents.  So I think your nieces and nephews are getting the best of both worlds.  A good stable home life and contact with their parents.  Your job is to help make sure that contact with mom and dad is not having a negative effect on the kids.

Sadly your sister's behaviors...false allegations, false narratives...show that she still has issues to work on.

How old are the kids?  How do you think they are handling things?  Are they in Therapy at all?

Validation of the kids feelings is a great tool.  Here is a link to more on raising resilient kids...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

So glad you found us, there is alot of information, tools and support to be found here.

Take Care,
Panda39

[The awful Aunty]

Thank you for support, we know the children need us in their lives and the only way that will happen is we continue in the court process just so hard at times but to mention the $$$.

Children currently with mum for school hols so will use this time to recharge.

Thanks again

[kells76]

You're welcome!

Yes, the $... ugh. We recently had to contact our lawyer again after almost 4 years. Not sure if he will bill -- we were able to resolve things pretty quickly -- but I guess it'd be our "peace of mind" fee.

Children currently with mum for school hols so will use this time to recharge.

This is a great way of thinking -- take care of yourself with the "no kids" down time, so you can be your best when they're with you again.

What kinds of things do you do to take care of yourself?

[The awful Aunty]

There is usually no contact from my sister when children are with her so it's not feeling under attack that is the recharge. I find that I am able to handle things better after the break.

We have been using OFW as our main form of communication for two years but it's still a real struggle. Her mind reads on us and our motives doesn't align with our actual values and this makes her false accusations very challenging. It's not possible to say anything that will change her views but also infuriates her if we don't respond. Definitely a no win situation. 

I do miss the children who are now 13,12,11,9 and worry about their mum's behaviour when they are with her but I also feel as though I can breath again and be more myself again.

We get a bit of a glimpse of how our life would be if we were not caring for the children. I spend more time with my husband and adult children and grandchildren just relaxing and doing normal family things together. We'd normally go away for a few days in school holidays but with the virus regulations we are just staying home catching up.

[zachira]

You are making important differences in the quality of life your nieces and nephews have now and in the future. I was raised by a mother with BPD and one of the scapegoats of the family. The kindness of my aunts, uncles, friends, and strangers have helped me in many ways, even if it was only a kind gentle contact of just a few minutes with a stranger validating me as a person worthy of love and respect. Children are often made to feel that they have to be 100 percent loyal to the disordered parent(s) and wanting to spend time with anybody else is viewed as betrayal and abandonment by the parent(s). My parents spent hundreds of hours trying to convince me to dislike the aunts and uncles who were kind to me. The book "Divorce Posion" has many valuable pointers on how to respond to the lies that parents tell their children to alienate them from anyone they view as a threat to having complete loyalty of and control over their children. You can tell your nieces and nephews that they do not have to choose: they can love you and want to be with you, and they can also love their parents and want to spend time with their parents.

[ForeverDad]

If the kids were always with their disordered parent, then how would the children really figure out what normal vs abnormal were?

Since a substantial part of their childhood and youth are in a reasonably normal home with calm, reason, stability and love then they will grow up being able (and more likely) to figure out what normal is.  That insight will help them for the rest of their lives, especially when grown and they choose their own relationships and life mates.  Hopefully they would avoid becoming like their disordered parent or marrying someone like their disordered parent.

[Panda39]

We have been using OFW as our main form of communication for two years but it's still a real struggle. Her mind reads on us and our motives doesn't align with our actual values and this makes her false accusations very challenging. It's not possible to say anything that will change her views but also infuriates her if we don't respond. Definitely a no win situation.

What if you let both of these things go, you can't change her views so don't try.  Accept that she is gonna do what she's gonna do.  It is hard to let go when you know the kids may get hurt or miss out on something but there are natural consequences to our actions.  My step-daughters were repeatedly let down by their undiagnosed BPDmom and in some big ways.  At 18 the older daughter went no contact with her mom and voted with her feet and moved in with her dad full-time.  The younger daughter still has some contact with her mom, mostly phone or text but both know not to trust their mother in certain areas particularly related to money.  It's hard to watch their mom let them down but sometimes we have to learn things the hard way, had the girls not learned those hard lessons they would not be as good at protecting their own interests.

In terms of not responding to your sister's emails, sometimes it's just the right thing to do.  When it becomes a verbal bashing there is no need to reply.  Sometimes responding is like pouring gasoline on a fire.  Only respond if it is about the kids and use BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm). 

Panda39

[The awful Aunty]

Thanks Everyone again for your encouragement it really has helped me.
Panda39 your latest reply just what I needed to hear this morning.