I screwed up

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

So I have the need to write this down. I can't seem to move on from, what I would say, traumatic breakup experience with my ex. It has been 5 months since the breakup and I still feel like a bad person. We were extremely attached.
So here is what happened.

Few days before she got sick, she told me that she is struggling with some sort of depression - this was 8 months into the relationship. I felt furious, because she didn't tell me that sooner (we were basically every day together). I've thought that this person is hiding stuff from me and I felt total disconnect with her.
Few days after that, she got sick - fever and soar throat. She called me to take care of her.
Even tough I was angry because she was hiding such important stuff from me, I came to her home and made her tea, brought her medicines and spent some time with her. I suggested to take her to the doctor but she told me that she can do it alone. This happened the next day as well, I came to home to take care of her.
I didn't want to mention anything about my current feelings, I wanted for her to feel better, and then to have a conversation about it on why she was hiding something so important about herself.

As the days were going by, obviously she was in a low because she was sick, and she was telling me that the situation is becoming worse for her. I felt extreme pressure because I couldn't do anything except to offer to take care of her, or to take her to another doctor. Her parents took her to another doctor and then she started to feel much better next days by her words.

Now, during this time when she was sick, she planted a doubt in me. I started to sense that something is off about this person and I started to question everything about our relationship. I started to reverse conversations, situations and I realized that this person might have some mental illness. It was like an eye opening for me as I never really encountered anyone in my circles with such states - but I also felt furious because I kind of ignored some red flags. I was angry on myself and on her as well. I felt extremely anxious, disconnected while she was sick, as it felt like I was trapped in her cage.

I needed my thoughts to be elsewhere those days while she was sick, so i posted a picture of myself on instagram, mainly to start conversations with other people. She would tend to comment on everything I do basically, and she was kind of ridiculing me for posting a photo of myself online. She basically accused me that I'm doing that in order to fish for other girls. Which absolutely wasn't true. It felt like all of my attention needs to be on her, like I can't do anything else.
Now, during this time, with all the feelings I felt, I became even more angry because she wants to control everything I do, even for such silly things like a posting a pic online.
I've reacted in impulse and I told her that I want to tell her something important when she gets well. I wanted to mention to her my current feelings about her.

She called me right away and asked me if I want to break up with her. Out of all the feelings that I had that day, I was thinking maybe now it's the best time to do so. I made a mistake and broke up with her while she was sick. I told her stupid reasons for a breakup, I really needed some time to process everything about her and relationship. She was pushing me even further and I noticed extreme insecurities in her. After the breakup she would thank me for breaking up, the next few days she would call and beg. Something was really off.

I needed some air.

I wasn't very empathic in those post breakup days, so I told her not to bother me. About the month into the breakup, when the things cooled off, I wanted to reunite with her and discuss what happened. She was eager to do so and we discussed about getting back together. However, something felt different - even tough I was explaining to her what was happening during the breakup, she couldn't forgive me for breaking up with while she was sick. She changed to whole narrative about our relationship, how I wasn't good to her and stuff.
Very harsh discard process started. During that discard process she was treating me awful basically and calling out that I'm egoist who only thinks about myself and such. This person was totally different than the one I was spending time with. She didn't want to resolve the conflict and to sit down and talk. She told me "it's easier to just move on".

I realized that she started to project her traits on me and this is when I realized that she might have bpd or npd.
Few months after the breakup she got into a new relationship right away, which made me realize that she has this pattern where she changes relationships frequently, and the ex was always the problem.

Today, I kind of feel traumatized because she was guilt tripping me to the point where I became like her - insecure, lack of confidence and not being able to move on with some other partner because I'm still attached to her. Even in the last conversation she was guilt tripping me with "only mentally ill person could leave someone who is sick" and telling me that I was "abusing her" which is far from truth - few days before the breakup she told me that I'm the best she ever had and was telling me how impressive I was. She calls me "unstable" and she doesn't want to be friends with me.
I was really whole relationship devoted to her with my full self and never had any slip.


This whole experience makes me scared to get into another relationship but eventually I would love to. I would appreciate any tips or mental models on getting over this experience.

[questise]

Hi,

So I have the need to write this down. I can't seem to move on from, what I would say, traumatic breakup experience with my ex. It has been 5 months since the breakup and I still feel like a bad person. We were extremely attached.
So here is what happened.

Few days before she got sick, she told me that she is struggling with some sort of depression - this was 8 months into the relationship. I felt furious, because she didn't tell me that sooner (we were basically every day together). I've thought that this person is hiding stuff from me and I felt total disconnect with her.
Few days after that, she got sick - fever and soar throat. She called me to take care of her.
Even tough I was angry because she was hiding such important stuff from me, I came to her home and made her tea, brought her medicines and spent some time with her. I suggested to take her to the doctor but she told me that she can do it alone. This happened the next day as well, I came to home to take care of her.
I didn't want to mention anything about my current feelings, I wanted for her to feel better, and then to have a conversation about it on why she was hiding something so important about herself.

As the days were going by, obviously she was in a low because she was sick, and she was telling me that the situation is becoming worse for her. I felt extreme pressure because I couldn't do anything except to offer to take care of her, or to take her to another doctor. Her parents took her to another doctor and then she started to feel much better next days by her words.

Now, during this time when she was sick, she planted a doubt in me. I started to sense that something is off about this person and I started to question everything about our relationship. I started to reverse conversations, situations and I realized that this person might have some mental illness. It was like an eye opening for me as I never really encountered anyone in my circles with such states - but I also felt furious because I kind of ignored some red flags. I was angry on myself and on her as well. I felt extremely anxious, disconnected while she was sick, as it felt like I was trapped in her cage.

I needed my thoughts to be elsewhere those days while she was sick, so i posted a picture of myself on instagram, mainly to start conversations with other people. She would tend to comment on everything I do basically, and she was kind of ridiculing me for posting a photo of myself online. She basically accused me that I'm doing that in order to fish for other girls. Which absolutely wasn't true. It felt like all of my attention needs to be on her, like I can't do anything else.
Now, during this time, with all the feelings I felt, I became even more angry because she wants to control everything I do, even for such silly things like a posting a pic online.
I've reacted in impulse and I told her that I want to tell her something important when she gets well. I wanted to mention to her my current feelings about her.

She called me right away and asked me if I want to break up with her. Out of all the feelings that I had that day, I was thinking maybe now it's the best time to do so. I made a mistake and broke up with her while she was sick. I told her stupid reasons for a breakup, I really needed some time to process everything about her and relationship. She was pushing me even further and I noticed extreme insecurities in her. After the breakup she would thank me for breaking up, the next few days she would call and beg. Something was really off.

I needed some air.

I wasn't very empathic in those post breakup days, so I told her not to bother me. About the month into the breakup, when the things cooled off, I wanted to reunite with her and discuss what happened. She was eager to do so and we discussed about getting back together. However, something felt different - even tough I was explaining to her what was happening during the breakup, she couldn't forgive me for breaking up with while she was sick. She changed to whole narrative about our relationship, how I wasn't good to her and stuff.
Very harsh discard process started. During that discard process she was treating me awful basically and calling out that I'm egoist who only thinks about myself and such. This person was totally different than the one I was spending time with. She didn't want to resolve the conflict and to sit down and talk. She told me "it's easier to just move on".

I realized that she started to project her traits on me and this is when I realized that she might have bpd or npd.
Few months after the breakup she got into a new relationship right away, which made me realize that she has this pattern where she changes relationships frequently, and the ex was always the problem.

Today, I kind of feel traumatized because she was guilt tripping me to the point where I became like her - insecure, lack of confidence and not being able to move on with some other partner because I'm still attached to her. Even in the last conversation she was guilt tripping me with "only mentally ill person could leave someone who is sick" and telling me that I was "abusing her" which is far from truth - few days before the breakup she told me that I'm the best she ever had and was telling me how impressive I was. She calls me "unstable" and she doesn't want to be friends with me.
I was really whole relationship devoted to her with my full self and never had any slip.


This whole experience makes me scared to get into another relationship but eventually I would love to. I would appreciate any tips or mental models on getting over this experience.

[once removed]

hi questise,

It has been 5 months since the breakup and I still feel like a bad person.

i think this would be a good place to start. why do you still feel like a bad person?

is it because you broke up with her when she was sick? is it because the relationship ended on bad terms? something else?

[questise]

Yes, I feel bad mostly because I broke up with her when she was sick.

[Martin 123]

3 months ago towards the end of January i experienced something really similar a 10 month relationship.. We saw each other everyday too and were returning from a beach holiday trip were we spent numerous romantic moments.. She started getting distant to test me because we happened to had one night were i was moving a lot in her tiny bed. So while i was asleep she went to sleep to the floor. The next day she said she wasnt angry just disappointed. I felt bad about it and apologized that afternoon. She acted as her same old self snd said everything was fine. The next couple of days she would start crying over the most petty things. Projecting all kinds of thingsz for example i teased her kidding about something.. And she would take it as a cruel offense. So she started to get on my insecurities and trying to provoque me to the level of getting mad. When i finally did she told me i was an emptional abuser. And that all the relationship i wad trying to manipulate her. The. Blocked me from everywere and acted all happy about it. I became shocked that i ever threw up after the first week.


So what helps me to calm down now is thinking It was destined to happen sooner or later because that is how the disease works. In my case (though some people my find it hard) the best thing to do is talk to someone new, focus on work, friends, family. When the emotions come just let them be and they’ll fade away but dont ignore them. It helps me think that if youve gotten even more serious or longer. You’d be having it even worse. I also was having heavy guilt trips. You are not a bad person because we are all flawed humans. You did not deserve that treatment and youll find someone who will always find a reason to stay because they have a deeper love which doesnt fade when there is some conflict. Let them be.

[once removed]

Yes, I feel bad mostly because I broke up with her when she was sick.

i get why you would.

my exs grandpa died while we were together. they were close. i had been going to the hospital to see her, to see him.

one day before he did die, she was being an absolute pill...going out of her way to start fights. it was a difficult place to be in, knowing she was in pain, knowing she was directing it outwardly, trying to shake it off, trying to help, trying to give space, trying to do whatever i could.

it really erupted that evening when we went home. i lost it on her, and she lost it even further. the day ended with me dropping her off at the entrance of her apartment complex with a long walk, me speeding off, and us not speaking for the rest of the day.

i felt bad about it. i still feel bad about it, on some level.

reading through your post, and how the relationship moved, it sounds like this breakup was over more than her being sick, no?