Confused and pissed, he got through to me AGAIN

[Whit Huntington]

I know I've posted that I've been doing well and things clicked for me to end it.  In general, about 80%... this is true.   But quarantine has made everyone's lives harder, and I just had something happen that pissed me off so much.

I ended things on December 20th in the evening and blocked all his numbers on the morning of December 21st.  A week later I blocked his email, all social media, etc.  I felt very proud and felt relieved.

I have 4 devices, all Apple: iPhone,  MacBook, old iPad, and an iMac/Desktop.  And 2 days ago I finally went to my desktop after a long time to do some work.  As I'm sitting there, I notice my ex boyfriend uBPD's NAME in the list of recent messages on my iMessage...  And I see the text is not the last breakup text I sent,  so I click on the thread.  SOMEHOW, he was not blocked on that one computer!  ONLY on MY DESKTOP.   He was blocked on my phone, on my laptop, but there on my desktop, messages had appeared.  There was a message on my birthday  in March wishing me a happy birthday, and then a message from 2 days earlier,  April 13th: "Are you okay?"  (meaning due to COVID) and "I managed to get my mother into lockdown last week thank god."  That last one was a play to get me to feel sorry or caring about his family, as I had been when we were together.

I was LIVID.  I called Applecare after work, and they could not figure it out...  Here's  the kicker: on that computer a whole bunch of people were blocked that I had never, ever blocked!  Yet he was not blocked!  We fixed the problem, he is now blocked everywhere and the others are unblocked.   But it unleashed a whole mess of complications in my mind that I should not care about.

What made me feel worst and shows how insecure I still am was the thought: what if those are the only messages he sent me since we broke up?  What if he hadn't even bothered until 3 months later to text?  I'd always assumed without a doubt that he'd texted, then called and gone straight to voicemail, emailed later only to get no reply and finally somehow realized he was blocked everywhere.  And the possibility that he hadn't given a single PLEASE READ until a casual birthday text made me feel so bad...  which means I've STILL got my self-esteem still in someone else's hands besides mine.  I hate it.  I'm so mad that it even mattered to me for a second.

(Because I ruminate too much, I checked other text threads from people on that desktop.  It's completely random... people that  I did not block: some of them, all their messages are there, but with others, there are just HUGE CHUNKS of messages that are on my iPhone & laptop but never appeared on desktop's iMessage.  All of them iPhones, like him.  So... basically, it's a total unknown and will stay that way.  I'm pretty sure he did not want to believe I was ending it and did try to get in touch between Dec 21 and my bday in March.  And somehow he just got through on ONE computer.)

This has caused me a ton of upset.  I know I'll get over it but I have to let it out...  On one hand I'm so angry that my move to give myself power, blocking him on my phone, letting him see my messages all turn green or go undelivered, technologically failed on one random computer, at least as of March (and that even if he had been blocked earlier, he had now definitely seen the word "delivered" appear under these latest texts.  Meaning he might think I unblocked him!).  Also PLEASE READty that he didn't check on me til April 13th.  And also PLEASE READty that he thinks mentioning his mother would get me to respond, like "oh I'm so relieved..."  No!  I don't care, I left you, and you can't get me to care again by making me feel sorry!  All this stuff I had taken out of his power... I'd felt I made a strong move and sent an END SIGNAL by blocking him, and somehow he STILL managed to get through to me...   I cry about it, which is dumb.  I feel like he will always find a way to wriggle into contact with me. 

He is not a big dater, unlike many of the BPDs, I doubt he had someone when I dumped him and used that person up and is now looking back to me.  I think it's more likely he found a way to hate me/paint me black temporarily, distract himself in work and his toxic harem of friends, and was every so often reaching out, but in his cowardly way.  But I also confess that he's such an unknown to me, I have no idea.  Dunno if I ever really knew him.

I know the important thing  is that ultimately, nothing is different: regardless, I never responded to him, and now he IS in fact totally blocked.  He WILL see that nothing is getting through.  But it all made me hurt and made me have questions again.  It's weird with BPDs, you can cognitively understand it for a while and then it feels again like you don't understand, and here's where I'm stuck again: 

If I made his life so "difficult" that he couldn't be bothered to call me a few times a week or respond to my texts while I was away for work, WHY IS HE REACHING OUT TO ME AGAIN NOW?  His toxic best friend hangs around at bars with tons of cheap plastic women looking for a jackpot like him, WHY DOESN'T HE JUST TAKE ONE OF THOSE.  This is my biggest question, why does he have to bother ME?  One of those women WILL 100% surely fit all his needs: She will let him pay for dinner, have sex with him, kiss him, blah blah, and then when he gets busy and says he has no time, she'll happily stand aside and then reappear when he has time...  there are women that fit that bill ALL OVER THE PLACE, they will love the fake romance and his money and will put up with his selfishness and not protest and will leave him alone during the weeks/months he is working and then be happy to be taken to expensive dinners on his arm again!  There are 100% women who will do that without problem... so why does he STILL TRY to communicate with me at all?   He has his toxic best friend who is "easy" to hang out with, he has plenty of possible sources of supply.

That is my question.  And if anyone knows why/how the heck that thing with my iMessage happened... ?

I feel out of control again and lonely.  Forgive the rant, but I know you, here, understand.

[Mutt]

Hi WH,

I know that it makes absolutely no sense when it comes to a pwBPD and the things that happen in a r/s; high highs and very low lows and the lack of showing understanding, validating your feelings and impaired empathy.  

One day a pwBPD can be lashing out telling you how horrible that they think that you are and then the following day it’s as if nothing happened and to a non like you or I it makes absolutely no sense because we understand and can follow a constant script, we don’t have blips or chunks of experiences that are either missing or interpreted in a distorted way.

A pwBPD are trying to survive and that’s how they get by, their exteriors telegraph something complete different inside, they may exude confidence but have massive feelings of  insecurities and core shame.

It’s very polarizing but on that topic of survival their kryptonite is abandonment the fear of being alone and they anticipate that everybody that they are with will leave them so they will try to create exits in a r/s and have someone ready usually in case that the r/s soudant work or they self sabotage it and they’re left by themselves and often will already have steered a r/s when one is failing.

He’s testing you to try create an exit in a current r/s or to see if there’s something there where he could fall back on you later. He could also have nobody and he’s testing you to see if he could recycle the r/s.

Aside from the glitches you still gave him nothing and that alone speaks for itself regardless of the messages were blocked or not it also telegraphs that you’re not bothered by the messages if you had seen them and didn’t responded to it but above all you gave. Even consistant in your messaging which is no response and that you are in control.

[Whit Huntington]

Hi Mutt,

Thank you  for answering... if not for this quarantine I could deal better, but I feel stuck ruminating.  Perhaps meditation is something I need to get back to.

He never said awful things to me or about me, never once.  He was, in fact, very careful never to do it.  He would get angry and it would scare me, and that part was what led to our first breakup.  But his words were always directed at himself.  On the other hand, his passive behaviors - stonewalling, non-answers to clear questions, excuses, lies of omission - this was his method of making me feel as worthless and empty as he felt.  I guess I wish he had directly insulted me, I would have been out of there much sooner, with less damage.

I don't think he has relationships easily or casual sex.  If he does it is the most secretive of secret, like... even from his toxic harem.  From everyone around him including those I hate, he is not into casual things and was looking for a serious relationship when he met me.  I broke with him for 4 months and then he MOVED TO MY CITY to get me back.  That was the only reason I opened communication again, because that was a concrete gesture.  And for the 3 months we worked on things he was better than the very beginning, his temper was even way better, he never got angry.  Even when it could start rising, I could see him working to manage it and use communication he was learning in therapy. 

When I left for my project he reverted to total BS with his toxic best friend enabler.  Not calling me, saying I was too busy as a reason he was not good at keeping in touch, but he still cultivated things at times when I was home on Mondays.  Then Thanksgiving was crappy for him, he had to fly and deal in person with family issues and his son's drug addiction, and his misery increased...  I think this is when he began to passively emotionally abuse me again, treating me like garbage, because it was the only way to lessen his constant pain.

He's not in a relationship.  If he were in anything happy his social media would show it.  He stopped posting completely shortly after I texted my goodbye to him.  Nothing in 4 months.  He works himself to death, grumbles about his son, occupies himself with his toxic friends, maybe he's tried to have casual sex (or get off in some way?). But he doesn't respect the barfly women his friend hangs around with, he always found them gross and unattractive.  Maybe I'm wrong about that though. 

He's turning 61 this month, we had an age difference of 18 years but I loved him so much I could have cared less.  But he should know by now.  He even said when we fell "in love" that he'd been hoping to meet someone older.  I think he would fit much better with an older, plastic barfly, because they would accept what he can actually give.  What I don't understand is why he seeks me out AGAIN when it's clear I can't make him happy and he can't make me happy (I feel like unknowingly after a while I made him unhappy, deep down...  by sending him funny pictures and trying to invite him into my life and friendships, I just provoked his deep envy.  I was trying to show him: hey, you've struggled long enough.  There's this warm, authentic world and look, it's totally open to you, you just need to walk through the door.  It's yours for the taking, new, true friendships and me, ease, all you have to do is choose it.  Instead I think he just felt worse.  I couldn't have known that until after, when I figured out his uBPD.  The thought that I just stirred up horrible feelings in him still makes me terribly, deeply sad.).   

So why does he still want any contact with someone that was deep down unbearable for him, so much so that he pushed me away and killed our "love" a few times over (we broke up 3 times for God's sake, I don't do that ever...  the last time was openly "our last chance")?  Why does he want any contact to this world that made him feel so badly, how can he even stand the thought?  Not know that he will ruin it yet again?  Why won't he just reach for something he can handle better - it's right there at the bars every night.  He may find balance and happiness there, truly.

[Mutt]

You broke up three times. Break ups are not always one and done. You might have multiple break ups until the big one. Did you break up in the past in a similar fashion where you didn’t speak for three months and things started to warm up? Maybe he thinks that you two are going to mend things or get back together.

From what you shared with me it doesn’t sound like he knows how to cope with stress in a healthy way and it certainly doesn’t sound like he’s a good communicator.

He has his issues and he’s older, it doesn’t mean that you can’t change but you have to deal with your past issues that are getting in the way in the present. Sometimes people are stuck, they dont have a lot self awareness and don’t see their patterns or how they talk or behave affects others.

Some people will go through all of their lives like this and some will eventually sense that things are not working out for them and they to change something. That has to come from him it cant come externally from others, it’s frustrating when you see it clearly how he behaves is not helpful, it’s harmful and he doesn’t see it.

When you say the other barflies, does he likes to go to the bar, does he spend a lot of time in a bar? Does he have a problem with drinking?

[Whit Huntington]

Pretty insightful, Mutt.

Yes, we broke up a total of 3 times.  The first 2 times I was still in love with him... the first breakup lasted 1 month, then he reached out on a special occasion.  The second breakup, I shut him out for 4 months and had no intention of going back, but I still loved him... I hadn't blocked his number, but I also hadn't responded to any of his lame "casual" messages to me.  Until he picked up and moved to my city to be with me...  which is the only reason I met up with him.  I said okay, I love you still but the trust is broken, it's on you to restore it, but this is the last chance we have.  So... he knew it was our last chance.  When he eventually defaulted back to his stonewalling, avoidance and silent treatment, it was a definitive end for me emotionally too.  I just felt a switch and I no longer loved him that way.  I wanted to make it kind but clear; I couldn't get him on the phone (work, excuses, not wanting to deal with lies of omission, he knew I wasn't happy so maybe he was sensing I was going to break up with him).  So ultimately I had to send him a text, which is not my style: "Okay, I've tried my absolute best.  I hope you won't speak ill of me, I don't deserve it."  That was it.  And then I blocked his numbers, his email and social media.  I did that to give him crystal clear confirmation that I was out.  For good.   

But as you know, the block either didn't work on one single desktop computer, or somehow that iMessage got messed up and his texts started going through as of March. 

You know, I've been feeling upset that he'd see the word "delivered" under his last 2 attempts to converse with me, that he might think I had unblocked him, etc.  But ultimately... it doesn't matter.  If I fill up my days with the many things I have to do, I won't have time to ruminate over him and will be back on the road to recovery.

You are right, Mutt.  He doesn't know how to cope with stress in a healthy way and he's not a good communicator.  He was when we first met, he can be when he chooses.  But he can switch it on and off like a light.  It makes sense he thinks there's still a chance.  But there isn't, he just is who he is and he hurt me on purpose.  I no longer believe he can change, not even with therapy.  He never changed for his own son, why would he do it for me.  I do think he is too old, plus my therapist said "the world has rewarded him financially for being the way he is, so the likelihood that he would feel pressure to make serious changes is low."  So many times I thought "He is so close, he wants to be close to me, he sees what this chance is... I can feel him wanting to be seen and known so badly..."  But he just didn't.

Does he have a problem with drinking...?  Hmmm, I dunno.  He isn't a barfly but his toxic best friend is...  The BF is the worst, rude and obnoxious (you can tell a person's character by how he treats waiters... he's the absolute WORST.).  The BF also has no one in his life so every day after work he heads to one of 3-4 swanky downtown restaurants to eat steak, drink and socialize with those plastic barfly ladies so that he he doesn't have to face his own lonely life.  My ex eats healthy, used to be pretty outdoorsy when he lived in Colorado.  But BF is my ex's only friend here, so... he only has him to hang out now.  As for my ex having his own problem with drinking...  I think so, yes.  But by others' standards I don't know.  He always had to have a few martinis to relax.  I don't think that's healthy or normal, but what do I know.  I drink maybe once every 3-4 months, and now pot is legal.  Apparently he could go without the alcohol for months but I never really delved into that.  In addition to needing martinis to unwind from work and his astronomical stress levels, he also had an utterly terrifying sleep apnea he kept promising to address but never did.  He never knew he had it before me...  I think if he'd been sleeping around he would have known.

Now that I blocked him on all my computers he'll see that his texts don't go through anymore.  And now, I hate that he moved here ...  I hate the idea of running into him.  I also have the feeling I might get a letter in the mail.  Which would just knock me down again. 

Quarantine's hard.  I need to move on somehow but it's hard in lockdown.

[l8kgrl]

Hi Whit, just wanted to jump in to say that I can relate to the difficulty of this situation during quarantine (I'm sure many here can!). Many of our usual coping mechanisms aren't available, and there is so much time open for ruminating and obsessing.

For me, it got to the point that I actually texted my ex last night, and we talked briefly today. I think the quarantine was getting to me, and with my kids at their dad's, it gave me too much time to start spinning.

In some ways, I feel the universe is sending us this time to force us to all sit with our own stuff. But...there's a point where it's too much and we need a healthy diversion! Hope you can find some of that...

[Whit Huntington]

Hey l8kgirl, you get it...  thank goodness for these boards.  That's why I'm glad this place exists, so I can talk to people who understand it's a BPD ex, not a normal ex.

How do you feel about texting your ex, was the talk okay?

Yes we do all have to sit with ourselves... at least I like myself well enough these days.  On days when I walk and do some serious yoga or strength stuff, I find I can cope with everything much better.  But I feel weird that I can't meet anyone new for the moment.  (online is not my scene)

[l8kgrl]

Hi Whit, sorry, I didn't see this reply until today!

I'm with you on the walking and yoga...makes such a difference mentally and emotionally. I had someone tell me recently, and I believe it, that doing this kind of "self-care" (ugh, such an overused phrase these days) helps us build trust in ourselves. Every time we stick with it makes it more likely that we'll do other good things for ourselves in the future, like blocking toxic people, . So let's downward dog away! ha

And I hear you, this is a weird time in terms of thinking of meeting someone else. I'm not really ready to date yet, but I hope this quarantine doesn't last forever, because getting out and meeting new people does help in moving on. I'm curious, how do you meet people if not online? I think I would be single forever if it weren't for dating apps!

I posted in another thread, but the phone call/text with my ex kind of sent me over the edge. It was friendly, but he has emotionally shut off and is done with "us" for good (I was actually the one who broke up, like you, but I still missed him). So...I cried a lot that day. But ultimately it's good to get the finality, and god, if he were to have wanted to get back together, that would have just gone down a bad path, as anyone here can understand!

[once removed]

have you blocked him in order to send a message, or in order to detach?

[juju2]

Whit.  I am with you.

I understand.

I got a new phone number and got a texting app.  I can uninstall the app for periods of time and that is a block.  Then when I am in a stronger place re install the app and everything is there, missed texts.

I knew myself that wouldn't be able to do NC or even LC although it looks like LC now.

It helps me to not engage a why question.

It's a Koan.  There is no answer and there is only that dark path of rumination.  If somehow I could just find THE answers.

And as soon as I do get a grip on the WHY,
it changes.

I would have better luck carrying Jello in my hands all day.

Some days are better, tomorrow is a new day.

My Higher Power knows my now, and my tomorrow.  It's up to me to find a way and share whatever help I have received with another person.  If they so desire.

This week was horrible, I got furloughed friday, then found out friend from long time ago passed from covid.  Then dealing with budgeting, unemployment.
distancing.
I disregulated, and texted vitriol Monday nite.  He even called me on the texting app. 

What I saw is I need help.

I had recently gotten off all meds, including a benzo for sleep and an anti depressant.

Go to doctor today for check up.  Going to hopefully share my heart, how I am stressed out and need help.  Maybe something is out there for me for depression...am not sleeping.

I want to live in gratitude and be 100 percent present. 

Hang in there.