I miss my mom

[toomuchrandomnes]

The final straw happened August last year, we’ve been no contact ever since. My husband has kept contact for the sake of our kids, who she keeps threatening that she’ll “tell the truth to” as to why we’re keeping them from her when they’re older. Right now they’re 3 and 4. We are not keeping them from her. My husband has arranged a few times for her to see them, but other than us reaching out she’s had no interest so it’s surprising (but not) that she’s trying to use them as a tool against me. Despite all of this, and my entire childhood, not having her in my life is starting to take a toll. I have anxiety and depression, so I don’t know if that just heightens the feelings, or if I truly don’t know how to function without her in my life. I guess it could be quarantine getting to me too.  I almost don’t feel like a whole person and I don’t know what to do.
My therapist suggested this site as an outlet (and r/insaneparents) to see that I’m not alone, and to have a safe space, so thanks for reading my first post and letting me get some feelings  out.

[Methuen]

Hi toomuchrandomnes

Welcome to the forum!

Despite all of this, and my entire childhood, not having her in my life is starting to take a toll.

You mention that the final straw happened last August.  You've been no contact ever since.  Although your husband has reached out through the kids, your mom hasn't initiated any interest in them.  You mention that your childhood was difficult with her, and you now have anxiety and depression.  That sounds like a lot to deal with.  So it seems like N/C was probably a good decision to give yourself some space, and maybe do some healing?

Why is not having her in your life taking a toll?

Can you tell us a little bit more about that?

Like you, I had some straws that broke last July through November.  It was rough.  Like you, I also have a T, and joined this forum.  I am here to tell you it can get better.  Not because your mom will change.  In fact, your mom isn't going to change, as you know.  But for me, I have changed how I react to my mom, and I've learned a bunch of new skills.  It all helps.

How can we help you right now?

[toomuchrandomnes]

I feel like it’s taking a toll emotionally. It’s like I have been so used to the crazy, and having to parent my parent, that I’m missing something. I have gone almost 27yrs before setting boundaries and putting myself and my mental health first.
It’s just weird. It’s also not constant, I’ll have something remind me of her or have almost a hallucination of something that happened years ago, and then I’ll be okay after a day or so.
Sorry if I’m all over the place, it’s still hard to actually put these feelings into words.

[JNChell]

Hey there. I know that it doesn’t feel normal, but you’re experiencing something very good for yourself. You’re going through the feelings that are associated with coming out of a bad experience. It’s going to feel like this for a while, but the good thing is that you can always bring it here and talk about it with people that get it. It feels very foreign because you’re going against the grain of what you’ve been taught. . I say keep moving forward and feel those feelings. Stop when you have to and simply talk about your thoughts.

Don’t be sorry. We hear you. Maybe you’ve had some flashbacks when it comes to your situation. Are you familiar with what those are? They can be intense feelings, and even visual, or mistaken for hallucinations. It’s ok friend. Trauma is a bitch, and the symptoms of it can be all over the place because we’re all different people. You’re doing well.

What bothers you the most right now? If you could tackle one thing, what is it?

[toomuchrandomnes]

I’m not too familiar with flashbacks, but when I was PP with my daughter I had very intense PPD to the point of having intrusive thoughts so intense they were practically playing in front of me like a movie. So maybe the same? Thankfully I’ve gotten that under control with a few diagnoses, therapy, and medication.

If I could tackle one thing, it would be to make sure she cannot get ahold of me in any way. I don’t WANT to ask my husband to block her too, I know he’s just trying to allow the opening for important information if something were to happen, but I’m not sure if I want to know / would be able to handle it.

Thank y’all so much for responding and reading what I have to say. My husband and I have a very open relationship and make sure we communicate, but I feel like some things are better to not be shared with him sometimes.

[JNChell]

I understand not wanting to share things with your husband at this point in time. This is your time. What you’ve described sounds like flashbacks. They’re a pain in the ass until they aren’t. My flashbacks are through feelings. I shake and damn near panic. I want out of the space that I’m in. You have flashbacks that you see?  First and foremost, understand that that is trauma, ok? It’s not you. Can you grasp that? Good.

Flashbacks are baggage that is attached to trauma. They can show up in different ways. Like I said, mine show up through feelings. You see yours.

As far as what you want to tackle, boundaries might be a good place to start. Here’s a link.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[mountainsaway]

 This sounds very similar to how I felt when I went no contact with my mom. I didn't realise it then, but I was grieving her. I missed her a lot. I was desperate for the relationship we didn't have. And I also later realized that I was completely enmeshed in her. My identity was tied up in hers. It has taken me almost a year, and will take more time, to untangle myself. Trying to find where she ends and I begin has been terrifying and liberating, hard to start, and also easier to identify than I anticipated.

My hope is that once I have solidly established my sense of self, I will be better able to maintain my sense of peace and self-assurance when I interact with her.

[JNChell]

Rest easy. You’re obviously aware of the enmeshment. You’re ahead of it. You see it. Don’t worry, just work through it. Know what I mean? Keep pushing forward.

Before interacting with her, work on you. I’m sorry, I’m very pragmatic and to the point. You should learn to deal with her on your terms. That’s not being selfish nor hurtful towards her. Know what I’m saying? Protect your feelings. Your mom’s feelings are out of control. I think you can agree with that. You are able to control your feelings. Your feelings are hurting right now because of her. Take the reigns. It’s kind of like flipping the parent/child role. Time for you to be the adult and protect your feelings. Let’s be objective here, your mom had her chance. Hell, she still does. But it’s not up to you to wait for her to come around. Do you have BPD? No. Your responsibility is to live your life.

[stargazer95]

The final straw happened August last year, we’ve been no contact ever since. My husband has kept contact for the sake of our kids, who she keeps threatening that she’ll “tell the truth to” as to why we’re keeping them from her when they’re older. Right now they’re 3 and 4. We are not keeping them from her. My husband has arranged a few times for her to see them, but other than us reaching out she’s had no interest so it’s surprising (but not) that she’s trying to use them as a tool against me. Despite all of this, and my entire childhood, not having her in my life is starting to take a toll. I have anxiety and depression, so I don’t know if that just heightens the feelings, or if I truly don’t know how to function without her in my life. I guess it could be quarantine getting to me too.  I almost don’t feel like a whole person and I don’t know what to do.
My therapist suggested this site as an outlet (and r/insaneparents) to see that I’m not alone, and to have a safe space, so thanks for reading my first post and letting me get some feelings  out.

Welcome to the site friend. I am almost exactly in your situation. I have been in contact with my mom since last year. I have two children who are 2 and 3. We are all however, all in no contact with her. She was very manipulative towards my children. As you mentioned she would also use them as a tool to get to me through guilt and manipulation. Typical, huh?

Some days I do miss her. Some days I miss the idea of her, of a "mother". Some days I miss being spoiled materially and having whatever I want instantly appear but then again I remember the agonizing pain, the suffocation I felt in her presence. Then I wonder what do I really miss? Did I ever have this thing that I miss? Did I ever have a mother? Has she ever been able to be in my life without intending to suck out everything from to fill up with a deep void in her heart? and I don't know the details of your relationship with you mom but that's when I realize I don't really miss her in a full sense. I am just deeply sad that I didn't have something that comes as a birthright to others; a caring parent. And that's when I just leave space for myself to mourn. It is incredibly sad to not have such a relationship in one's life and on top of that, have to tip toe around parental relationships with them.

This quarantine situation is for sure not helping in anyways with my mental health either. Stay strong sister! you have created another family and managed to leave childhood traumas to themselves not letting them rule your life completely. That is progress to celebrate. Sending you a virtual hug 

[Panda39]

I wanted to jump in and say that where you are now can change.  Sometimes I get locked into to thinking this is the way it is and will always be, but in truth things can change and are fluid.

Right now is about you, and working through things, learning new things, talking it out etc.  IMO putting things on hold with your mom so you can focus on you is an excellent idea. This may remain permanent or it may change.

You can learn more, process your thoughts and feelings, get support and then revisit how or if you want to have a relationship with your mom in the future.  There is no right or wrong way to approach things only what works best for you.

My step-daughters each approach their undiagnosed BPDmom (uBPDmom) in different ways.  SD23 is no contact with her mother and SD19 is low contact with her mother (text/phone).  I support them with the choices that work best for them and I will support them if they decide they want to change the way they are doing things.

Welcome to the group    I'm glad you found us and decided to jump in.

Take Care,
Panda 39

[toomuchrandomnes]

Thank you all so much. I’m hoping that soon, I’ll stop feeling this in waves and can stay in the mindset that I’m in a great place. My husband is amazing, his family is lovely, and my fathers side of the family is wonderful too. I’ve noticed I feel best after long hikes so now that the weather is starting to get nicer, I’m going to try to go on a couple a week.