I want to find my ‘healthy adult’

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I began schema focused treatment January 2018. I, with the psychologist, worked hard. l learned and read enthusiastically and absorbed the theory (schemas, modes etc by Young et al). Ten months on I found there were some significant positive changes cognitively; with some evidence of smaller changes emotionally and behaviourally. I felt some marked improvements in mental health. After struggling with BPD and PTSD most of my life, and more recently, avoidance disorder, I felt enthusiastic about the therapy and my psychologist. They were actually helping. I cried happy tears of contentment and optimism over and over again!

However, Jan 2019 (~30hrs of contact time) I felt a distinct change in manner, treatment and empathy from the psychologist. There were distancing and rejecting behaviours from him. He seemed to become  dismissive about schema therapy. I was confused with his ambivalence as I had total and complete trust in him.
I questioned him re. the changes he displayed towards me and his sudden disregard for any of the positive outcomes (as l saw them)  He did admit to exhibiting irritability and impatience towards me. But l still trusted him and thought he was perhaps trying to find ‘the angry child’ within me (I’d struggled to display anger within the sessions) I couldn’t think of another plausible reason for the change in him and the therapy (SFT)

He then, a couple of months later,  told me he was leaving. He’d found  a new job. It was March 2019 and he was leaving me. He was also giving up his own supervision and training in Schema therapy.
So, on  May 1st after just two more, hour long,  ‘sessions’, he left.
The abandonment feeling is horrendous, yes, but I also feel so much of my time is stuck somehow in ‘angry child mode’, like it’s now a default mode? (as apposed to ‘abandoned child’) Is there help/research re.SBT premature termination.  What about research into being left feeling that unexplored mode? Can l be supported in any way? What evidence/research could help me? What psychologist may know a way for me to go?

I’ve felt suicide ideation since he began rejecting me and terminating  therapy with the behaviours l was addressing.  becoming more disablingly and problematic. Splitting, discourse, vulnerability, mistrust, risky, hateful etc. etc. etc. and, as I say, there’s alot of unreconcilable angry child I think?

I’ve tried to find a psychologist, to no avail and I continue to educate myself re. therapies. But the all consuming thoughts, visions and need for his validation and reparenting makes me feel stuck, overwhelmed, and so so sad.
It is not transference.  The grief has not lessoned with time. I think I need to move on, somehow, from the conditioning he established through imagery and audio messages, as a healthy adult who reparented me. But how, where and without a therapist?

I’m struggling so much more, mentally, emotionally, behaviourally. My head is so messed up with the abrupt termination of SBT and extreme evasive emotions towards the (CMHT) BPS Chartered Consultant Psychologist that lured, lied and left

[CelticKate]

I began schema focused treatment January 2018. I, with the psychologist, worked hard. l learned and read enthusiastically and absorbed the theory (schemas, modes etc by Young et al). Ten months on I found there were some significant positive changes cognitively; with some evidence of smaller changes emotionally and behaviourally. I felt some marked improvements in mental health. After struggling with BPD and PTSD most of my life, and more recently, avoidance disorder, I felt enthusiastic about the therapy and my psychologist. They were actually helping. I cried happy tears of contentment and optimism over and over again!

However, Jan 2019 (~30hrs of contact time) I felt a distinct change in manner, treatment and empathy from the psychologist. There were distancing and rejecting behaviours from him. He seemed to become  dismissive about schema therapy. I was confused with his ambivalence as I had total and complete trust in him.
I questioned him re. the changes he displayed towards me and his sudden disregard for any of the positive outcomes (as l saw them)  He did admit to exhibiting irritability and impatience towards me. But l still trusted him and thought he was perhaps trying to find ‘the angry child’ within me (I’d struggled to display anger within the sessions) I couldn’t think of another plausible reason for the change in him and the therapy (SFT)

He then, a couple of months later,  told me he was leaving. He’d found  a new job. It was March 2019 and he was leaving me. He was also giving up his own supervision and training in Schema therapy.
So, on  May 1st after just two more, hour long,  ‘sessions’, he left.
The abandonment feeling is horrendous, yes, but I also feel so much of my time is stuck somehow in ‘angry child mode’, like it’s now a default mode? (as apposed to ‘abandoned child’) Is there help/research re.SBT premature termination.  What about research into being left feeling that unexplored mode? Can l be supported in any way? What evidence/research could help me? What psychologist may know a way for me to go?

I’ve felt suicide ideation since he began rejecting me and terminating  therapy with the behaviours l was addressing.  becoming more disablingly and problematic. Splitting, discourse, vulnerability, mistrust, risky, hateful etc. etc. etc. and, as I say, there’s alot of unreconcilable angry child I think?

I’ve tried to find a psychologist, to no avail and I continue to educate myself re. therapies. But the all consuming thoughts, visions and need for his validation and reparenting makes me feel stuck, overwhelmed, and so so sad.
It is not transference.  The grief has not lessoned with time. I think I need to move on, somehow, from the conditioning he established through imagery and audio messages, as a healthy adult who reparented me. But how, where and without a therapist?

I’m struggling so much more, mentally, emotionally, behaviourally. My head is so messed up with the abrupt termination of SBT and extreme evasive emotions towards the (CMHT) BPS Chartered Consultant Psychologist that lured, lied and left