Something lifted

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I did send the text, reach out if you ever become single.

What happened is I got another explanation that she is moving.

And so going thru the last couple of days, being furloughed on friday- for two weeks, maybe more- and hearing about a long ago friend passing from covid. What I got to see for maybe a brief moment is a feeling of inner peace.

At the end of the day it is just me and God.

I am on a journey.  I mess up.  I hang on.
I am mixed up.  Inside of the chaos that is my life, His will be done.

And thankfully there is a higher Power in charge who gives me strength.

What I was left with is, This too shall pass.

[juju2]

So I did send the text, reach out if you ever become single.

What happened is I got another explanation that she is moving.

And so going thru the last couple of days, being furloughed on friday- for two weeks, maybe more- and hearing about a long ago friend passing from covid. What I got to see for maybe a brief moment is a feeling of inner peace.

At the end of the day it is just me and God.

I am on a journey.  I mess up.  I hang on.
I am mixed up.  Inside of the chaos that is my life, His will be done.

And thankfully there is a higher Power in charge who gives me strength.

What I was left with is, This too shall pass.

[formflier]

So I did send the text, reach out if you ever become single.
 

The "big picture" is that things will change if you "hold" to this thought. 

If he convinces you to keep talking and seeing him based on "what he tells you" (vice what he does), things are unlikely to change.

So after his explanation a  good response could be.

"Thanks for explanation.  I'm open to considering our relationship after she moves."

No long explanations or back and forth. 

I'm proud of you for putting your needs first.  How are you feeling about this?

Best,

FF

[juju2]

Am in the inquiry.

Like I shared.  This too shall pass.

He shared more about she is leaving, more information. (the old game)

One thing I do know is to state my truth.
I did that.

Am looking to see what opens up for me.

Versus what do I do in response to :  x.

No more ping pong.

Like I said something shifted for me.

When I change everything changes.

I have no strategy.

Thank you for the support.

[babyducks]

No more ping pong.

can you say more about this?   

[formflier]

I have no strategy.
 

And this...not sure what this means.

Best,

FF

[juju2]

So when someone keeps stating over again.. For me that's an attempt for that person to get clear.  It hasn't landed in their mind what they are doing.

No ping pong.  I am clear.  No need to defend.

I said x.  He said y.

There is no response from me because my X. hasn't changed.  No ping pong.
No strategy:  If he says y, I will do z.  If he does a.  I will do b.
Again.  It's about where am I in my head, what statements, if any, what actions, if any.

It's a shift for me because before I was doing a lot of Doing and a lot of Saying.

I was open for manipulation, restatement and etc.  I wasn't clear.

You ff, my sponsor, everything in the last week helped the shift.

For that I am truly grateful.

[formflier]

 
So..to summarize/confirm.

You have let him know the conditions under which you will communicate (she moves out) and you will not further discuss any matter with him until that condition is met.

Do I have that right?


Best,

FF

[juju2]

So one thing he did different is.
Show up late without calling. (power)
When I texted, after 30 min late, after no word, oh yes, I got busy talking to (guy)
I should be there in a little bit.  (power, more power)
So he shows up 1 hour late.

 Some friends from the neighborhood had dropped over to my house, we were all sitting on the porch.  He shows up, he was at costco, had to call guy friend, what do you need.? (power, money)  so I got him dried fruit, of course t.p. and then I got to talking to him! (power, no remorse)

So after one hour my neighbors left, good convo, he said he should go.  On the way out to his truck, he says, so she is leaving (restatement) she is getting things ready, she did get furloughed also (so she can't get a place until that goes away).
He doesn't have any money, bills piling up, she doesn't help with bills, and so he is going to talk to salvation army about his utilities.  And other phone calls about stim money.  etc.  This is all directed to me regarding my statement (X)and his explanation (Y.)
So this weekend he is going to have a yard sale.  He is going to earn the money he doesn't have and she isn't helping. (explanation Y)

All of this is more detailed response to my statement (X)

By now none of this adds up because he just got done going to Costco and buying things for someone else...

I was good because all there was for me is listen.  There is nothing to add, restate, or defend.

Not one thing changed regarding my statement. (X)

Did i notice he was in some kind of fantasy thinking world in front of these new people and me.?  Yes.

Did I notice he blew me off.  Yes.

Was there anything for me to say about it.  
I didn't feel like there was because I know him and he was doing ALOT if Doing.
And SAYING.

And the facts of what is visible hasn't changed.

The old me would have been upset he is late.
Upset, SAYING and Doing.  Something.

Nope.

It all floated by me.  And I noticed all of it as it floated by me.

[juju2]

Am thinking about that.  (what you just said)

I said my X.

Wasn't going to further explain.

It's self explanatory.

I can be unavailable if that is what is there for me.  There is no need to say more about X.

---Then I fall in to pitfall of explaining and defending and that has gone on for 2 years.

This could be the last meet up yesterday...

I don't know.  Could very well be.

[babyducks]

what I hear you saying is that you have reached a new level of understanding.

what I hear you saying is that you recognize the cycle you have been participating in and want to change it.

what I hear you saying is that you are more resolved to take better care of yourself.