HELP - I’ve unleashed the beast, so to speak part 8

[UBPDHelp]

Let's be really "accurate" here in what we say.

You have opinions and can express them right now.  That's not the issue.

The issue is having your hubby validate or agree with..or acknowledge that you have an opinion or even a right to the opinion.

Does the new version seem to "fit" better or does it appear I've missed the mark some?

Let's keep at it until we get it right!

Okay, I see it. I don’t NEED his validation or agreement with my opinion BUT I am stuck on needing him to accept that I am entitled to my opinion.

Can I have that?

[UBPDHelp]

Just another blip in the way to progress.

I get up earlier than everyone for different reasons. I get a lot accomplished before others are even out of bed. But, by noon, everyone is up and I’m hungry and ready for lunch.  We’re trying to do at least one family sit down a day. H gets up late and wants to eat later. We discuss the time.  I was compromising but he was not. I told him that I would go ahead and have lunch with anyone who was hungry and he could eat a little later when he was ready.

Then I went and made lunch for myself and 2 kiddos. We ate. H got really annoyed and started barking about what food he could eat, etc., and then came in kitchen, dumped out his coffee aggressively and basically coffee went everywhere. Nothing broken.

I said nothing and just left his mess. I ate my lunch. And then he ate his. He was really mad but I didn’t let him control me. Bummed about the coffee, glad he didn’t break anything and hope he is learning he can’t dictate what I can do.

We shall see.

[Cat Familiar]

Okay, I see it. I don’t NEED his validation or agreement with my opinion BUT I am stuck on needing him to accept that I am entitled to my opinion.

Can I have that?

No, not if you want to be free of his chaos. It’s enough that you know you’re entitled to your opinion. You don’t need him to agree.

Having lived with an abusive ex husband who was BPD/NPD and likely ASPD, I understand how your self esteem has taken a beating. But you know you’re capable and determined to make the best of the current situation for your children and yourself.

YOU DO NOT NEED THE APPROVAL OF A DISORDERED PERSON!

Obviously you want to live in as harmonious a situation with him as possible. One way to accomplish that is to let go of your needs to be seen, approved of, and validated by him.

That need keeps you in a submissive position with him. Why give away your power to someone who is undeserving and unreliable?

[formflier]

BUT I am stuck on needing him to accept that I am entitled to my opinion.

Can I have that?

Yes..you are stuck on needing him to accept that you are entitled to your can opinion.  I 100% agree with you here.

No..you can't have that.

I really hope you have have a long cup of coffee moment (or other favorite beverage) just on this one aspect.   

Can you see that you are handing him the power by "being stuck" there?

What if...you believed you were entitled to (fill in the blank)...and that was enough.  Anyone else's opinion would be a bonus.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Please make sure that you don't ever clean up that coffee mess.

Let him come to terms with it.

Best,

FF

[babyducks]

. That said, I could just leave when he changes the channel. I don’t know if he would get the message or just be happy I was gone.

you leaving is not meant to change his behavior ...   deliver a message... win an argument.

you leaving is meant to make you more comfortable... less stressed...not contribute to the dysfunction... give you the opportunity for self care.   if you are more relaxed and rested,  less frustrated and resentful... the over all tension in the household will drop.

if...big if... he picks up a message from you leaving... that's a secondary benefit.   you can't change your behavior and "heal" some one else.     You can stop contributing to your own frustration.

[Cat Familiar]

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