I do apologize in advance for the windy post. I am hurting bad in my heart. I need advice as I do not understand what I may be dealing with or direction to take my relationship.
Brief background: I am a separated Mom (45) with full custody of 2 children (12 and 15) and a 3 year old with whom I have visitation. My live in partner (42) has been separated for 2 years with full custody of 8 and 11 year old. Their Mom has visitation.
We met through a dating app and began talking for weeks before we ever met. After we met we began dating long distance. After 3 months of dating exclusively, I needed to move out of my apartment. He was adamant I move in with he and his children, as we all got along.
Issue 1: The Wife: The first week I moved in his Wife came in through the back door to drop medicine off for him. She confronted me in front of my children about moving in. I did not see her place medicine anywhere. My partner blamed me for taking the medicine saying I wanted to be the hero by giving him my medicine instead of his Wife. She had previously confronted me before I moved in and he changed the locks. She sends me vulgar screenshots through FB of my partner and her texting, insinuating he still wants her, talks bad about me, tries to meet up with her, etc. He confronted her in front of me the first time she showed up and threw her out.. He denies her allegations and says it is an app for fake texts. She admits she is bipolar. She sends him love songs and texts of all sorts all the day and night. Some texts he has admitted to and explained as him being nostalgic or wishing things could be as they should be for a first marriage. He states he does not love or want her back.
Issue 2: memory loss and personality change: He told me he is bipolar. He claimed after I moved in to have no memory of wanting or allowing me to stay indefinitely and it was only for 10 days (his Wife strangely had that number of days too). I showed him several of his texts to the contrary. He completely changed personality immediately after I moved in. He went from an amazing attentive affectionate romantic loving partner to the polar opposite. I confront him about it but he never admits or changes. He claims to not want to be touched or lovey dovey? Never the case before. Now gradually our sex life is nonexistent no matter what I do, say or try.
Issue 3: The Children: He has a business which keeps him busy. When he is not at work he spends absolutely every second with his children and obsessing about their mental health. He prefers to sleep downstairs with them as if an eternal slumber party. He waits on them as if their servant. He allows them to be up until the next day every day. They get up early too. If we try to talk they follow him or come into where we are and interrupt. If we finally get a moment of TV time around 11-12:00 pm, they come down with a physical or mental ailment, every night. They are not made to go to their rooms so he or I can watch a TV show or have alone time. The food is catered to them. The youngest will lie to his face in front of me about me or my children. He takes their word without question and screams and yells “I am lying” or a “liar”. He apparently has never believed me and now my children are liars too. My kids are not perfect, but not liars. I do listen and give him the benefit of the doubt. I talk to my kids and they comply and remain respectful. If I try to change anything around the home his kids go to him upset. I have barely changed anything and have done so slowly. He usually caves in for them. He gets irate if I toss any of his pictures with the ex. he is keeping them because his kids want them! It is of the two of them, not the kids.
Issue 4: my mistakes: I have been in pain. No excuses. I got drunk a few times. He said I said really mean things to him which I have no recollection. I have to believe him, but it does not sound like anything I think or say. He has been accusing me of memory issues which is odd because I had been telling him for awhile he is not remembering things as they occurred.
We have been fighting for weeks because I can no longer back down. For a year I continue to be kind and treat his kids, no matter what they have done to us, as my own. I insist my children rise above and look beyond their behavior into the possibilities. They treat my partner with respect even if they are not happy with him. I have been staying mostly in my bedroom for a year as there is nowhere to go that they all do not do as they please. We are invited down with them and we do go down and join them for small time in the evenings. It just seems all about his kids and their wants all the time. It is like we are second class citizens. I have researched and tried many ways to ask him to establish boundaries and why it is good. I have begged for time with him. He will want to watch a movie around 11-12 and falls immediately asleep. If I even try to talk about any of this he shuts down or becomes angry.
I moved with kids 2 hours away from their terminally ill Father (he is with his Wife), I lost my job, no money, truck is about dead, no other family and friends are out of state And am in the final stages of a divorce with the abusive Father of my youngest. I am so exhausted mentally and physically from fighting everything and everyone. I just feel like I walked out of a horrible deal and put my kids in another one. I feel like a failure and cannot see a way out. Thank you
