I feel like a failure, emotionally and physically exhausted with no hope

[QueenofDolls]

I do apologize in advance for the windy post. I am hurting bad in my heart. I need advice as I do not  understand what I may be dealing with or direction to take my relationship.
Brief background: I am a separated Mom (45) with full custody of 2 children (12 and 15) and a 3 year old with whom I have visitation. My live in partner (42) has been separated for 2 years with full custody of 8 and 11 year old. Their Mom has visitation.
We met through a dating app and began talking for weeks before we ever met. After we met we began dating long distance. After 3 months of dating exclusively, I needed to move out of my apartment. He was adamant I move in with he and his children, as we all got along.
Issue 1: The Wife: The first week I moved in his Wife came in through the back door to drop medicine off for him. She confronted me in front of my children about moving in. I did not see her place medicine anywhere. My partner blamed me for taking the medicine saying I wanted to be the hero by giving him my medicine instead of his Wife.  She had previously confronted me before I moved in and he changed the locks. She sends me vulgar screenshots through FB of my partner and her texting, insinuating he still wants her, talks bad about me, tries to meet up with her, etc. He confronted her in front of me the first time she showed up and threw her out.. He denies her allegations and says it is an app for fake texts. She admits she is bipolar. She sends him love songs and texts of all sorts all the day and night. Some texts he has admitted to and explained as him being nostalgic or wishing things could be as they should be for a first marriage. He states he does not love or want her back.
Issue 2: memory loss and personality change: He told me he is bipolar. He claimed after I moved in to have no memory of wanting or allowing me to stay indefinitely and it was only for 10 days (his Wife strangely had that number of days too). I showed him several of his texts to the contrary. He completely changed personality immediately after I moved in. He went from an amazing attentive affectionate romantic loving partner to the polar opposite. I confront him about it but he never admits or changes. He claims to not want to be touched or lovey dovey? Never the case before. Now gradually our sex life is nonexistent no matter what I do, say or try.
Issue 3:  The Children: He has a business which keeps him busy. When he is not at work he spends absolutely every second with his children and obsessing about their mental health. He prefers to sleep downstairs with them as if an eternal slumber party.  He waits on them as if their servant. He allows them to be up until the next day every day. They get up early too. If we try to talk they follow him or come into where we are and interrupt. If we finally get a moment of TV time around 11-12:00 pm, they come down with a physical or mental ailment, every night. They are not made to go to their rooms so he or I can watch a TV show or have alone time. The food is catered to them. The youngest will lie to his face in front of me about me or my children. He takes their word without question and screams and yells “I am lying” or a “liar”. He apparently has never believed me and now my children are liars too. My kids are not perfect, but not liars. I do listen and give him the benefit of the doubt. I talk to my kids and they comply and remain respectful.  If I try to change anything around the home his kids go to him upset. I have barely changed anything and have done so slowly. He usually caves in for them. He gets irate if I toss any of his pictures with the ex. he is keeping them because his kids want them! It is of the two of them, not the kids.
Issue 4: my mistakes: I have been in pain. No excuses. I got drunk a few times. He said I said really mean things to him which I have no recollection. I have to believe him, but it does not sound like anything I think or say. He has been accusing me of memory issues which is odd because I had been telling him for awhile he is not remembering things as they occurred.
We have been fighting for weeks because I can no longer back down. For a year I continue to be kind and treat his kids, no matter what they have done to us, as my own. I insist my children rise above and look beyond their behavior into the possibilities. They treat my partner with respect even if they are not happy with him. I have been staying mostly in my bedroom for a year as there is nowhere to go that they all do not do as they please.  We are invited down with them and we do go down and join them for small time in the evenings.  It just seems all about his kids and their wants all the time. It is like we are second class citizens.  I have researched and tried many ways to ask him to establish boundaries and why it is good. I have begged for time with him. He will want to watch a movie around 11-12 and falls immediately asleep. If I even try to talk about any of this he shuts down or becomes angry.
I moved with kids 2 hours away from their terminally ill Father (he is with his Wife), I lost my job, no money, truck is about dead, no other family and friends are out of state And am in the final stages of a divorce with the abusive Father of my youngest. I am so exhausted mentally and physically from fighting everything and everyone. I just feel like I walked out of a horrible deal and put my kids in another one. I feel like a failure and cannot see a way out. Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[xadingo]

I honestly don't know how to help, but it sounds like you're definitely in a bind.  Do you have the means to get out and get your own place?  It sounds like that would be worth it if you can.  Either way, it doesn't sound like the guy is really in the place for a relationship though.  Kids are resilient though so keep making decisions that will help you all have a better future. So keep moving, don't give up, you can do it. ;) 
Oh, also, look for local help.  I have no idea where you are, but most places I've lived have groups that help single moms who need to get back on their feet.  Not usually in the lap of luxury, but clean, safe and fed.

[QueenofDolls]

xadingo: thank you for your reply. I am trying to find a job and reach out to a few friends.

[once removed]

hi QueenofDolls, and

its good that you have reached out and found a support system. you do sound exhausted.

there is hope! things really can get better. but this is clearly an uphill battle.

the two of you arent on the same page when it comes to some really key issues, and there are not a lot of immediate, great way to get there.

1. he has an unresolved previous relationship that is going to, for the foreseeable future, present a level of drama and/or instability in your relationship. you could put your foot down about all of that, but i dont see that helping.

2. the issue with the kids is a big one, and its hard to know where to start.

ideally, introduction to the kids is slow. but when a commitment like moving in together is made, the other party (you) has certain needs. you need a say in parenting. you need to bond with the children. blending a family is an enormous, complicated process, and none of this is happening.

so while there arent a lot of good options in an immediate sense, the first step is usually to stop the bleeding...not to make things worse, and ideally, that can help get things on a healthier trajectory, to where you might be able to strategically tackle some of these problems.

you say youve been fighting for weeks. what about, specifically?

[QueenofDolls]

once removed:
Thank you for your response and time.
The fighting is in regards to his distance.  He says hello when home but ignores me otherwise. He seems to be doing that with his own children now too. I have stepped up for them as none of this is their fault.  He has a garage office in which he spends most of his time when home.
He either ignores my texts inquiring about or trying to get him to understand different views on what is happening with his illness, us and our children.  He denies everything and does not remember or view things the way I do or in which they happened.
He has raged at me stating I am a liar or lying. Usually his kids have said this or that, like kids do when their is a blended family. He absolutely believes them and has decided I am a liar as well as my children.
 I have stood my ground on all these issues and more. Hence, why no emotional or physical relationship. He sleeps on the couch. It is pretty lonely.
Thank you for your time!

[once removed]

things do sound tense.

let me bring this back to stopping the bleeding.

what youre trying now isnt working. its just putting the two of you at greater odds. you against him, fighting over more and more things.

the thing is, you arent going to be able to resolve these things over night. youre going to have to play a longer game than that.

stopping the bleeding means looking at the things that we are doing that make matters worse, and slowly, but surely, switching to a new direction.

i dont just want to throw a bunch of links at you, but these are some of the primarily tools when it comes to looking at our approach, and stopping the bleeding...stuff that a lot of us have done, by default. the more you can unlearn them and shift directions, the more youre going to be able to get through, and solve problems.

this is a big one...one of the first things id recommend to anyone here, about learning not to JADE: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280750.0

this will help you generally understand how to reduce the growing conflict: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

thats the place to start when it comes to stopping the bleeding. we have to learn not to make things worse, before we can learn to make things better.

[QueenofDolls]

Thank You!