A necessary admission to make

[JNChell]

This is hard to admit. I’ve fought back against it for some time. I am a problem drinking. I’m an alcoholic. It was very severe at certain points. I was buying half gallons of whiskey. It’s not like that now, but I use alcohol to level out. I don’t always get drunk now. Sometimes it’s just a matter of being able to sleep. On top of that, without night terrors and completely messed up dreams that wake me up drenched in sweat.

My dad was an alcoholic. He had a hollowed out fridge that he kept a keg of beer in at all times. He had me drinking at a very early age. By early, I mean play pen. I have a picture of him tipping a cup of beer in my mouth before I could walk. He taught me how to poor a proper draft beer at a very young age. I was his beer runner. I was allowed to get my own cup of beer eventually. I can remember sitting and drinking one. I remember what I was wearing, and I remember spilling my beer because I was drunk. I remember my dad laughing.

One day when my mom and sis were out grocery shopping, he gave me hard liquor. I told him that I didn’t feel good after ingesting it, and he told me to go to bed before mom got home. Our house had this sharp and prickly finish on the inside walls. I scraped my arms up making it to my bedroom.

I owe it to this community to open up more and tell more about myself. Something that I’ve been sitting on because I was unable to accept it.

[Harri]

Hi JNChell   

It is great that you can admit that here.  Isn't that the first step to getting better?  What your dad did is horrible and I get angry reading about it.   

I am so pleased you feel safe sharing it here with people who care about you.  Did admitting your addiction tonight help you?   Can I ask what the catalyst was?

[Turkish]

Many years ago in my small town, there was a woodcutter who hung out on "the bench" in front of the general store where we all drank beer. His little daughter, maybe 4, took sips from his Dan. He'd shoo her away but not really. All I thought was, "o wonder how she'll be in 10 years..."

My birth mother was born on the reservation and alcohol and drugs killed her. 

I wish that parents realized how significant an influence they have over their lambs.

This is a significant sharing. Do you feel that this influences how you parent, or cope with life now? Is it bad, good, or indifferent? 

[once removed]

i think that its hard for anyone to say "i have a problem that im not in control of". about almost anything. and alcohol abuse, in particular, is pretty normalized in society these days, and so problem drinking can be hard to even define.

it seems to me as if youve had a lot of breakthroughs lately...and not even just lately. it wouldnt surprise me if theres some overload, and that that might play some role too.

im wondering, have you touched on any of this with your therapist?

Sometimes it’s just a matter of being able to sleep. On top of that, without night terrors and completely messed up dreams that wake me up drenched in sweat.

ive had some sleep problems myself, and my family has a history of them. there was a period in my moms life where she drank to sleep, as well. struggling to sleep can really turn your life upside down. i abused benadryl in obscene quantities for years over the issue.

i didnt have night terrors, and it sounds like there may be trauma involved in the difficulty sleeping.

there are things out there that can really help. have you ever tried melatonin? it changed my life.

[JNChell]

Hi, Harri. I appreciate the sentiment, but don’t be angry. This is my cross to bare. I’m not sure what the catalyst is here. I think that I’m just sick of it at this point. I’m tired of turning a blind eye to it. I feel weak and ashamed of it. I’ve had a lot of time on my hands with the pandemic which has given me a lot of time to think and reflect. I suppose that that has a lot to do with it. Pretty much out of nowhere I was googling AA meetings in my area yesterday. From there, I felt compelled to share here. It just felt like a necessary step in all of this. Admission helps, I think, even though there are some heavy and negative emotions attached to doing it. As always, thank you for reaching out.

[JNChell]

Hey, Turkish. I’m sorry to read about your bio mother. I imagine that that is a lot to sit with at times. You’re right, I wish my dad realized what he was doing. It was comical for him. He got a lot of laughs out of it. I can’t blame him anymore as I’m an adult that is responsible for my actions.

It most certainly influences many aspects of my life. I feel like I’m not who I want S5 to become. I love that little boy with everything I have. I’m letting him down. Like I said, I don’t become a stumbling belligerent, but nonetheless, it’s still a problem. I’m able to peacefully parent him, but I still have my crutch.

I’m far from indifferent to this. It weighs on me. I’m aware of it and ashamed of it. I’m at a point where it feels like it’s time  to  or get off the pot. Admittedly, it has me feeling more anger towards my parents which I thought I was passed. They were just so damn crazy. Sometimes it’s hard to comprehend.

[JNChell]

Hi, once removed. I’ve been trying really hard to gain ground on everything. There are times when it feels very liberating, and times when it feels a bit overwhelming. I just want to, once and for all, have a realistic grasp on this stuff. To be able to lay down at night and simply fall asleep.

I’ve not been in therapy for a while, but I did bring this up. It wasn’t really discussed much, though, now that I think about it. My sessions pretty much revolved around reading from the C-PTSD Workbook. If I started to become emotional during a session, I was redirected. It’s like I wasn’t allowed to cry. I didn’t quite understand that, but I put my trust in the fact that I was being treated for trauma and surrendered myself to it.

I have tried melatonin, but it really amplified my dreams. The feeling sleepy affects were nice, but the dreams weren’t.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi, JNChell. First of all,

You may or may not know that I had a huge addiction problem in my twenties and some of my thirties.

I was dually diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Substance Abuse Disorder. When I started trauma therapy this past year, she told me that most likely those diagnoses were "correct'', but not completely, and that the root of the problem was the C-PTSD.

I would encourage you to seek out a new therapist. Your posts about your therapy make me inclined to think you would benefit from someone with a different approach. I do think you need some support IRL, and maybe AA would help with that in some respects, but I think that a good, empathetic, supportive trauma therapist would be a game-changer for you if you can find the right one.

You have insight into your issues and you are brave enough to honestly talk about them. That isn't weak, and neither is suffering from trauma. You have done the best you can with what you have to work with and I think you are experiencing something that is common among trauma survivors. I'm not saying you don't have a responsibility for taking care of yourself now and getting the help you need to heal, but you do not have a responsibility for how you came to have the issues you have. Does that make sense?

[JNChell]

Hey, IAR. I do recall reading some of what you described here. I appreciate you sharing it.

I agree that I would benefit from a solid trauma therapist. Currently, I’m uninsured and I’m trying to lay out a plan for myself that I can finally really benefit from. I’m mentally prepared to make a substantial amount less for an income and so on. Ok, I need to get back on point here.

What you said makes perfect sense. I know and understand that what happened to me isn’t my fault, but the damage is difficult to deal with, as you know. I think that, deep down, the whole adoption thing has had a real affect on me. Especially after having contact with my bio parents. Bio dad died from cancer not long ago, and bio mom exhibited things that made me very uncomfortable, so I cut off contact with her. It seems to me that parents have a lot to do with a child’s feelings of belonging somewhere. That’s a feeling that I don’t possess. At least not a healthy sense of belonging. I feel that I’m getting to the roots of my issues, but it feels pretty dark most of the time. It’s hard stuff to sit with and it feels lonely often. Thank you for reaching out and sharing.

[Panda39]

JNChell,

A big admission   

You will do what you do when you are ready, but as a former spouse of an alcoholic, I from the bottom of my heart encourage you to follow through with AA. 

Thinking of you,
Panda39

[JNChell]

Hi, Panda39. Thank you for the encouragement and for reaching out. I’m probably somebody that you would typically avoid, which is understandable. I think that I’ve found a meeting in my little town. It said to simply show up, so I guess that’s what I’ll do. Thank you.

[once removed]

if it helps...

the sleep issues are significant. incredibly debilitating. night terrors, sleep deprivation, these are things that will wreck you. i have what i think is undiagnosed sleep apnea, and none of those things, but it wrecks me on a daily basis.

if trauma is affecting your sleep, its going to require more than what any of us can say or advise.

things can get better, though, they really can. i hear you, for sure, on melatonin making your dreams worse; it can do that.

[JNChell]

once removed, yeah the sleep thing feels pretty significant. Thank you for understanding that. I don’t even feel comfortable trying to describe some of these dreams to anyone. They are really out there sometimes. The pattern is me trying to escape a dangerous situation. I’m not able to fight back. I’m eventually caught and I wake up. Sometimes my parents are in my dreams, but not always. I know that you’re not a dream interpreter and that that isn’t scientifically possible to do. Lol.

I do have a good dream here and there. Regardless, they’re always very vibrant. I’ll share this. Sometimes the dreams are so intense, that I wake up in layers. If I sound crazy, that’s fine, but I gotta get this out.

I feel like I’m waking up, I can start to see the surroundings that I fell asleep in, but I’m paralyzed and can’t move. Then I think I woke up, and it’s the same dreamworld. I can shake my head awake in a dream, and wake up into another one until I really wake up drenched in sweat. I know that dreams have a different perspective of time. I’m sure that sounds out there. I’m not suggesting that there are alternative realities or anything like that. Just talking about dreams.

[Butane]

I am really proud of you for sharing. That was a brave thing to do.

[JNChell]

Thanks for the encouragement, Butane. How are things with you?

[Butane]

Thanks for the encouragement, Butane. How are things with you?

Positive trajectory with ups and downs, thanks for asking!

When I read your "admission" I felt several things in rapid succession. First, the ugly thought about your father "What a blankety-blank! I want to kill him!". Second, "How brave of JNChell to tell this story". Third the expression "Hurt people hurt people... but that's no excuse" and lastly "JNChell can stop the cycle of abuse in his family".

I was just talking to my therapist, at my last video session, about how I've never told anyone the worst events that happened in my relationship with H. At a point, I stopped telling my sister (who was a major support) when new craziness would happen, for several reasons.

It felt too embarrassing for one. Partly, I didn't want to overload her and make her feel bad. But more importantly, it felt very humiliating. I thought she would start to judge me.. "well, she keeps taking him back, maybe she is a glutton for punishment...what is wrong with her?"

My H continues to struggle, but the signs of hope I see involve him shedding light on his own darkness. For example, he told me that he realized that his mother never gave him unconditional love. For me this was a "Well, duh" kind of thing, but for him, it was the first time he really allowed himself to know this. He also revealed to the kids that he was badly bullied as a child.

I started a thread yesterday with the intention of putting into writing, the things that happened that I've never told anyone, due to shame. It's not that the details are particularly "bad", but that many people would pity me and judge me for putting up with so much.

But bringing the dark into the light is a very good thing. I hope you feel a little lighter.

[JNChell]

Hey, Butane. Luckily for my dad, he’s dead so you don’t have to kill him. On second thought, if I can find a time machine to bring him back, he’s all yours. 

Do you want to tell anyone about the worst events? Maybe it would help. We’re all anonymous here. Anything goes within the civil guidelines of the community. I’ve shared what I was afraid of being TMI, but I always get positive feedback and guidance.

Did you get that vibe from your sister? Do you feel like she was supportive to you, or did it feel like it was reliant on her gage as far as what actions you should take? Like she ran out of gas, so to speak. Hope that makes sense.

Sounds like H is experiencing awareness. Do you think he can maintain it and move forward with it?

Thank you.

[Schmem_25]

  JNChell!

Thank you for your vulnerability. Your gracious support to others, even in the midst of your own struggles, is truly inspiring. I hope you find the support you need.

We appreciate you!

[JNChell]

Thanks, Schmem_25. How are things with you? What brings you here?