Husband with bpd has been cheating, wants divorce

[Junebug913]

Hi, this is my first post (and it’s a long one, sorry!) and we are very new to my husband having this BPD diagnosis. I’ve been doing a lot of research on it to understand it better. Quick background - we’ve been friends since we were kids and have been together for over 14 years, married for almost 13. We have one child together and he is an amazing dad, and up until recently has been an amazing husband as well.

I found out a couple months ago that he has been cheating on me, and it’s been going on for a few years now with more women than he can even recall. He’s a very skilled liar & manipulator, because I just had no idea anything was going on all this time. And times I remember that I saw red flags and questioned him over them, he would gaslight me so severely that I thought I was losing it and would end up apologizing to him, and he would “forgive” me for accusing him. And then would carry on like everything was normal. Ever since I discovered his affairs and he finally told me everything, he’s been an entirely different person. He’s been hateful, critical, distant, etc. Only to me, thankfully - he is still the most incredible dad to our child, but has started treating me like an enemy. And as of this past weekend (Mother’s Day weekend of course) he is still trying to hookup with other women.

He wants a divorce and has given me many reasons (he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore, he knows he can’t stay faithful, he is no longer attracted to me and knows he can do better, etc) and I don’t know how much more I can take before I give in to his request. But I also recognize that he’s struggling and needs help, and I can’t leave him like this.

Has anyone been through something similar with their partner? I don’t know if the cheating has anything to do with BPD, but could really use someone to talk to who has been through this.

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[Butane]

Wow, Junebug913,

You have really been through a shocking and disorienting time. I remember when I was hit with the realization that my husband was behaving in ways that I never believed he could be capable of. In my case, it was one woman, but repeated back and forth between us, with him going back to her as early as the same day, hours after revealing the details of his latest infidelity. The whole thing felt like an addiction to this woman, an addiction to sex as one of the only things that could lift his mood.     

I hope that you are able to see that you are not to blame for his actions. It is common for the betrayed spouse to feel badly about themselves, but you are not the cause of his infidelities or his mental illness.

How do you know he is still trying to "hook up with other women" on Mother's Day weekend?

When did he get the BPD diagnosis?

Is your H still living with you? How do you know that he is struggling?

How are you coping?