Kinda odd

[Carguy]

Hey group. Tell me what you think about this.

As you all probably know, my ex BPD is very cold and ignores me these days. On the advice of my therapist I have decided to stay away from Walmart (where she works) for a while and avoid anything that may cause me to run into her.

My ex-wife and I are still really close friends and she has been a very supportive friend through all this. Today she told me she was in Walmart and when leaving my ex BPD was in the cart area counting people and said bye to my ex wife. My ex wife not wanting to really talk to her ignored it. My ex BPD then said "See ya!" and again my ex-wife ignored it. My ex BPD then called out my ex-wife's name so my ex turned and just gave her a slight wave as she left.

What I find weird about it is when we were together my ex BPD for the first part of our relationship was always worried I was going back to my ex-wife. My ex-wife and I have been divorced for 15 years and neither one of us have any desire to be in a relationship with each other again. Even after that she was always kind of cold and always distant from my ex-wife. I honestly don't think she really liked my ex-wife.

Why would she go out of her way to say hi to my ex-wife now? In March I made her remove her stuff from my property and she has been even more cold than before but then in April she sent my teenage son a friend request.

 To me it seems like she is angry I cut those connection she had to me so she tried to reconnect to my son and now she's trying to feel things out with my ex-wife to have a connection to me? Is this the way seems to you guys?

 it's like she wants to keep a connection but doesn't want to be with me.

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[once removed]

its hard to say, Carguy.

she might have been trying to be polite.

she might have thought your ex wife didnt hear her.

she might have felt awkward and tried again to get your ex wife to hear her.

[Carguy]

Hi Once Removed!

I could see these points but the thing I find interesting is for the last four years she would make it obvious she was distancing herself from my ex wife. She would distance herself whenever my ex wife was around, look at her phone or away and not look at my ex wife, and wouldn't talk to her. My ex wife would always be the one to start conversation. She would do things like that to the point of making my ex wife uncomfortable. She didn't like my ex wife and when she doesn't like someone she does the same thing to them that she is doing to me. She ignores them and acts like they're not there. I've seen her do it to others.

That is why I was surprised she said by twice and even called out my ex wife's name. Knowing my ex bpd for 15 years and on an intimate level for four years this is out of character for her towards my ex wife. That's why I have to ask why.

[once removed]

That's why I have to ask why.

what do you think the reason is?

[Carguy]

Some of my thoughts are she could possibly be feeling things out with me indirectly (someone in this group mentioned that to me a while back when she tried to friend my teenage son on Facebook), she could be trying to find some sort of connection to me since I had her removed all of her stuff from my property, she could be feeling things out with my ex-wife as far as trying to friend my son on Facebook, she knows that my ex-wife and I talked and are friends so she could be doing this knowing my ex would tell me as a way to stay in my mind. I have to wonder if it could be any or a combination of any of the things above.

Like I say, it is out of character for her. In the last several months I have been doing things different and I have noticed a few things she has done that have seemed out of character. Someone told me that she may be flailing because I'm doing things different. That may be possible too.

I can't be 100% sure if any of these reasons above are truly what are going on but with some of the things she's done in the last several months that I didn't expect, it makes me wonder.

[once removed]

Some of my thoughts are she could possibly be feeling things out with me indirectly,  she could be trying to find some sort of connection to me

i suppose any of this is possible.

but if so, you are still in the position that when you reach out, she shuts things down.

isnt that, at face value, the connection between the two of you? and if so, what bearing might the rest have to do with it?

[Kaufmann]

Hi Carguy,

I don't know this individual, but when I read your post, my first thought was essentially the same as your conclusion:

"Some of my thoughts are she could possibly be feeling things out with me indirectly (someone in this group mentioned that to me a while back when she tried to friend my teenage son on Facebook), she could be trying to find some sort of connection to me since I had her removed all of her stuff from my property, she could be feeling things out with my ex-wife as far as trying to friend my son on Facebook, she knows that my ex-wife and I talked and are friends so she could be doing this knowing my ex would tell me as a way to stay in my mind.?

[Carguy]

You are correct on the current position Once Removed. The last time I seen her at the end of May I tried to reach out and she became very angry once again. Upon the advice of my therapist and another therapist I listen to online, as well as this group, I have chosen to distance myself and not go in Wal-Mart where she works or anywhere else I might run into her so that I can work on myself and my healing. I have been learning a lot lately about myself and working on me.

As far as bearing, honestly it kind of gives me hope that maybe eventually when she moves past her hurt and anger that she might reach out to me again and be willing to talk. I don't know what kind of relationship we would have in the future but I do miss her. We have been friends for 15 years and have dated for the last four years. I still hope that we can build a friendship again at least. With what I have seen, I'm kind of hoping that she is wanting to still keep some sort of connection to me and that she doesn't truly want me completely out of her life. Maybe just out of her life for now while she heals.

Kaufmann, so I'm not the only one that wonders this. Honestly if she would have went out of her way to say bye to a mutual friend, I wouldn't think anything of it. But she only knows my ex-wife through me and in four years she had no connection with my ex-wife. I find it interesting that now she goes out of her way to say bye to her when in the past she would look down at her phone and ignore my ex-wife when my ex-wife would wave at us. Especially since I have recently cut her other ties to me and after feeling her anger have chose to stay away. She hasn't seen or heard from me since towards the end of May and before that contact was very limited.

 Honestly in the last 6 months there been a couple of things she has done that have been out of character and cause me to scratch my head. I told my therapist I worried that she would be angry at me forever but my therapist told me she wouldn't because she has flipped back and forth in the past. Even in the last six months she has.

A big part of me doesn't think she will reach out to me again but the things in the last six months she has done I wouldn't have expected her to do either.