I may be entering a long term treatment program

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ve talked about this here recently, and reached out to my sister (PhD psychologist) for help. We’ve been talking and she is currently tapping her resources to see what we can accomplish. I believe that my issues stem from C-PTSD, but that they run deeper than that. As is so often stated here, I’m not qualified to diagnose myself or anyone else, but one thing is certain. Many members here are very good at researching and applying what is found to our self awareness. I believe that Major Depressive Disorder is at play with me, as well as some Bi-polar traits. I know that it is all born out of severe childhood trauma, but solely focusing on the C-PTSD only took me so far. I feel like there is more to recognize and deal with.

We fight hard to not be victims. Reaching out and describing my situation can give me anxiety in the way that I’ll be viewed as a perpetual victim. I simply want to feel better and be able to function in a simple and productive way. The thing is, is that I’ve not been able to accomplish that while trying to maintain responsibilities that should be normal for me. I suppose I’ve reached another crossroads. I need intensive treatment. I need to be checked in with no interruptions. I understand that a treatment facility will not fix me, but I need real and dedicated direction.

I’ll most likely be without a way to communicate with this community for a while. Just got off the phone with my sister. I’m most likely heading out of state next week. I just want to give my thanks for now. I love you all.

[JNChell]

I’ve talked about this here recently, and reached out to my sister (PhD psychologist) for help. We’ve been talking and she is currently tapping her resources to see what we can accomplish. I believe that my issues stem from C-PTSD, but that they run deeper than that. As is so often stated here, I’m not qualified to diagnose myself or anyone else, but one thing is certain. Many members here are very good at researching and applying what is found to our self awareness. I believe that Major Depressive Disorder is at play with me, as well as some Bi-polar traits. I know that it is all born out of severe childhood trauma, but solely focusing on the C-PTSD only took me so far. I feel like there is more to recognize and deal with.

We fight hard to not be victims. Reaching out and describing my situation can give me anxiety in the way that I’ll be viewed as a perpetual victim. I simply want to feel better and be able to function in a simple and productive way. The thing is, is that I’ve not been able to accomplish that while trying to maintain responsibilities that should be normal for me. I suppose I’ve reached another crossroads. I need intensive treatment. I need to be checked in with no interruptions. I understand that a treatment facility will not fix me, but I need real and dedicated direction.

I’ll most likely be without a way to communicate with this community for a while. Just got off the phone with my sister. I’m most likely heading out of state next week. I just want to give my thanks for now. I love you all.

[Harri]

We love you too JNChell.   

I will be praying for you as you work on recovery and healing.

  

[JNChell]

I don’t know what else to do.

[Harri]

Do you mean other than getting treatment in a long term facility?  Or something else?

[JNChell]

It’s a last ditch effort. I’m tired. I’m broke and unsuccessful. I’m pretty much done.

[Harri]

JNChell, this is a very rough time for you right now.  I get what it feels like to be tired and 'done'.  It does not get much lower than that and it is hard to fight through that.  Yet here you are, fighting through it even though you may not feel that way right now. 

[JNChell]

I’m very pissed off. I feel cheated. This is my last chance.

[Methuen]

I’ll most likely be without a way to communicate with this community for a while. Just got off the phone with my sister. I’m most likely heading out of state next week. I just want to give my thanks for now. I love you all.

I'm hoping there's a space available and confirmed for you JNChell, and that it all works out for next week!  I'm happy to hear that your sister was able to find a treatment center with a space so quickly.  Perhaps with Covid they are not as busy, and if that's the case, your timing is good

Do you know if it's a 30 day program?  90 day program?  Let us know how long the program is.

We'll be here when you return!  I wish you well on your journey

[Deb]

JNChell,
Sometimes when you get here:

It’s a last ditch effort. I’m tired. I’m broke and unsuccessful. I’m pretty much done.

It puts you in a place where you are willing to do whatever it takes to get better. I've been there.  Been sober since I was 21. I am now 68. Things can get better. Believe it.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey JNChell:
I believe in a previous thread, you were given the suggestion to get a genetic test to see which meds are more suited for your genetics.  If you haven't done this, it would be a good thing to try.

I know you had a reaction to one med & had to stop taking it abruptly.  I'm wondering if getting the test & trying a few meds that could be a better genetic match might be something to pursue.  It's not uncommon for some people to have to try a few meds, before getting one that works for them.

Have you considered that a history of abuse isn't the entire root cause of what you are going through - perhaps, you inherited a genetic predisposition for depression, anxiety, etc.

[JNChell]

Hi, Methuen. I genuinely appreciate you following things. I had a good conversation with my Sis today, and it’s looking like I will find treatment. I’m not sure how long it will be. I have to be evaluated to be considered, which is understandable. Inpatient psychiatric treatment is a serious thing. Especially being considered for it while being uninsured. I understand that as well. This may not work out, and I get that. I certainly hope that it does.

Thank you.

[JNChell]

Deb, thank you for the encouragement and congratulations on your own healing. It helps to hear. Take good care. I’ll hopefully be talking to you from a better place soon. Take good care.

[JNChell]

Hello, Naughty Nibbler. I’m pretty familiar with nature vs. nurture. I’ve actually given it a lot of thought and consideration. I often wonder if I would’ve turned out much worse if I would’ve been raised by my bio mother. I don’t believe that she is abusive like my adoptive parents were, but there was something about her that wouldn’t allow me to let her in. It’s like things had to be on her terms, and that the more she learned about my upbringing, the more defensive she got. I didn’t put any of it on her, but she would get very defensive saying that she wasn’t responsible for what happened. I understand that and never tried to make her feel guilty about anything. It just felt like she was making things about her. In the short time that I was in contact with her, she told me that her mother was diagnosed with BPD, so that is a possible genetic link. She also has a very validating, fixer type brother, and another brother that seems to be very condescending and narcissistic. I only got these vibes through Facebook, but it was enough to tell me to stay away.

As a true experience, I really have to look at the nurture side of things. I posses empathy, self awareness and compassion. When I really sit and look at things, I believe that the violence is what really messed me up. That’s where the damage really comes from. Perhaps that is met by my genetics somewhere on the spectrum, but I think that if my nurturing would’ve been healthy, that it would have trumped my nature. I hope that I don’t sound like I’m talking out of the side of my face. I’m putting things into words the best that I can.

Medication scares me. I will be sure to be open about that if I’m accepted for treatment. I understand that it can take some time to find a good fit. Thank you for your words. It’s very appreciated.

[Notwendy]

JNChell- While you are feeling you are at the end of the rope- I hope you consider that getting this kind of help is a loving act of self care. You will be investing this time and work in yourself- opening a door to possibilities. You have the self awareness to ask for help- that's a good thing.  I wish you the best in this next step.

[JNChell]

Nw, thank you.