Crazy BPD Relationship

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

Wanted to share my story. Hopefully it's cathartic for more people than only myself.

In 2017 I started seeing my now ex wBPD while overseas. I didn't want a relationship - I was happy without one for the first time in my life - and we agreed to friends with benefits, but also exclusive. Before this point, she had randomly turned up to events I had been at. Immediately after we started, one day she turned up to where I was living uninvited. I didn't answer the door, but she continued to knock and call my name, then went home. In hindsight, this was flag one. Later on, we had a fight and, as I wasn't attached, I decided in my mind not to contact her again. She didn't know this. However, later I would find out that she slept with someone else shortly after.

The start of the relo had great sex, particularly in the car, but she seemed very sensitive when she didn't get what she wanted. I noticed, but did nothing.

Anyway, I came home and she asked if we could date. I wasn't sure, but eventually I agreed to long distance. Soon after, I decided I wasn't that in to her - and I hated her constant need for three hour phone calls and getting upset when I wanted to hang up - so I broke up with her.

Immediately after she hooked up with one of my close friends. I reacted strongly, at which point she begged for me back. She called me and was crying, etc. The weird thing was, after she kissed my mate, I now wanted her. The experience reminded me of pain caused by my past gf doing something similar, and surprisingly this made me feel more for her.

Anyway, I decided to take her back and she came to Australia from UK for three months. When here, she wrote me up to 50+ letters explaining how much she loved me. I only read a few as they were repetitive and full of an immature / naive view of love. I also perceived that these letters weren't about me, but a fear that I would abandon her. I didn't know what BPD was yet.

Through this visit, I never had any time to myself. She needed my attention 100% of the time and I hated this. Eventually near the end she told me that she had tried to kill herself after her ex (who she said was abusive and a cheat) left her. She failed, but it seems to have been a genuine attempt and she ended up in a psyche ward after being deemed a danger to herself and others.

She told me that it only took two weeks to get over her ex - the one she cared so much about that she tried to kill herself! This was another red flag that I should have seen. When she told me about the suicide, I wanted to protect her but I also knew this wasn't the sort of baggage I wanted in my life.

Anyway, she went home and we did long distance for about 7 months. During that time her horse died. This destroyed her, but I could never understand it. For me, yes it's sad, but not "end of the world sad". She went on a trip to Egypt and later told me that she tried to get me to break up with her so that she could kill herself. Another flag.

She decided to move to Australia to be with me in Feb. When she got here, she offered me nothing. She was constantly depressed and irritable, and I often received silent treatments whenever I didn't do exactly what she wanted to do. I remember once driving her to a destination where she knew I had planned something surprising for her. On the way, she said she wanted to do something to which it either denied or said I wasn't sure - and she gave me the silent treatment! Each time this occured, I knew I didn't want this relationship.

A few weeks later, I remember thinking to myself "I wish she would cheat on me so I have a reason to leave her".

Then it began...

Three weeks in a row she went out with her work friends for drinks. The first night she went silent on all comms, and when I called her three times, on the third time someone hung up on me. I flipped and said we were over, to which she immediately called me crying and wondering what was going on. I found out later a guy had her phone - this is the guy she would cheat on me with two weeks later.

The next week, she begged for me to come out clubbing at 1am, and I said no but that I would pick her up. Later she messaged saying she wanted to go to her friends. I said no I would pick her up. I drove to where she was meant to be, but she was at someone else's house. When I came to get her, she was outside standing in the rain, which I found odd. She was high.

The next weekend, I knew something was wrong. I was convinced she was cheating. She messaged me at 1am asking if I could pick her up - I said no, because I was angry that she was out with guys I knew wanted to sleep with her. At 3am I asked "what are you doing right now" to which she said "I'll leave now". I said "that's not what I asked" and she said "I'm leaving now". Thirty minutes later she said "on my way" to which I said "f...off". She asked what and I said that she was with people who wanted to sleep with her. She said "they don't want to sleep with me Ben, Jesus". She had literally just finished sleeping with someone...

Two days later she admitted to cheating. I found out that after messaging saying she was coming home, the guy stole her phone and asked if she didn't like him. She told him she did like him but didn't want anything to happen. He then kissed her and she didn't stop it because she thought it made her feel better. She said halfway through she realised it didn't and was filled with shame and wanted to die.

When she came home, I was on couch and said that she doesn't give me any affection and what did she offer me? She looked depressed and walked off.

Anyway, throughout her admission I found out the week before he pinned her against a wall and tried it on as she was leaving, but she said no - and thus is why she was standing in the rain. During that week, she had been texting him sexual messages and Snapchatting him while sitting on the couch next to me. After the sex, she blocked but didn't delete him number.

This should have been where it ended. After all, I knew the relationship was over. But she begged me to stay and said she'd do anything. She was crying. And I was fearful she would kill herself. I asked her why this happened, and she said she felt like we were going to end and that it was due to her depression over the horse. She said all that week, pre cheating, that she had wanted to jump Infront of her morning train. That week she was also very disrespectful to me and snapped over my shoes not being in the right place...the night after she cheated, I took her to dinner and told her I was looking forward to building our life together (remember,I didn't know yet) and that evening she told me she thinks I should sleep with someone else so she can feel jealous, and that sex doesn't mean anything to her. Red. Flags.

When she went to bed, I researched what this could be about. I concluded that she either cheated or wanted to, so I went into the bedroom and said that the next day I wanted to go away on my own and think about us. She said "you're not leaving me, Ben, no".

Next morning she told me everything.

Anyway, for the next 6 months nothing improved. She was still emotionally distant and not giving me affection or much sex. If she did, it was reluctant. She told me that the cheating was also because "when you do what I want, it makes me not want to do what you want". I didn't understand, but I do now. She was a quiet BPD who didn't express when she is angry. She internalises it and hides it. She expects me to just know.

I also had bi-monthly outbursts at her where I said some bad things. I felt like I was fighting who she told me she was / why it happened vs. who her actions showed her to be. Everytime I went off over text, she would tell me it wasn't like that and he meant nothing and she wanted only me and the thought of anyone else touching her disgusted her.

Fast forward to December and nothing had changed. She wanted all my attention, and I felt like her caretaker. I wasn't getting anything in return. She constantly needed entertainment, and would change her mind every ten minutes. She bought a cat, took the cat back. Bought a guitar, exchanged it for a keyboard she barely played. Wanted to save, wanted to go out more, wanted to diet, wanted to sugar binge.

It took a massive toll on me. I already felt humiliated and emasculated and like I wasn't enough, and with each thing I did that wasn't appreciated or acknowledged, it would send me lower.

We had a fight. She later told me that she tried to tie a noose to hang herself. Then she decided we needed a change, and that should would move to her friends for a week to get better. When she came back, she told me all she had done is get high. She didn't think about anything. So she went again. At this point I thought I was done. All she had done is go against her promises, all the time.

One day she came to stay over. In the morning she said she was going to look at a new rental and would be back soon. 3-4 hours later she was no where. She later told me that she tried to meet her girlfriend but she wasn't home (she had randomly turned up). I could see a pattern. I was no longer her favourite. I was being devalued.

In early Jan, I said I couldn't do it anymore and  broke it up. She agreed, cried and hugged me and apologised for being so messed up...

A few hours later she said "this doesn't feel right" and that she wanted all of January to get right. The fun begins.

From then, she was distant, non responsive, avoidant and unable to make a decision. She met me to tell me that she had done thinking and wanted to travel more, go out more and be able to have boys as friends. I said, sure, but that this isn't what was causing our issues...I couldn't believe how shallow she was being. We went on three trips in 9 months. Always went to dinners. And I never said she couldn't be friends with guys, but obviously that made me feel ill. She then told me she was going to a festival with her mate and two guys...and wanted me to be okay with this moving forward. I told her that is unreasonable.

We met again, only to have same convo. This time she was very apathetic and seemed like she had given up on herself. At the end, we kissed and she left me with "do you feel anything when we kiss or have sex? I don't".

That broke me. And because we weren't together. I decided to sleep with someone else. When I did I felt empowered. She eventually asked me if I had and I said yes (I think because I wanted to show that other women value me, and also as payback). She lost it. Later called me back.

Anyway, from there we agreed to NC (my suggestion after giving up on winning her back and her saying she couldn't get over what I did). I blocked her on everything...a week later she contacted me through Google Photos! She had nothing to say, just wanted to contact me. She said she couldn't help wanting to talk to me. I didn't understand and said this is weird. She said she was seeing a therapist and maybe that would work. But no solid promise. She still wanted more travel,etc. To which I had already said yes. I also said she didn't care about me or love me, to which she replied with "I was up to 3am trying to find you on online dating profiles so you're wrong" to which I said "?" and she quickly reverted to "oh, it's just because it's hard to move on".

From there, I blocked and unblocked her several times. Each time she'd either hint that she will kill herself, or try to hint that maybe she will come back. But her actions never matched her words and my gut said she was stringing me along - and also that there was somewhere else. She wouldn't let me know where she lived, preferring I meet her 100m away from her house because "I don't want it to remind me of fights". The last time I see her, she walked to the end of the street and watched me drive away to make sure I didn't know where she lived. I knew it was odd, and I believe I now know why.

Anyway, I wasn't perfect through this period. I knew the relationship was dead, but I also loved her and wanted her back. I wanted her idealising self back.

I begged her for closure and she told me that we should go our seperate ways. I asked to meet her one last time and she said no. She said I was a great boyfriend and hadn't done anything wrong, she just couldn't be in a relationship and didn't know how long she needed. This was our second last contact. She also said her psychiatrist said she had dysthemic depression, most of the borderline traits, OCD and light autism.

The last time she went from "great boyfriend who didn't do anything wrong and was right for her" to "you just didn't do what I wanted you to do". I realised she had lied to me the entire time and told her to f off and blocked her.

Three weeks later, she was hanging around the guy she cheated on me with. And now she is dating him. This is the girl who told me she couldn't be in a relationship and just wanted to focus on getting better.

I contacted her saying how disgusting she is and that I knew she was doing this the whole time (my gut did tell me this, which is why I kept looking for answers). And she didn't reply. A week later, after reading plenty on BPD, I felt sorry for her and messaged saying I don't hate her and good luck.

Ever since I have been disgusted at her. I'm so angry. I want to emotionally hurt her just to get justice, but I know there's no point. I gave her so many chances to leave and do the right thing and give me closure, but each time she chose to string me along with false hope. Even before she cheated I asked if she wanted a break (because I knew she was distant and not happy) and she said no.

I cant believe someone could do these things. It doesn't feel real. Now she appears happy with the guy she cheated on me with, said meant nothing, said she hated and wanted to hurt, and claimed forced himself on her.

It's all so messed up.

[grumpydonut]

Hi all,

Wanted to share my story. Hopefully it's cathartic for more people than only myself.

In 2017 I started seeing my now ex wBPD while overseas. I didn't want a relationship - I was happy without one for the first time in my life - and we agreed to friends with benefits, but also exclusive. Before this point, she had randomly turned up to events I had been at. Immediately after we started, one day she turned up to where I was living uninvited. I didn't answer the door, but she continued to knock and call my name, then went home. In hindsight, this was flag one. Later on, we had a fight and, as I wasn't attached, I decided in my mind not to contact her again. She didn't know this. However, later I would find out that she slept with someone else shortly after.

The start of the relo had great sex, particularly in the car, but she seemed very sensitive when she didn't get what she wanted. I noticed, but did nothing.

Anyway, I came home and she asked if we could date. I wasn't sure, but eventually I agreed to long distance. Soon after, I decided I wasn't that in to her - and I hated her constant need for three hour phone calls and getting upset when I wanted to hang up - so I broke up with her.

Immediately after she hooked up with one of my close friends. I reacted strongly, at which point she begged for me back. She called me and was crying, etc. The weird thing was, after she kissed my mate, I now wanted her. The experience reminded me of pain caused by my past gf doing something similar, and surprisingly this made me feel more for her.

Anyway, I decided to take her back and she came to Australia from UK for three months. When here, she wrote me up to 50+ letters explaining how much she loved me. I only read a few as they were repetitive and full of an immature / naive view of love. I also perceived that these letters weren't about me, but a fear that I would abandon her. I didn't know what BPD was yet.

Through this visit, I never had any time to myself. She needed my attention 100% of the time and I hated this. Eventually near the end she told me that she had tried to kill herself after her ex (who she said was abusive and a cheat) left her. She failed, but it seems to have been a genuine attempt and she ended up in a psyche ward after being deemed a danger to herself and others.

She told me that it only took two weeks to get over her ex - the one she cared so much about that she tried to kill herself! This was another red flag that I should have seen. When she told me about the suicide, I wanted to protect her but I also knew this wasn't the sort of baggage I wanted in my life.

Anyway, she went home and we did long distance for about 7 months. During that time her horse died. This destroyed her, but I could never understand it. For me, yes it's sad, but not "end of the world sad". She went on a trip to Egypt and later told me that she tried to get me to break up with her so that she could kill herself. Another flag.

She decided to move to Australia to be with me in Feb. When she got here, she offered me nothing. She was constantly depressed and irritable, and I often received silent treatments whenever I didn't do exactly what she wanted to do. I remember once driving her to a destination where she knew I had planned something surprising for her. On the way, she said she wanted to do something to which it either denied or said I wasn't sure - and she gave me the silent treatment! Each time this occured, I knew I didn't want this relationship.

A few weeks later, I remember thinking to myself "I wish she would cheat on me so I have a reason to leave her".

Then it began...

Three weeks in a row she went out with her work friends for drinks. The first night she went silent on all comms, and when I called her three times, on the third time someone hung up on me. I flipped and said we were over, to which she immediately called me crying and wondering what was going on. I found out later a guy had her phone - this is the guy she would cheat on me with two weeks later.

The next week, she begged for me to come out clubbing at 1am, and I said no but that I would pick her up. Later she messaged saying she wanted to go to her friends. I said no I would pick her up. I drove to where she was meant to be, but she was at someone else's house. When I came to get her, she was outside standing in the rain, which I found odd. She was high.

The next weekend, I knew something was wrong. I was convinced she was cheating. She messaged me at 1am asking if I could pick her up - I said no, because I was angry that she was out with guys I knew wanted to sleep with her. At 3am I asked "what are you doing right now" to which she said "I'll leave now". I said "that's not what I asked" and she said "I'm leaving now". Thirty minutes later she said "on my way" to which I said "f...off". She asked what and I said that she was with people who wanted to sleep with her. She said "they don't want to sleep with me Ben, Jesus". She had literally just finished sleeping with someone...

Two days later she admitted to cheating. I found out that after messaging saying she was coming home, the guy stole her phone and asked if she didn't like him. She told him she did like him but didn't want anything to happen. He then kissed her and she didn't stop it because she thought it made her feel better. She said halfway through she realised it didn't and was filled with shame and wanted to die.

When she came home, I was on couch and said that she doesn't give me any affection and what did she offer me? She looked depressed and walked off.

Anyway, throughout her admission I found out the week before he pinned her against a wall and tried it on as she was leaving, but she said no - and thus is why she was standing in the rain. During that week, she had been texting him sexual messages and Snapchatting him while sitting on the couch next to me. After the sex, she blocked but didn't delete him number.

This should have been where it ended. After all, I knew the relationship was over. But she begged me to stay and said she'd do anything. She was crying. And I was fearful she would kill herself. I asked her why this happened, and she said she felt like we were going to end and that it was due to her depression over the horse. She said all that week, pre cheating, that she had wanted to jump Infront of her morning train. That week she was also very disrespectful to me and snapped over my shoes not being in the right place...the night after she cheated, I took her to dinner and told her I was looking forward to building our life together (remember,I didn't know yet) and that evening she told me she thinks I should sleep with someone else so she can feel jealous, and that sex doesn't mean anything to her. Red. Flags.

When she went to bed, I researched what this could be about. I concluded that she either cheated or wanted to, so I went into the bedroom and said that the next day I wanted to go away on my own and think about us. She said "you're not leaving me, Ben, no".

Next morning she told me everything.

Anyway, for the next 6 months nothing improved. She was still emotionally distant and not giving me affection or much sex. If she did, it was reluctant. She told me that the cheating was also because "when you do what I want, it makes me not want to do what you want". I didn't understand, but I do now. She was a quiet BPD who didn't express when she is angry. She internalises it and hides it. She expects me to just know.

I also had bi-monthly outbursts at her where I said some bad things. I felt like I was fighting who she told me she was / why it happened vs. who her actions showed her to be. Everytime I went off over text, she would tell me it wasn't like that and he meant nothing and she wanted only me and the thought of anyone else touching her disgusted her.

Fast forward to December and nothing had changed. She wanted all my attention, and I felt like her caretaker. I wasn't getting anything in return. She constantly needed entertainment, and would change her mind every ten minutes. She bought a cat, took the cat back. Bought a guitar, exchanged it for a keyboard she barely played. Wanted to save, wanted to go out more, wanted to diet, wanted to sugar binge.

It took a massive toll on me. I already felt humiliated and emasculated and like I wasn't enough, and with each thing I did that wasn't appreciated or acknowledged, it would send me lower.

We had a fight. She later told me that she tried to tie a noose to hang herself. Then she decided we needed a change, and that should would move to her friends for a week to get better. When she came back, she told me all she had done is get high. She didn't think about anything. So she went again. At this point I thought I was done. All she had done is go against her promises, all the time.

One day she came to stay over. In the morning she said she was going to look at a new rental and would be back soon. 3-4 hours later she was no where. She later told me that she tried to meet her girlfriend but she wasn't home (she had randomly turned up). I could see a pattern. I was no longer her favourite. I was being devalued.

In early Jan, I said I couldn't do it anymore and  broke it up. She agreed, cried and hugged me and apologised for being so messed up...

A few hours later she said "this doesn't feel right" and that she wanted all of January to get right. The fun begins.

From then, she was distant, non responsive, avoidant and unable to make a decision. She met me to tell me that she had done thinking and wanted to travel more, go out more and be able to have boys as friends. I said, sure, but that this isn't what was causing our issues...I couldn't believe how shallow she was being. We went on three trips in 9 months. Always went to dinners. And I never said she couldn't be friends with guys, but obviously that made me feel ill. She then told me she was going to a festival with her mate and two guys...and wanted me to be okay with this moving forward. I told her that is unreasonable.

We met again, only to have same convo. This time she was very apathetic and seemed like she had given up on herself. At the end, we kissed and she left me with "do you feel anything when we kiss or have sex? I don't".

That broke me. And because we weren't together. I decided to sleep with someone else. When I did I felt empowered. She eventually asked me if I had and I said yes (I think because I wanted to show that other women value me, and also as payback). She lost it. Later called me back.

Anyway, from there we agreed to NC (my suggestion after giving up on winning her back and her saying she couldn't get over what I did). I blocked her on everything...a week later she contacted me through Google Photos! She had nothing to say, just wanted to contact me. She said she couldn't help wanting to talk to me. I didn't understand and said this is weird. She said she was seeing a therapist and maybe that would work. But no solid promise. She still wanted more travel,etc. To which I had already said yes. I also said she didn't care about me or love me, to which she replied with "I was up to 3am trying to find you on online dating profiles so you're wrong" to which I said "?" and she quickly reverted to "oh, it's just because it's hard to move on".

From there, I blocked and unblocked her several times. Each time she'd either hint that she will kill herself, or try to hint that maybe she will come back. But her actions never matched her words and my gut said she was stringing me along - and also that there was somewhere else. She wouldn't let me know where she lived, preferring I meet her 100m away from her house because "I don't want it to remind me of fights". The last time I see her, she walked to the end of the street and watched me drive away to make sure I didn't know where she lived. I knew it was odd, and I believe I now know why.

Anyway, I wasn't perfect through this period. I knew the relationship was dead, but I also loved her and wanted her back. I wanted her idealising self back.

I begged her for closure and she told me that we should go our seperate ways. I asked to meet her one last time and she said no. She said I was a great boyfriend and hadn't done anything wrong, she just couldn't be in a relationship and didn't know how long she needed. This was our second last contact. She also said her psychiatrist said she had dysthemic depression, most of the borderline traits, OCD and light autism.

The last time she went from "great boyfriend who didn't do anything wrong and was right for her" to "you just didn't do what I wanted you to do". I realised she had lied to me the entire time and told her to f off and blocked her.

Three weeks later, she was hanging around the guy she cheated on me with. And now she is dating him. This is the girl who told me she couldn't be in a relationship and just wanted to focus on getting better.

I contacted her saying how disgusting she is and that I knew she was doing this the whole time (my gut did tell me this, which is why I kept looking for answers). And she didn't reply. A week later, after reading plenty on BPD, I felt sorry for her and messaged saying I don't hate her and good luck.

Ever since I have been disgusted at her. I'm so angry. I want to emotionally hurt her just to get justice, but I know there's no point. I gave her so many chances to leave and do the right thing and give me closure, but each time she chose to string me along with false hope. Even before she cheated I asked if she wanted a break (because I knew she was distant and not happy) and she said no.

I cant believe someone could do these things. It doesn't feel real. Now she appears happy with the guy she cheated on me with, said meant nothing, said she hated and wanted to hurt, and claimed forced himself on her.

It's all so messed up.

[Longterm]

Hi grumpydonut 

It's very confusing and disorienting right?

Sounds like you have been on quite the ride, unfortunately many here have, myself included. It just does not make sense and leaves us in a very emotional state, we all understand here.

We could talk about the ins and outs, the why's, the if's, the maybe's but one thing you said really stuck out to me.

 I didn't want a relationship - I was happy without one for the first time in my life  

This is a really good place to be and I think its imperative that your goal is to return to this place for a while. The cognitive dissonance that will be with you for a while can be brutal, do you have a therapist right now? If not, is it a service you can get access too? A therapist can help to centre you and work through the dissonance. You saw red flag after red flag but still continued, you need to unravel your reasoning behind this, to understand the part you played.

  Anyway, I wasn't perfect through this period. I knew the relationship was dead, but I also loved her and wanted her back. I wanted her idealising self back. 

"The good old days". This keeps you hooked, problem is is that person does not exist, that was fake, superficial, and ultimately damaging to you. It always starts out great and slowly over time it disintegrates, leaving you questioning yourself, believing that it's all your fault. You then start thinking "if I do this, if I say that", its emotionally draining, you give all of you and when they leave they take "you" with them. You are left a shell of who you once were, severely emotionally distressed, self esteem in the gutter. It is brutal and very, very painful.

You can and must rebuild yourself. Its starts with self care and turning your attention on yourself because you are in need right now.

I cant believe someone could do these things. It doesn't feel real. Now she appears happy with the guy she cheated on me with, said meant nothing, said she hated and wanted to hurt, and claimed forced himself on her. 

I didnt believe it either, looking back i was very naive, I now see as clear as day what and who my EXw is, a painful process but one that had to be taken. You have to look at what is right in front of you, the facts, not the what ifs. If you read up on cluster B you will begin to understand the cycles. You have just finished a cycle and she has began a new one with the current interest. This new "relationship" will go the same way as yours over time, you will see.

Your ex clearly has a lot of issues that you cannot fix, she needs professional help but is unlikely to seek it on a consistent basis, your attention is best spent on yourself right now.

LT.

[cosmical]

"The good old days". This keeps you hooked, problem is is that person does not exist, that was fake, superficial, and ultimately damaging to you. It always starts out great and slowly over time it disintegrates, leaving you questioning yourself, believing that it's all your fault. You then start thinking "if I do this, if I say that", its emotionally draining, you give all of you and when they leave they take "you" with them. You are left a shell of who you once were, severely emotionally distressed, self esteem in the gutter. It is brutal and very, very painful.

This is so so true. I could not have put it better. It is hard not to question yourself when you see a person change before your very eyes. Normal people don't just change, so a logical person would immediately blame themself... you had it perfect and you let it slip through your fingers. But the thing is, you can never match their expectation. At the start of my relationship I was perfect. She would say things like "I don't even care if you live at home with your parents" (which I didn't), "don't care if you can't fix a car", "don't care if you're not a natural gentleman". I was her blank slate that she would teach. But by the end of it I was too young, too immature, didn't have enough life experience, wasn't enough of a gentleman, etc etc.

Then they leave you, and this person you've been trying to be for them is untethered. What even is your purpose anymore, if not to be perfect for her? I don't have any advice, but I hope that it helps a little to know others are going through this too.

[grumpydonut]

Both great posts!

And wow. My ex would say the same. I heard "I don't care if we are broke and living on the streets, I just want you".