Diary of a BPD's partner. Realizing about my stressing routine with my BPDex

[Depression = 72% of members]

Six am. Here we go. I rise up from the bed and i chose not to wear my shoes despite of cold. Noise on the floor is not a good idea because its time to take my anti-depressives. Last time she saw me taking pills what she didnt knew which was, she was upset because i have dont talking with her about it. Some cold in feets is no big deal.

Pills check, breakfast check, clothes check, its time for the goodbie. First a cuddle in dogs, yes they sleep with us, then is time to kiss my BPDex. About 3 seconds is the perfect time. Not so short to be unkind and not so long for her reaction to hold me and grab me in the bed again. So, kiss check, bathroom dor closed, room's door ajar, not closed and not too open. It must be sufficient to enter some Light but not too much.

Everything's perfect until now. So lets go to the job. I forgot the phone flashlight on my pocket after a pupils' test. Its been a half hour more or less. Not good. Not good. My battery charger was in home (not a good idea to bring it with me. My exBPD could think i can go to somewhere after the job). But if my phone die because low battery theres a chance for a no answer message for her. Ok, no big deal lets put on economy mode and search a phone charger. The god damn samsung changes the type of entrance and no one in the clinic has one useful. The schedulle is full i cant seek anymore. Theres a lady looking strange to me because im not calling the patients.

Well, looks like lucky is changed, secretary found a charger to me. "Escuse me sr, i have too put on charge. Never knows when we could have an emergency on this pandemia". Everything is going weel. Its time to lunch. Better food is near but without wifi. But its a cold sunny day and i like to walk in this weather.

The afternoon was calm. Three patients missed and a empty time too relax. Lets see whats going on in the watsap. Ten minutes its ok. A long time "online" in whats its not a good idea. End of office hour. Time to go back. In building, a little time to relax in the garage before go home is a good idea. I dont know what is waiting for me after all. In home its all ok. Such a relief.

"Go walk with the dogs, its been long time after last walk of them. They must wanting to do your necessities". Ok, lets go pugs! Its really a good day. Its been passes 30 min and Julio (the younger pug) still dont do his second poo. If this little poo machine do this at home its a really bad thing. Come on Julio. Stop smelling an do this. This place is perfect. Finally! They are all empty. Lets back to home.

In home a litle mistake. For distraction i laughed off a video in my phone. "Whats so funny PPS?". "Nothing, Just for guys dressing smoking carrying loading a coffin in many funny situations. "Send to me, you always send all of kind of stuff for everybody unless me, i dont know why, i dont a good person for you laughing with it". "Ok i just sended to you, there one really funny, two chickens walking in front of KFC". "I will see after finish this god damn work for university, teacher dont answer my questions".

For a detail a storm becames a little rain. No big deal. Really a good day. All atention from now on is needed.

Well, until i slept there a many things i was concern too but i think is gonna be too long. I realize today (before 4 days of the separation) all my unconsciently efforts to avoid a conflict in a routine day. Its worthy to live all days like this because the good moments lived before?" Thinking about my "normal" day makes me realize how stressing and exhausting to live this way. This strategy is working to me and i feel better in analyze that. Thats it for today. Good vibes for all!

[PPS]

Six am. Here we go. I rise up from the bed and i chose not to wear my shoes despite of cold. Noise on the floor is not a good idea because its time to take my anti-depressives. Last time she saw me taking pills what she didnt knew which was, she was upset because i have dont talking with her about it. Some cold in feets is no big deal.

Pills check, breakfast check, clothes check, its time for the goodbie. First a cuddle in dogs, yes they sleep with us, then is time to kiss my BPDex. About 3 seconds is the perfect time. Not so short to be unkind and not so long for her reaction to hold me and grab me in the bed again. So, kiss check, bathroom dor closed, room's door ajar, not closed and not too open. It must be sufficient to enter some Light but not too much.

Everything's perfect until now. So lets go to the job. I forgot the phone flashlight on my pocket after a pupils' test. Its been a half hour more or less. Not good. Not good. My battery charger was in home (not a good idea to bring it with me. My exBPD could think i can go to somewhere after the job). But if my phone die because low battery theres a chance for a no answer message for her. Ok, no big deal lets put on economy mode and search a phone charger. The god damn samsung changes the type of entrance and no one in the clinic has one useful. The schedulle is full i cant seek anymore. Theres a lady looking strange to me because im not calling the patients.

Well, looks like lucky is changed, secretary found a charger to me. "Escuse me sr, i have too put on charge. Never knows when we could have an emergency on this pandemia". Everything is going weel. Its time to lunch. Better food is near but without wifi. But its a cold sunny day and i like to walk in this weather.

The afternoon was calm. Three patients missed and a empty time too relax. Lets see whats going on in the watsap. Ten minutes its ok. A long time "online" in whats its not a good idea. End of office hour. Time to go back. In building, a little time to relax in the garage before go home is a good idea. I dont know what is waiting for me after all. In home its all ok. Such a relief.

"Go walk with the dogs, its been long time after last walk of them. They must wanting to do your necessities". Ok, lets go pugs! Its really a good day. Its been passes 30 min and Julio (the younger pug) still dont do his second poo. If this little poo machine do this at home its a really bad thing. Come on Julio. Stop smelling an do this. This place is perfect. Finally! They are all empty. Lets back to home.

In home a litle mistake. For distraction i laughed off a video in my phone. "Whats so funny PPS?". "Nothing, Just for guys dressing smoking carrying loading a coffin in many funny situations. "Send to me, you always send all of kind of stuff for everybody unless me, i dont know why, i dont a good person for you laughing with it". "Ok i just sended to you, there one really funny, two chickens walking in front of KFC". "I will see after finish this god damn work for university, teacher dont answer my questions".

For a detail a storm becames a little rain. No big deal. Really a good day. All atention from now on is needed.

Well, until i slept there a many things i was concern too but i think is gonna be too long. I realize today (before 4 days of the separation) all my unconsciently efforts to avoid a conflict in a routine day. Its worthy to live all days like this because the good moments lived before?" Thinking about my "normal" day makes me realize how stressing and exhausting to live this way. This strategy is working to me and i feel better in analyze that. Thats it for today. Good vibes for all!

[JNChell]

Are you still in this relationship? If you are, it sounds like you really want out. What’s going on with you? Are you okay?

[PPS]

No, i broke up since five days. The situation told by me was a realizing how the relationship was toxic for me.

Now im suffering a huge pressure by my BPDex to reengage. She is using my family and dogs to emtional blackmail me. But she alternates in period of extreme rage and bargain. She constructed a story where im a monster to leave her. Its all against me no matter my arguments. When i tell about situations what i lived nobody believes. Hard. So hard. But the relief is the major feeling right now.

[once removed]

Now im suffering a huge pressure by my BPDex to reengage. She is using my family and dogs to emtional blackmail me. But she alternates in period of extreme rage and bargain.

tell us more. whats going on?

are the two of you living together or separated?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey PPS, Stay strong.  No one really knows what's it like on the inside of a BPD r/s except for those of us who have experienced the rage and turmoil.  Presumably you will be facing a wave of F-O-G (fear, obligation and/or guilt) from your Ex in an attempt to manipulate you.  I suggest you do what's right for you, despite the pressure.  Put yourself first for a change.

LuckyJim