BPD who is self harming and dangerous

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have a mother with BPD and I suspect she is in danger. Every time I leave the area on vacation she suffers a terrible fall that sets her back 3-4 months in recuperation. She makes everyone promise not to tell me while I am away, saving the “surprise” for me when I return. I think these falls may be intentional.

Does anyone have any similar experience?

[Angelhair60]

I have a mother with BPD and I suspect she is in danger. Every time I leave the area on vacation she suffers a terrible fall that sets her back 3-4 months in recuperation. She makes everyone promise not to tell me while I am away, saving the “surprise” for me when I return. I think these falls may be intentional.

Does anyone have any similar experience?

[Panda39]

Hi Angelhair60,

Welcome to the group 

Sadly, your mom's behavior does not sound surprising.  At the heart of BPD is the fear of abandonment.  You going on vacation is likely triggering that fear and it sounds like she is acting out.  But don't stop going on vacation    She is responsible for her own feelings and behaviors not you.

Does she live on her own?  Does she have these issues when you are home?  Do these falls only happen when you go on vacation?  If so this is likely what we around here call FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.

More on FOG... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Again Welcome,
Panda39

[Methuen]

Hi Angelhairs60.

I can relate, although my situation was a little bit different.

All the years our children were little and growing up, we never travelled anywhere warm at Christmas time because I am an only child, and it would have meant leaving my mother "alone".  I was clueless that she had trained me to feel this way.  That went on for 20 years.  Then I started seeing a counsellor, and she challenged me by saying "we should go on our holiday"!  At first I honestly thought what she was suggesting was terrible.  But with therapy, I slowly started to see what was wrong with this. Last Christmas, we went on our holiday with our adult Children.  To be fair, we got back home Christmas Eve, so we would be together Xmas Day, but we did it.  It wasn't easy, but we handled it thoughtfully, and it turned out OK. 

Two years ago, when we went on a family trip downunder, my mom panicked and was yelling at us that "she could die while we were gone".

It's definitely the FEAR of abandonment.  What is happening with your mom really isn't a surprise for a pwBPD.

Every time I leave the area on vacation she suffers a terrible fall that sets her back 3-4 months in recuperation

I doubt that this is intentional manipulation.  But it is probably a result of the BPD.

Keep living your life.  My counsellor telling me to take my family on holiday was the best advice.