How to protect my daughter from my bpd mom?

[tut]

First of all, I'm not a native English speaker so sorry for any mistake...

I have a bpd mother, and 4 children of my own (7, 5 and two babies).
Just ~5 years ago I realized my mom has bpd. Until then I thought I am "nuts". Me and my brother and sisters were scared and frightened from her and no one spoke about the abuse that was going on.

After she had a big crisis and hospitalization, she was diagnosed and me and my siblings finally started to talk to each other.

My problem is mainly regarding my oldest daughter who is 7 years old.
My mom treated her once a week until she was 3.5, and my daughter really loves her. Then she had her crisis and hospitalization. She insisted that I'll bring my daughter to her despite her condition, and I refused.
She claimed then that I'm distancing her from my daughter.

After that my mom was treated with DBT and medication and was OK for a few years, but she then dropped treatment and now she is again in a horrible condition.
She is starting to show bpd behaviors towards my daughter, e.g. claiming that my daughter should do things for her since she invested in her so much until now, or talking about how I'm making my daughter miserable since her siblings were born.
She is like obsessed with her.
When she is in a bad situation I don't let her see my daughter for a while and she is saying that I'm distancing them and that she'll go to the court to have visiting hours.

Also my daughter sees our confrontation, since my mom cannot stop creating them even though she is around.

I'm terrified of what will be in the near and distance future. E.g. when my daughter will have a phone and my mom can have a direct access to her.

Thank you if you've read so far...

[Panda39]

Hi Tut,

Welcome to the group 

She is starting to show bpd behaviors towards my daughter, e.g. claiming that my daughter should do things for her since she invested in her so much until now, or talking about how I'm making my daughter miserable since her siblings were born. She is like obsessed with her.

This sounds like FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail. When there is pressure to do something you don't want to do it is usually FOG. It helps when you can recognize the FOG for what it is.

More on FOG... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

When she is in a bad situation I don't let her see my daughter for a while and she is saying that I'm distancing them and that she'll go to the court to have visiting hours.

Good for you for protecting your daughter, you are setting an appropriate boundary here.  This is about protecting your daughter and not punishing your mother.

I'm terrified of what will be in the near and distance future. E.g. when my daughter will have a phone and my mom can have a direct access to her

I swear cell phones are the bane of our existence...my partner also had trouble with his undiagnosed BPD ex-wife and their children's cell phone.  She had no qualms about calling her daughters and waking them up in the middle of the night on a school night.

You will likely want to talk with your daughter about rules around a cell phone once you get her one. We also have a co-parenting board that you might find helpful when the time comes to get your daughter a cell phone or other issues regarding your mom and daugher... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

I'm curious what you think your daughter's awareness is regarding the issues your mom has and the difficulties you and your mom have?

Panda39

[zachira]

I am so glad you are reaching out to figure out how to best protect your daughter from your BPD mom. I grew up with a mother with BPD so I understand your concerns abouts how your daughter interacting with her grandmother could negatively affect your daughter. I think it is so hard to tell a grandparent they can't be around their grandchild at certain times, and to limit contact. You don't want to hurt your mother, yet you first priority is doing what is best for your daughter. I would say only let your mother see your daughter when your mother is more stable and only if you are present. There may come a point where your daughter does not want to see her grandmother and I would respect those feelings when possible.