HELP getting over hurts and lies

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Hi guys,

Two separate questions today. I’ll spare you to the details but would love to know:

1. How do you forgive/get over/move on from something hurtful that your partner says? He said something insulting to me and incredibly egotistical last night and I’m having a really, really hard time moving on from it. I’m very anxious now and worried he is a full-blown narcissist ( I don’t think he actually is, but it really worried/irked me)

2. How to build trust with your partner who is prone to lying?

Immediately after the rude comment, but unrelated to it, I found out he lied to me about something. Nothing bad happened and it was all pretty innocent but all I’ve ever wanted from him was open and honest communication. I’ve asked him for this over and over and over again. He has gotten so much better at being upfront and truthful with me, so I was really hurt by the lie. He had no reason to lie about what he did. I’m more upset about the lying than the “crime” committed.

We always, always get to the truth or he’ll usually tell me the truth but it takes a lot of pestering him to get there. That said, I am saddened to say that I don’t trust him all the time and I don’t trust him not to continue lying.

I think he does it because he’s scared of telling the truth? Scared of my reaction? I don’t know...but nothing he’s ever lied about has been worth the lie, in my opinion. Trust is such an important part of a relationship- if not THE most important part. I desperately want to feel trust in him again but don’t know how we can get there. Any tips?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

the hard part for me was learning that trust is a two way street.

if i expected honesty from my partner, i had to be a partner that made my partner feel as though they could be honest with me.

its going to be difficult for us to advise you on this unless we get to the meat and potatoes, the details, of what happened here.

what did he lie about?

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the hard part for me was learning that trust is a two way street.

if i expected honesty from my partner, i had to be a partner that made my partner feel as though they could be honest with me.

its going to be difficult for us to advise you on this unless we get to the meat and potatoes, the details, of what happened here.

what did he lie about?

That statement rings true. Sometimes I am not the easiest person to be truthful to. I get jealous easily and get angry quickly. I can see why he might think it would be easier to lie to me in those instances.

I’ll just keep it very short. I found out he was still talking online to someone I specifically asked him not to speak with anymore. I have never before made a request like this- I usually never try to dictate who he can speak with or be friends with because that’s not my place at all.

Him and I had had a few conversations about it and he assured me it would be inappropriate for him to continue talking to this person. I asked him a few days ago if he was still talking with her and he lied and told me “no”.

I found out otherwise yesterday. She claims the conversation was never flirty, or inappropriate in any way. She says it was purely professional, but I’m not sure I believe that 100%. I don’t think he crossed any major boundaries in regards to the conversation but I am still very upset that he broke my trust again by lying about it.

When I confronted him about it, he was already on his way out of town to go camping. He sent me the following texts:

“I was just about to call you and tell you everything. I really was. But I’ve lied to so many people, so many times. I’m a sleazy person and I think it would just be best if I just go now”

I don’t know what he meant by “go now”. I sent him a reply asking him a question about the situation to get some clarity, but he just replied that he was about to lose service and said “Goodbye Hayley”.

Of course, I’m worried for his safety. He’s a very dramatic person so I’m not sure if he was just trying to be dramatic or if he’s really in harms way (I suspect the former but of course, am still worried). I tried to call today again just to make sure he was still alive. It rang three times and then I think he declined the call. I sent a follow up text that of course, went unanswered.

Before all of this he said he would probably be gone for 1 or 2 nights so if I don’t hear from him by Friday evening, I’m going to be EXTREMELY worried. Anyway, once I find out he’s okay, we still need to deal with this situation.

I plan on telling him that when he’s ready to talk, I promise to maintain a safe space and will not yell or attack him. I just wan to try and understand what happened. But I don’t know how to deal with the hurt of it on my end.

[babyducks]

I found out he was still talking online to someone I specifically asked him not to speak with anymore. I have never before made a request like this- I usually never try to dictate who he can speak with or be friends with because that’s not my place at all.

if he had professional reasons to talk to this person and the conversation remained professional... what is the problem you are trying to fix here?

I ask because fixing our feelings by changing someone else almost never works.

focusing on the other person in our relationship is not usually helpful in the long run.   what is helpful is understanding our reasoning, our thinking and how to address that first.

make sense?

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if he had professional reasons to talk to this person and the conversation remained professional... what is the problem you are trying to fix here?

I ask because fixing our feelings by changing someone else almost never works.

focusing on the other person in our relationship is not usually helpful in the long run.   what is helpful is understanding our reasoning, our thinking and how to address that first.

make sense?

Just to clarify, it was a professional relationship that crossed over into personal territory and the content exchanged was not explicitly cheating but NOT appropriate for someone with a partner. That’s why him and i agreed it was better to not speak with her anymore.

But yes, I do agree that taking care of my own thoughts and feelings is the only way to change. That’s why I would like some help navigating this.

[once removed]

I plan on telling him that when he’s ready to talk, I promise to maintain a safe space and will not yell or attack him. I just wan to try and understand what happened. But I don’t know how to deal with the hurt of it on my end.

heres the thing.

i think this is less about who is wrong or right in this case. its more about the big picture, whats gone on lately, whats gone on for a while.

your relationship is on the verge of a breakup. a breakup just happened, days ago (it would help to know what happened that led the two of you back together after that).

the two of you have been going at it. the relationship is high conflict, high stress. things arent really resolved, its exhausting for both of you, and trust is pretty much spent.

your boyfriend is signaling that he has at least one foot out of the relationship, and has been increasingly distancing; he told you as much. that may explain why he went back on the agreement. hes conflicted. if the two of you were broken up, he may have given himself permission, in the moment.

what needs to occur in order for this relationship to get back on course is a total stopping of the bleeding...as little conflict as possible, for as long as possible.

“I was just about to call you and tell you everything. I really was. But I’ve lied to so many people, so many times. I’m a sleazy person and I think it would just be best if I just go now”

I don’t know what he meant by “go now”. I sent him a reply asking him a question about the situation to get some clarity, but he just replied that he was about to lose service and said “Goodbye Hayley”.

these are the words/actions of someone pushing you away, avoiding conflict. the way to resolve this is not to text him, not to message him, and not to press to deal with the situation. thats not likely to happen, at least not in the way you want it to.

give him space. let him come to you. when he does, dont even bring any of it up.

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Once Removed,

That makes me really sad to read. It really doesn’t feel like things were as bad as they read on paper.

Our “breakup” was a couple of weeks ago now and we reconciled after he reached out via email. He had a week to himself and was feeling much better. We talked things through and had another wonderful couple of weeks. No conflict, no stress at all. He We just really enjoyed each other’s company and things were really good again.

But yes, we are in a cycle still, that’s for sure. And when the cycle occurs, it is painful and stressful for both of us. I still want things to get better though and I really hope he’s not “one foot out the door” at all times. I know I sound naive but things really are so wonderful for both of us during periods of calmness and joy.

Anyway, I hope there is still hope for us still...I won’t message him anymore and I won’t bring it up if I hear from him.

[once removed]

No conflict, no stress at all. He We just really enjoyed each other’s company and things were really good again.

But yes, we are in a cycle still, that’s for sure.

the last time i saw my ex, we spent a wonderful, conflict free weekend + a couple of days. she told me shed fallen in love with me all over again. it was about a week before we broke up.

these things, the day to day, the week to week, are not necessarily representative of the big picture.

dont get me wrong. conflict free, in the short term, is where you want to be, because it thaws that ice. it just doesnt resolve the problem(s).

any update?