Why shoukd this affect me so much?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, here I am after q year of separation. We have 3 kids together, never married. She is undiagnosed but has traits.
So far no custody issues. When she was a girl, she was in the middle of a terrible custody battle between her parents. She hqs always made it a point that our children won't grow up without a father. She has never interfered with me being in their life. I facetime with the kids everyday they are not with me and she sometimes sends me pictures of them when they are doing funny stuff. She baked a cake with my 4yo for my birthday. She does not speak ill of me with them.That kind of stuff.
Our main issue is money. I give her all I can just to keep peace. She is currently not working and is under inmense financial pressure. I do what I can. But that has caused her to explode towards me and blame me for everything. She obviously feels entitled to much more.
What I cannot handle is her rough and rude treatment towards me. Simple things like her messaging asking me for money to buy the kids a couple of toys, and when I tell her I made the deposit, her not thanking me. I know this is a "me" issue. But it still affects me. I somehow still want to have a cordial enough relationship with her someday. At the beginning of our separation we even took the kids on a trip to an amusement park together, as a family. I guess I just have the hope to be capable of doing stuff like that for our kids. At least a dinner together or at least them not feeling the obvious tension between us.
I read the horror stories here and I feel a bit ridiculous posting this. I know things could be worse, and could get worse. But I would like them to get better .
End of rant.

[Yourdudeness]

So, here I am after q year of separation. We have 3 kids together, never married. She is undiagnosed but has traits.
So far no custody issues. When she was a girl, she was in the middle of a terrible custody battle between her parents. She hqs always made it a point that our children won't grow up without a father. She has never interfered with me being in their life. I facetime with the kids everyday they are not with me and she sometimes sends me pictures of them when they are doing funny stuff. She baked a cake with my 4yo for my birthday. She does not speak ill of me with them.That kind of stuff.
Our main issue is money. I give her all I can just to keep peace. She is currently not working and is under inmense financial pressure. I do what I can. But that has caused her to explode towards me and blame me for everything. She obviously feels entitled to much more.
What I cannot handle is her rough and rude treatment towards me. Simple things like her messaging asking me for money to buy the kids a couple of toys, and when I tell her I made the deposit, her not thanking me. I know this is a "me" issue. But it still affects me. I somehow still want to have a cordial enough relationship with her someday. At the beginning of our separation we even took the kids on a trip to an amusement park together, as a family. I guess I just have the hope to be capable of doing stuff like that for our kids. At least a dinner together or at least them not feeling the obvious tension between us.
I read the horror stories here and I feel a bit ridiculous posting this. I know things could be worse, and could get worse. But I would like them to get better .
End of rant.

[ForeverDad]

We're glad she recognizes you as a father figure and has been determined not to blacklist your fatherhood as occurred in her own youth.

Remarkably few people can address their own deep issues and resolve them without outside help, someone who has the role similar to therapist, counselor, religious mentor, etc.

A general comment here is that it would take an experienced — and one perceived as emotionally neutral — therapist to help her.  And a few sessions won't make a dent in her perceptions and behaviors.  Notice I stated emotionally neutral.  You are emotionally connected to her and her emotion-based perceptions heighten her issues.  When you speak or try to help, she's not listening, there's just too much emotional baggage from the past for her to hear.

One person who did succeed with that task was Marsha Linehan.  Notice too what I previously wrote regarding the paperback "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!"

How much the other parent will respond and change without a neutral professional providing guidance and structure, well, is unknown.  It varies from person to person.  Late in life in 2011 the early pioneering professional on BPD, Marsha Linehan, revealed that she of all people too suffered with BPD.  The original NYTimes article.  She is the exception to the rule, she found a way to help herself and accept help, whereas nearly all suffering with BPD need an emotionally neutral guiding professional.  Emotionally neutral is crucial because the Borderline emotional baggage is immense and a strong barrier for them to listen to those emotionally close to them.  I recall the author of "I Hate You! Don't Leave Me!" writing that she never ever even touched her therapist, he kept an emotionally neutral therapeutic distance, not until they hugged on her final session, her "Graduation Day".

I'm only cautioning you that there may be a limit to what you or others can do regarding the other parent.

[JNChell]

No need to feel ridiculous. Bottom line, dealing with this stuff sucks. It does sound like things are fairly cordial between you and the mother. Best to look out for yourself and your children. I’m not insinuating that you aren’t, but solid boundaries (which I’m terrible at), wouldn’t hurt. If you can avoid family court, great! It’s very biased against the best of fathers. It’s basically standardized to benefit the mother regardless of the reality of the situation. My Son’s mother and I have avoided court thus far. It’s a roller coaster that has become more about pride than money from my POV. Yes, I’m still guilty of reacting and stoking the flames of hostility.

Do you have a basic idea of how much money you give her on a monthly basis? Do you think that she would agree to that allowance per month without nagging you for more than that? Perhaps you could have a notarized agreement and keep a record of what you give her in case things end up in court.

I had the same hopes that you do. To be able to do family stuff for the sake of our Son. Personally, I’ve realized that it simply isn’t possible. I was being fake in trying to be friends with my ex. She isn’t the type of person that I want to be friends with. She is nothing like my closest friends. My closest friends are interested in how I feel and how my life is going, and I them. My ex is interested in portraying me to be a terrible person and knows how to use my past (childhood) against me. She will stab me out of nowhere.

Consider what you’re willing to shoulder. If the relationship is truly over, maybe think about granting yourself some structure starting with boundaries. I understand wanting to provide for your children, but it isn’t fair for her to call on you any time that she feels like she deserves to get paid. Don’t let her patterns become your habits. She’s exhibiting entitlement. Best to get on top of that early.

[yeeter]

No need to apologize.  You are recognizing that you have a lot of ‘good’ things happening.  Read, learn, use the tools here (even in the ‘staying’ section are great tools) to retain what is working well and build on it even.  Use that foothold to strengthen the relationship between you (or if not strengthen, solidify)

Do not make that worse!

Then at the same time compartmentalize the financial aspects and development some boundaries of how to engage.  I find BIFF to be useful (brief, informative, friendly, firm) and do not JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain). 

Develop your own sense of what is appropriate.  Build confidence in your own boundaries.  Calibrate with trusted advisors if it helps.  Then live it

[worriedStepmom]

I think you need to accept that because you aren't a single family anymore, your children won't have those "family" experiences.  That's okay.  That's a consequence of divorce/separation, and your kids will be okay without it.

My non-personality disordered ex and I have an excellent coparenting relationship.  The extent of our "one family" stuff is to sit together at the kids' activities, to show that the children's 2 families are united for them.  We don't do dinners together, we don't do excursions together, we don't celebrate holidays or the kids' birthdays together.  We've been divorced 10 years, and our kids are now in middle school and high school.  They feel extremely secure in their families and they know that mom and dad are coordinating in the background to present a united front to do what is best for them. It wasn't a quick process; it took a few years for the tension to fade and for us to build that relationship. 

I think it's really important to have boundaries around money.  My ex and I keep child support very separate from parenting.  If you don't have a legal agreement about how much money you send her (and how often you see the kids), you should get one.  Sell it as just codifying what you are already doing to protect both of you.  You can find out how much your state would require you to pay, and you can adjust that amount upwards if you choose.  You aren't in a relationship anymore.  It isn't your job to rescue her. 

[livednlearned]

Our main issue is money. I give her all I can just to keep peace. She is currently not working and is under inmense financial pressure. I do what I can. But that has caused her to explode towards me and blame me for everything. She obviously feels entitled to much more.

This sounds like someone who resents being controlled. At the same time, she doesn't know how to get out from under her dependency.

The entitlement is not excusable. It's also a way to hide the vulnerability and resentment she feels being dependent on you.

What I cannot handle is her rough and rude treatment towards me. Simple things like her messaging asking me for money to buy the kids a couple of toys, and when I tell her I made the deposit, her not thanking me. I know this is a "me" issue.

I wonder, too, if it's actually hard for you because there is less volatility than some of the horror stories here. Your heart can be easily persuaded that normalcy is within reach when it is the lesser degree of conflict you're dealing with.

The bad news is that if you want it to change, you will have to be the one making those changes. That's also the good news, that you have some say in how much abuse you will tolerate.

In my most challenging relationships, whether its family of origin or people who are in my life by choice, I have to figure out how to structure the relationship so that I am not repeatedly getting hurt.

So far I haven't found any amount of change comes without giving up something, whether it's passivity or convenience or ease or status quo.

[Yourdudeness]

We're glad she recognizes you as a father figure and has been determined not to blacklist your fatherhood as occurred in her own youth.

Remarkably few people can address their own deep issues and resolve them without outside help, someone who has the role similar to therapist, counselor, religious mentor, etc.

A general comment here is that it would take an experienced — and one perceived as emotionally neutral — therapist to help her.  And a few sessions won't make a dent in her perceptions and behaviors.  Notice I stated emotionally neutral.  You are emotionally connected to her and her emotion-based perceptions heighten her issues.  When you speak or try to help, she's not listening, there's just too much emotional baggage from the past for her to hear.

One person who did succeed with that task was Marsha Linehan.  Notice too what I previously wrote regarding the paperback "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!"

Thanks for your response, Foreverdad. She is attending therapy, I hope it will eventually help. I understand that the only thing in my power is not to make things worse.

[Yourdudeness]

No need to apologize.  You are recognizing that you have a lot of ‘good’ things happening.  Read, learn, use the tools here (even in the ‘staying’ section are great tools) to retain what is working well and build on it even.  Use that foothold to strengthen the relationship between you (or if not strengthen, solidify)

Do not make that worse!

Then at the same time compartmentalize the financial aspects and development some boundaries of how to engage.  I find BIFF to be useful (brief, informative, friendly, firm) and do not JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain). 

Develop your own sense of what is appropriate.  Build confidence in your own boundaries.  Calibrate with trusted advisors if it helps.  Then live it

Thanks for your response, Yeeter. I understand I need to have clear boundaries and reinforce them. My proble! is that she still has this power over me. I guess I just still love her too much.