Housemate

[Hedwig]

Hi Everyone,

I used to read and post here a few years ago because my mother (now passed away) had suspected BPD.  This post isn't directly about my mother, so I hope this is still the right place to post. 

I had housemate move in about a year ago and he just doesn't sit quite right with me.  He seems to be different every time I chat to him - sometimes very friendly and oversharing personal information, sometimes very formal and distant, sometimes inexplicably pissed off. 

I frequently hear him flying into a rage in his bedroom, screaming F---ing C---- at the top of his lungs and it sounds like he's throwing things around his room.  He started doing it this morning at around 3am.

He also has a habit of staring at my boobs every time I try to chat with him.  I started crossing my arms over my chest whenever I noticed him doing it and at first he seemed to get the hint and stopped leering, but recently it seems like it's turned into a bit of a game for him, where he tries to see how much he can get away with before I shut him down. 

Anyway. The other day I overheard him on a zoom call to one of his friends saying that he's been diagnosed with BPD and I'm feeling very triggered. Part of me wants to run for the hills and part of me thinks I should give him a chance, since it seems like he's in therapy and trying to work through it.  I also live in a city where rent is very expensive and nice, affordable apartments are difficult to find, so that along with the whole quarantine thing would make moving difficult right now.

Anyway, I'm not really sure what the purpose of this post is.  I guess just to get it off my chest?  I tried to talk to my other housemate about it, but he just shrugged his shoulders and said he hadn't noticed any of it.

[zachira]

Welcome back to BPD Family! My mother with BPD has also passed away. You have found out that your housemate has BPD and are feeling very uncomfortable about having to stay where you are for now because of the pandemic. One of the biggest challenges for me having a mother with BPD, has been attracting other people with BPD into my life. You have caught on to the fact that your roommate is similar to your mother, and I hope you are not blaming yourself for not figuring this out earlier. People with BPD are extremely charming, and sometimes we just don't see the red flags soon enough, though with time and practice, we do get better at not getting involved with people with BPD or becoming so affected by their bad moods and mistreatment of others. What helps you now to stay calm and relieve how triggered you are feeling? Are you worried that your housemate might harm you? It is terribly uncomfortable to have a man leering at you. We are here for you during these challenging times. Do let us know what you need and how we can be the most helpful.

[Hedwig]

Hi Zachira,

Thanks for your reply.  I'm sorry to hear that you were raised by a BPD mother as well. 

I think, like you, I attract people with BPD traits and part of the reason I'm feeling so triggered is that it's starting to feel like an inescapable recurring theme in my life.  I also feel trapped being in the house all the time and not able to get myself away from his triggering behaviours to the extent that I would be able to in normal life.  But I've been getting out for walks most days to try to stay calm and am mostly just trying to keep a friendly atmosphere, while also keeping him at arms length so that I don't get caught up in his drama. 
 

[zachira]

Hedwig,
There is hope that at some point you will no longer attract people with BPD into your life. I am glad to hear you are walking outside and keeping your housemate at arms length. When you are walking, it can help to focus on what is going on inside you, what your feelings are, what you feel inside of your body, instead of thinking about what is bothering you so you can process the discomfort with your roommate and not be so overwhelmed by his behaviors. I have been struggling for a long time with what kind of people I attract in my life, and taking out time daily to just go inside and restore my calm is what works best for me. I am currently in crisis over a new round of escalating abuse by my sister with NPD and her codependent husband, and spending a couple hours a day on mindfulness really restores my equilibrium. Because you are aware of what is going on, and willing to do things differently, you will be able to attract better people into your life and be able to keep yourself safe from people with BPD.