Correction: She is "now" far less destructive and I'm "better" at tools now than I used to be.
I’m glad to hear it.
Out of curiosity, how do your kids view mom, your relationship? How does she express BPD with them?
Seeing how my H’s behavior is/has impacted my kids I believe is my breaking point. I’m getting some info flow from them. Things I didn’t know, a few that I discounted. If I can’t do it for me, I surely will for my kids.
Plans being worked on. Not easy process to start, but pandemic, new job adds a bit of spice, so carefully planning. Plan A is mostly formed (knowing there will u-turns and curve balls), working through Plans B and C.
I can always improve my relationship skills and I'm deliberate about doing so. The way I relate to my wife is one aspect of those skills.
You are either so much better at it (given) and/or your wife is more amenable to working with you. My H is not so much. And even if I could find the “just right all the time” way to work with him, it’s simply too much effort. It’s not that effort is not worth it. It’s that I’ve tried (mostly incorrectly) for so long and he’s never better. One behavior may improve, but the dysregulation just reappears elsewhere. It’s just not what I want. I have tried and tried, as best I knew how, and I want some peace and enjoyment in my life before I’m too old to appreciate it.
I do have friends that I can "say anything to" / "lay it out there without a lot of thought" and I can trust they will guide me through whatever mess I just dumped out.
Agree. I don’t behave like an out of control person. Just enough people that aren’t bristled by every last thing. And, are open to communication.
We’ve had no less than 10-12 “episodes” the last few days. It’s just ridiculous and quite frankly, unacceptable. I didn’t get riled. Did my own thing. Just tired and bored with it all.
I acquiesced to his direction on house, cars, etc. I believed his motives were as pure as mine. They weren’t. Maybe not his fault, but now I choose differently.
Same with my P. I can remove filter and...
Sadly my wife is not that kind of person. Correction: My wife is not consistently that kind of person.
There are times she is spot on/helpful. There are "other" times. She insists that "i should let my Mom do whatever she wants...because she is old." (just ignore bad behavior, pretend it's not there)
This is so true. For a long time my H was mostly fine. It was easier to write off as a minor blip. It grew...out of control. I think that’s one reason I’m always worried about the line moving. I can see it from the other side.
My H CAN make great decisions and is really smart. It’s confusing. But he’s Lex Luther — using his abilities for N bad. I know he can’t help it. It’s taken a while for me to settle with that. I have to remind myself A LOT. But I also realize I can choose something else.
Right...and of course my wife would love me to extend that standard to her...
Oh...not to argue/compare.
How many jobs/job offers has your husband destroyed for you? 3-4, always “just looking out for me”
How many family relationships has he severed? All of them — I allowed it though
How many personal relationships? 5ish, I don’t let him around my friends ever anymore
How many business projects (real estate) has he torpedoed? Ha, none. I’m not that fancy.
I could put a substantial number on each of those questions. That was "back in the day" and I certainly unwittingly contributed to some of this.
Neither of us are the same people we were several years ago.
Clarity: Do I have the marriage I "want"? Nope. Is it reasonable to assume I will eventually get that? (No it's not).
I've come to terms with this and I'm picking from the "available choices".
Big picture for you: You seem to be peeking around the curtain and are understandably distressed.
This is going to take time to sort out what is possible/probable.
Please be extra kind to yourself today!
Best,
FF
Thanks FF. I feel him getting antsy about my new job. Lots of negative comments about a job that has a decent to high salary, full benefits, retirement, vacation, bonuses. If he tries to disrupt, it will speed up my exit. I’m hoping I can keep him at bay. Ugh.
Thanks for your help and sticking with me.
