She keeps recycling me but I've had enough..

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I posted here about my LDR months ago but since then she came back and recycled me multiple times. Each time to a lesser degree. The first time it was like nothing had changed. The second we were like friends who just couldn't resist eachother. The third we were just friends with the occasional lapse from her. The fourth and final time she came back we did not even feel like friends.

As we are long distance we spend most of our time together playing a game (world of warcraft), which is where we met.

I was always her star player in WoW, but now she wouldn't invite me to run hard dungeons, convinced that I was somehow bad. I'm objectively very good at the game, and we we're always a team even when we weren't officially together. I just felt so devalued. I always fought for her in this game ever since I've known her. I always stuck up for her when people called her bad and helped her improve. I never said a bad thing about her or gave up on her because I genuinely believe she has talent. Eventually our work pays off and she starts to realise her talent, getting ahead of me a little big, and shortly after I'm kicked to the curb. I know things are different between us now but they weren't bad. We still had very intimate talks. I know I'm the one she comes to to talk to about private things, and we spend a lot of time doing less challenging stuff in the game together. But we were always a team when it came to this, and she ditched me.

I tried to be ok with this, but it was just eating away at me constantly. I felt so devalued. I felt like the game had become everything to her now and she was putting it above our friendship. She never had a shortage of good things to say about me but now I'm suddenly a liability?

I really could not get my head around this. We had a big conversation about expectations, and how she couldn't fulfill mine. I mean, she has been guilty of leading me on in the past, but all I wanted here was to be included by my friend and team mate, after we had both worked so hard to get to this point in the game together, as a team. I wasn't asking her to love me, or visit me, or spend 24/7 with me, or anything like that. I just wanted to be given my deserved value.

I said I couldn't get over this because it felt like a betrayal of our friendship. She said she needs me to get my emotional in check and then I can talk to her again when I'm ready. She kept saying variations  of "come talk to me again" even though I gave her no impression that this was something I could come to terms with. She has always been 10x more critical of me than of anyone else, but she always comes round and apologises and floods me with compliments, but this time just feels different like she actually believes I am a bad player, and hence a bad person (we spend most of our time together playing so her value of me as a player is correlated to her value of me as a person). Seems like the final nail to me.

I know it's like our 4th time of cutting contact and she wasn't even my girlfriend anymore (although I was her closest person since she is not dating), but it still hurts so much. Thanks for reading.

[cosmical]

I posted here about my LDR months ago but since then she came back and recycled me multiple times. Each time to a lesser degree. The first time it was like nothing had changed. The second we were like friends who just couldn't resist eachother. The third we were just friends with the occasional lapse from her. The fourth and final time she came back we did not even feel like friends.

As we are long distance we spend most of our time together playing a game (world of warcraft), which is where we met.

I was always her star player in WoW, but now she wouldn't invite me to run hard dungeons, convinced that I was somehow bad. I'm objectively very good at the game, and we we're always a team even when we weren't officially together. I just felt so devalued. I always fought for her in this game ever since I've known her. I always stuck up for her when people called her bad and helped her improve. I never said a bad thing about her or gave up on her because I genuinely believe she has talent. Eventually our work pays off and she starts to realise her talent, getting ahead of me a little big, and shortly after I'm kicked to the curb. I know things are different between us now but they weren't bad. We still had very intimate talks. I know I'm the one she comes to to talk to about private things, and we spend a lot of time doing less challenging stuff in the game together. But we were always a team when it came to this, and she ditched me.

I tried to be ok with this, but it was just eating away at me constantly. I felt so devalued. I felt like the game had become everything to her now and she was putting it above our friendship. She never had a shortage of good things to say about me but now I'm suddenly a liability?

I really could not get my head around this. We had a big conversation about expectations, and how she couldn't fulfill mine. I mean, she has been guilty of leading me on in the past, but all I wanted here was to be included by my friend and team mate, after we had both worked so hard to get to this point in the game together, as a team. I wasn't asking her to love me, or visit me, or spend 24/7 with me, or anything like that. I just wanted to be given my deserved value.

I said I couldn't get over this because it felt like a betrayal of our friendship. She said she needs me to get my emotional in check and then I can talk to her again when I'm ready. She kept saying variations  of "come talk to me again" even though I gave her no impression that this was something I could come to terms with. She has always been 10x more critical of me than of anyone else, but she always comes round and apologises and floods me with compliments, but this time just feels different like she actually believes I am a bad player, and hence a bad person (we spend most of our time together playing so her value of me as a player is correlated to her value of me as a person). Seems like the final nail to me.

I know it's like our 4th time of cutting contact and she wasn't even my girlfriend anymore (although I was her closest person since she is not dating), but it still hurts so much. Thanks for reading.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey cosmical, Only you know when it's time to get off the roller coaster.  Are you ready to get off or are you interested in another ride?  It's your call, my friend.

LuckyJim

[cosmical]

Hey cosmical, Only you know when it's time to get off the roller coaster.  Are you ready to get off or are you interested in another ride?  It's your call, my friend.

LuckyJim

Well it appears that decision has been made for me.

We had a surprisingly calm conversation today, where she explained that the real reason she wasn't including me is because she was worried I would get jealous over other people in her group. She said we were just friends and my expectations were going to cause drama. I mean, this has happened before but not recently, so I'm not completely satisfied with this answer, but it does make some sense. She is aware that she is guilty of leading me on at times, and then I feel like we're getting back together and then I get hurt/jealous when she places her attention somewhere else.

The whole friends situation is just not working. I clearly have not gotten over her, no thanks to her dropping constant hints that we could be back together. I'm not a jealous person by nature but when she is hinting at rekindling one day and then goes ice cold the next, it leaves my emotions in turmoil.

I really can't handle just being her friend. It would kill me to be aware of her seeing someone else. Anyone who has dated a BPD will know that they leave you with vivid, intense memories from the beginning of the relationship where everything is perfect, and as much as I want to I can't just set these aside and be content with "friends".

She said she was really sorry to lose a friend and told me she was sorry it didn't work out and that I made her very happy when we were together. She said to contact her again if I ever wanted to be just friends but I don't think I can. I have been her "just friend" before (immediately after our first breakup) and it just feels like talking to a different person.

So I guess this is the end of the ride. I'm sad but I'm not angry anymore, which is a good thing I suppose. Maybe I can finally get closure although there is a voice in the back of my head telling me she will reach out again someday. Really can't decide if I want her to or not.

[cosmical]

She said she was really sorry to lose a friend and told me she was sorry it didn't work out and that I made her very happy when we were together. She said to contact her again if I ever wanted to be just friends but I don't think I can.

Well I was kinda happy that we parted on good terms but she messaged me today just to blame me for something new (I left my guild in an attempt to help me detatch from WoW and also her, and apparently my guild leader kicked some of her old characters that she doesn't even play anymore). She said I had managed to drag her into drama yet again. I just explained that I was doing what I needed to do to detatch and I didn't bring her into anything (she hates the guild btw and only has some old characters left there because she hasn't got round to server transferring them yet - I know she gives zero f*cks about this). She said she knows I still have her email and not to try contacting her, and to have a nice life (aka f off). I said I don't understand why she feels the need to blame me but ok and she blocks me.

Feeling really sad about this. Thought we could part with fond memories of eachother but she finds a reason to paint me black. I thought I was doing well today but that has really upset me.

This really caught me off guard seemed like she didn't givemuch of a crap about me the last few weeks, was happy to let me go and then hits me with this rage block out of nowhere?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey cosmical, It's all part of the BPD cycle, I'm afraid, which is why your best plan is to detach and disengage.  It's hard, I know.  I have a saying, "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."  In other words, don't take the stuff she says to heart.  Instead, let it go.  Move on.  Get back to who you are at your core.  Strive to be authentic.  You get the idea.

LJ

[ct21218]

What struck me in your posts was your choice of words - 'she recycled me'.  You are in charge of your own choices and actions, she certainly can't recycle you against your will.  That said, you can make the decision to detach from her and find something more stable in your life.  I certainly wouldn't want a relationship that is subject to the whims of the other party.

[once removed]

if you want a friendship...

I felt like the game had become everything to her now and she was putting it above our friendship.

is it possible you are both doing this?

[cosmical]

Hey cosmical, It's all part of the BPD cycle, I'm afraid, which is why your best plan is to detach and disengage.  It's hard, I know.  I have a saying, "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."  In other words, don't take the stuff she says to heart.  Instead, let it go.  Move on.  Get back to who you are at your core.  Strive to be authentic.  You get the idea.

What struck me in your posts was your choice of words - 'she recycled me'.  You are in charge of your own choices and actions, she certainly can't recycle you against your will.

You are both right. At this point I have seen the cycle repeat enough times to know what to expect. I really wanted to believe that betterment was possible but I'm just not emotionally strong enough to cope with the rollercoaster.

if you want a friendship...

is it possible you are both doing this?

I wasn't after a friendship.. I thought we we're rebuilding from a foundation of friends based on the hints she kept dropping. If she was clear from the start that she just wanted to be friends then I wouldn't have let myself get so involved again. But she came on so strong it had me fooled.

Either way, it's more about what the game represents than the game itself. It's something we worked for together... a joint accomplishment. It's like we spent a year building a giant house of cards and then she asks someone else to come place the final card for her. It's both the fact that she suddenly doesn't trust me to place the card and also that she doesn't see any reason why it would hurt me. Feels like a huge slap in the face. Then I either stew on these feelings or I bring it up and get chastized for making a mountain out of a molehill. She just wants me around where it suits her, to do things together when it suits her, with no consideration of how it affects me.

I really tried to sit on these feelings and give her time, just see what happens etc, but it just made me bitter and resentful of her.

[once removed]

i guess what im getting at is being friends after a breakup is hard.

being anything more than polite acquaintances is pretty rare.

im pretty good friends with an ex who put me through the wringer, but our relationship looks completely different than anything it ever looked like. there are no expectations. we are not a priority in each others lives, whatsoever. we chat online every couple of months, i see her at her halloween party, and thats it.

It's something we worked for together... a joint accomplishment. It's like we spent a year building a giant house of cards and then she asks someone else to come place the final card for her. It's both the fact that she suddenly doesn't trust me to place the card and also that she doesn't see any reason why it would hurt me. Feels like a huge slap in the face. Then I either stew on these feelings or I bring it up and get chastized for making a mountain out of a molehill. She just wants me around where it suits her, to do things together when it suits her, with no consideration of how it affects me.

I really tried to sit on these feelings and give her time, just see what happens etc, but it just made me bitter and resentful of her.

the two of you may have different, competing ideas of what a friendship between the two of you looks like.

what do you think?