Working through divorce with child

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Pretty sure my wife is going to go through with our divorce (she has initiated actions in the past, but never got this far in terms of getting papers signed).  I am okay with a divorce because of the abuse I have experienced, but am concerned about post-divorce issues.  I have stayed in the relationship in order to protect my son who is now 13. I will no longer be able to fully protect my son from my wife’s BPD symptoms & behaviors.  I’m also concerned that my wife will have difficulty fully letting me go, especially if I ever get into another relationship much further down the road.  It’s been a 19 year roller-coaster.

[Overcoming]

Pretty sure my wife is going to go through with our divorce (she has initiated actions in the past, but never got this far in terms of getting papers signed).  I am okay with a divorce because of the abuse I have experienced, but am concerned about post-divorce issues.  I have stayed in the relationship in order to protect my son who is now 13. I will no longer be able to fully protect my son from my wife’s BPD symptoms & behaviors.  I’m also concerned that my wife will have difficulty fully letting me go, especially if I ever get into another relationship much further down the road.  It’s been a 19 year roller-coaster.

[kells76]

Hi Overcoming, nice to virtually "meet" you 

You're in the right place for talking through your fears that your stbxW (soon to be ex-wife) won't "let go" like a typical person, and your concerns that your son will be exposed to her dysfunction even more.

Few questions as we start talking together...

Do you have a lawyer? Does your stbxW?

How's your relationship with your son? How about him and his mom?

Do you and/or your son have a counselor or therapist?

Looking forward to talking and problem solving more...

kells76

[worriedStepmom]

I'm sorry you are having to go through this, but I'm glad you're here.

Are there any specific post-divorce issues that you are worried about?

I have a stepdaughter (SD13) whose mom is uBPD.  It has been very good for SD13 to have a safe space at our house.  We validate her feelings, give unconditional love, and, in general, show her how parents and kids are supposed to interact.  (She also sees the healthy relationship that H and I have with each other, and the cooperation between my ex and I over our biokids.) 

Her mother constantly bad-mouths my H, me and SD's therapist.  We never say anything bad about mom. For us, this means that SD13 is more attached to my H than her mom.  In other families, the alienation is more insidious and has a greater effect on the kids.

[ForeverDad]

I have stayed in the relationship in order to protect my son who is now 13. I will no longer be able to fully protect my son from my wife’s BPD symptoms & behaviors.

Ponder whether you are fully protecting your son now.  I assume you work, go shopping or do other activities where your son has been left in your spouse's care, right?  So actually you're not fully protecting him, hmm?  Yes, you have the best of intentions but this is not a perfect world.

So ponder what benefits divorce provides.  Besides you being able to unwind the marital relationship, you will also be able to establish a separate home, one where your son can be 100% protected in whatever time scheduled for you as father.

An additional benefit for your son is that he will be able to discern the difference between your home (stable and functional) and his mother's home (unstable and dysfunctional).

Hmm, do you perceive that the future with a divorce is not nearly so bleak as you had imagined?  Sure, it's not what you wanted but it is "less bad" than you feared.

[livednlearned]

Pretty sure my wife is going to go through with our divorce

Anything in particular seem to spark this particular attempt to divorce?

Hope you're hanging in there ok.

Even if divorce is something you accept, it sucks to be on the verge of it 

[Overcoming]

Wow!  Thanks to all who replied and your thoughtfulness.  Luckily my wife is self aware enough of her mental illnesses for us to have set up an amicable divorce.  She has BPD, bipolar, some narcissism, anxiety, depression.  We are able to only need one atty.  Everything will be 50/50.  I agree with another’s post that having 50% of a safe/controlled home is now likely better than having my son witness verbal tirades against me.  He is very smart and very close to me so luckily we can have rather adult conversations when my wife reacts unexpectedly or goes into rage.  I’ve read a lot, been through some therapy and have learned to not feed the illness; however, one cannot completely avoid it as you all know.  My hope is that she will be able to respect boundaries that I will be setting  So far I have confidence I will be able to hold to what I set.  I’ve already started small like not answering a call or text until it fits my schedule.   I will start looking for a place to live when we have court date set.  Even in the midst of this, I am thankful for what I have in life, and truly appreciate your support.  There are definitely times when I start to feel crazy, so it is helpful to know many others like yourselves have or are going through similar challenges.  I feel for all of you as well.

[Overcoming]

Oh, and no my son nor I have a therapist at this point.  I will definitely start if I become overwhelmed and/or will get my son started if I detect changes in his behavior.  We talk a lot, but he will definitely need some 3rd party therapy at some point in his life.  My son has a pretty good relationship with his Mom.  She has never attacked him, but has had reactions to things he says such that he will look at me for confirmation that something just happened that does not make sense.  Usually sometime after the conversation between he and his mom is over, I will pull him aside and explain.  The trick is also not have him get into a position of walking on eggshells.  At some point soon, I will have him read the book “Stop walking on eggshells”; very good book.

[ForeverDad]

You're approaching things as though being fair will make everything work out well.  Maybe the discord in your marriage is mild enough to permit that.  Generally we have to be more "on guard" and proactive.

You mentioned 50/50 as though it's an optimal figure.  But people with acting out PDs are too often so entitled and controlling that seemingly equitable deals leave them still in control.  For example, joint custody and 50/50... When parents disagree, who decides?  Does it have to go back to court?  Or would one of you be the Primary Parent and the other the Non-Primary Parent?  If one or the other of you moves away, which parent's school will your child attend?  I ask because you may some day end up having to follow your spouse to who knows wherever she has moved.

As I wrote above, it would be nice if there was little disagreement between the two of you, but you can't be sure of that.  That's why your sense of fairness, perhaps Gifting Away too much parenting authority, could sabotage your parenting in some way.  Do you have William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

[livednlearned]

am concerned about post-divorce issues

What are the issues that most concern you?

[turtleengine501]

I get exactly how you feel. Knowing that you won't be there to protect them is a bitter pill to swallow. My 14 year old has even said in moments of anger that I have abandoned them to deal with their dad on their own. I just keep pushing forward knowing that I have set up a home that is full of peace for them when they are with me.

Counseling would be good for your son. My daughters' counselor, while not explicitly stating my H has BPD, has taught the girls about patterns of behavior and how they should address them with him. They get that his behavior is not ok, nor typical of fathers.

Best of luck to you, doing this with children is gut-wrenching but we have to trust things will come out better on the other side.