Mother with BPD agreed to therapy

[Penelope7122019]

After 9 months and a total of 5 emails being the sum of our communication. She finally agreed to see a therapist.

 In my last email I was very open and honest letting her know I was not ok with her treatment and that our relationship needed to evolve to one with mutual respect. I expected to be met with dismissal and the normal “if i am so horrible why not disown me altogether” or some other guilt propagating comment. But she actually responded with “there is enough miscommunication for us to benefit from a third party, how do you want to proceed”

So I appreciate that she agreed to what I was asking for, but the delivery is so cold. And I still feel so angry with her, I don’t want to just go back and have things revert to the way they were. Her accusing me of abandoning her and just nasty comments all the time. It always how everyone else treats her there’s never any self introspection.

Anyhow, I guess now I find a therapist...

[zachira]

That is great that your mother has agreed to therapy. Do you have any ideas about what kind of therapy and therapist you are looking for?

[Penelope7122019]

No, that’s where I’m stuck. I don’t know what to start looking into. Do you have any suggestions?

[zachira]

Can you tell us more about how BPD affects your mother? DBT is the recommended therapy for the most dysfunctional people with BPD, though not considered to be that effective with higher functioning people with BPD.

[Penelope7122019]

She has a lot of insecurity and it is heightened in social settings in which the focus isn’t on her. When she doesn’t feel included because she isn’t the center of the conversation she will seclude herself - if at home in her bedroom but if not in a place where she can seclude herself she just become hostile. With statements like “well no one cares what I have to say”. And overall making the conversation moving forward very uncomfortable. She has only ever been diagnosed with manic depression, it’s only after my own research that I think she really has BPD. She has huge abandonment issues and pretty much controls our relationship through guilt.

 But I don’t think I said in my first post, she agreed to go to therapy with me to work on our relationship instead of agreeing to go to therapy for herself. I would prefer if she went on her own to work through her own self...but seeing how she doesn’t see anything wrong beyond what she is categorizing as normal grief after my dad died I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

I guess I still feel reluctant in setting It up because I’m not sure if she will be truly invested in the process. So I don’t want to devote time and money if she is not actually willing to really participate in the process. I guess I don’t know until we try but man the short email response where she said “There is enough miscommunication for us to benefit from a third party, how do you want to proceed?” just seems cold and distant. And almost like saying well if I must... But may be I’m letting my own past trauma influence my interpretation. I don’t know... there is no aspect of her life that hasn’t been strategic especially when it comes to conflict.

[Methuen]

I have a couple of thoughts I would like to jump in with - hoping thats ok.

I fully understand your reservations about her not being invested in the process.

Her response does seem cold, which could be a yellow flag.  

Personally, I’ve learned to live by The creed “I’ll believe it when I see it”.  

Regarding how to proceed with finding a therapist:

- are you assuming you will pay for this, or can you share the cost with her?  If she is not willing to share the cost for both of you to attend (Assuming you would both benefit from an improved relationship), then perhaps she isn’t as invested as she needs to be for therapy to be helpful.  If you pay the whole shot, she can sabatoge, and then blame you, right?  I don’t think she would plan this, but when she hears things she doesn’t like in therapy, sabatoge could be the unplanned result.

- I started by googling for licensed therapists that had good standing in their  professional body. (Ie they have membership in a regulated professional organization)

- from that list I further googled which ones included BPD in the disorders they treat

- then I phoned and spoke personally to two of them about my situation.  I picked the one that demonstrated she understood my situation and put forth some preliminary ideas for How she could move forward with me.  We had pre-arranged the phone conversation.  She didn’t rush me on the phone.I felt a good connection with her over the phone.

- perhaps try to find a therapist that will see you each separately first.  That way you can each say what needs to be said freely, and alone with the therapist.  That way s/he has the honest picture before bringing you together for a session.  What do you think of this idea?.

- if your mom won’t agree to share the cost,  it might give pause for consideration as to how to proceed.

Not sure if these ideas will be helpful or not, but I thought I would share.

- my mom has refused counselling throughout her life.  So now I get the T for myself, to learn new skills for how to manage with her.  T, together with this site and forum, have helped me move forward.

[Penelope7122019]

Hi Methuen, thanks for jumping in, really appreciate the insight.

I was assuming I was going to pay for this only because I was the one who pointed out that it may be necessary to repair our relationship. And I don’t think she thinks it is necessary or needed. But I think you’re right, a good way to gauge whether she is invested in the process is if she is willing to also financially invest. And there is less risk of her knowingly sabotaging.

Is it bad that I have really been enjoying the freedom I’ve had for these past months by not having to speak to her? The guilt of not speaking to her has finally started to subside, and I have been able to have more honest and open relationships with other family members. Before if I was reaching out to other family she would always make me feel guilty, with comments like “why are they reaching out to you and not me” or “nice they love you but they don’t love me” as if it is my fault. Sorry tangent but I guess I’m realizing there is more to my reluctance than just concerned about her overall investment in this process.

Last note worth mentioning, my mother is also a therapist. A therapist who doesn’t see how therapy would be beneficial for herself or us... the irony ...

[Methuen]

Is it bad that I have really been enjoying the freedom I’ve had for these past months by not having to speak to her?

Definitely not bad!  How can it be bad to enjoy freedom?  It is completely rational to spend our time with positive people, and people who make us feel good about ourselves.  And it is also rational to spend less time with people who hurt us or make us feel unsafe.

The guilt of not speaking to her has finally started to subside, and I have been able to have more honest and open relationships with other family members.

Good for you.   The more you do this, and the longer you do it for, the more normal it will start to feel.  This has been my experience as I emotionally detached (with care) from my mother.  We still have a relationship, and I still support her to live independently (she's 84), but I am no longer a slave to making her feel better emotionally.  I feel my own feelings now, and let her figure out how to feel hers, on her own.  She pushes back, but I am healthy enough (and strong enough) now, to manage those behaviors, so far...

Last note worth mentioning, my mother is also a therapist.

I'm not surprised by this.  Speaking to professionals within the mental health field, I have heard that it is not uncommon for people in this field have their own issues.