Hi everyone,
Hoping you are all staying well during these quarantine times. Through beginning therapy I was only recently introduced to the notion that my estranged mother probably has BPD. I am trying to heal from the past and determine if I can ever have a relationship with my mother again that isn't damaging to me, but I am not very hopeful because she has never been willing to apologize or take any accountability for her behavior, respect any boundaries, or stop malicious attacks against me and my family. I have never spoken to any other children of BPD parents and I was wondering if any of you can relate to what I have been through or have any insight on how I can heal and try to forgive my mother.
It is difficult to summarize, but I will try. My earliest memories are of her breaking things, making my sibling and I help her break our dad's things, throwing things at my dad, throwing things out the door, taking off, and taking off with my sibling and I so my dad wouldn't know where we were. She constantly fell out with my other family members (father, grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.), demanded loyalty from me, and persecuted me endlessly when I asked to stay neutral. My now brainwashed/codependent adult sibling, who has never had a normal life or significant other and still lives with her, did not get the brunt of her bad behavior because she always went along with what my mom wanted. I did because I would not turn against my other family members.
Throughout life, my mother subjected me to hours of raging, verbal abuse in an inhuman voice (which included every vulgar and demeaning name you can think of, as well as reminders that nobody liked me, my family didn't love me, no man would ever want to be with me, and her life would have been better if she never had me), and occasional physical abuse (i.e. hitting, clawing, grabbing me by the throat). She also locked me outside by myself on many occasions. She physically attacked my dad in front of me a number of times, even grabbing the wheel from him in a rage when he drove us in the car.
There was a revolving door of adults in my life, because in addition to severing ties with her own family, my mom had a long string of failed friendships in which she would see and talk to a person constantly, become disillusioned with them (usually over a minor perceived slight), and the friendship would either terminate with her blowing at at them or them deliberately distancing themselves from her. She held fiercely onto a delusion that she was an amazing/the best mother and wife which gave her an unchecked sense of entitlement. She demanded constant praise and worship, even physically destroyed gifts that she felt weren't good/expensive enough for her, and was routinely abusive to people in the service industry. She unfortunately also displayed hermit characteristics and would not allow me a normal childhood-- apart from school, I was only able to see other kids my age 2-5 a year. After school activities, overnight field trips, and summer camps were out of the question. She would become hostile and irrational every time I even asked to see another child outside of school. I developed a reputation in school for having an unstable mother. I felt like a prisoner in my own home and like she enjoyed tormenting me and was trying everything she could to break me. For many years I laid awake at night with many years of minority ahead of me, wondering how I was ever going to make it out of her house with my soul.
Fighting her tirelessly every step of the way, I managed to get my education out of state, move out, become financially independent, and get married. I had to learn how to be an autonomous adult and form healthy relationships all on my own. My father eventually found the courage to leave her. Mom never stopped her controlling and abusive behavior, interfered intrusively and negatively in all my romantic relationships, and acted resentful and suspicious of all my accomplishments instead of expressing any happiness for me. She also continued to put overwhelming burdens upon me regarding her vendettas against my other family members and her emotional estate, including her suicidal thoughts, and even repeatedly contacted me while I was at work threatening suicide. My many efforts to respectfully draw boundaries usually resulted in her demeaning me and screaming at me in public.
Unfortunately about a year ago it came to a breaking point for me and I had to cut ties for my own mental health and my marriage. While she has never stopped attempting to contact me, she is doing what she has always done when I tell her she has hurt me, which is refuse to take any accountability or apologize, blame me and demand apologies from me, and endlessly try to manipulate the situation (this time, by continuing to badmouth me to others and influence my sibling not to see me until I relent).
Friends, I have spent my life feeling existentially exhausted, at times devastatingly isolated, bewildered, and outraged at her atrocious behavior, as well as a despair I cannot put into words. To this day, I live with nightmares of her, exaggerated startle reflexes, and constant memories of her terrifying, oppressive, and horrendous actions. Despite having made many strides, I live with feelings of not deserving anything positive, being different than my age contemporaries, and having been cheated out of a proper childhood and growth and academic opportunities. I do not know how to "process" profound sadness I have never not felt. I know my mother is likely sick, but it is hard for me not to see her as evil when she has destroyed my family, caused me so much suffering, and never shown a drop of remorse. I know she will probably never be sorry for the hurt she has caused but I struggle to accept this. Nonetheless, I have guilt for cutting her off when I know she is already very lonely and unhappy.
I know the past cannot be changed but I hope to get to a place where I can have a happy life without feeling so burdened by all of this on a daily basis. Thank you in advance for any insights you can offer
