Been years/2 part/Happiness/BPD contact right out of playbook/ Thoughts?

[LimboFL]

Hello BPD family,

It has been a long time since I was on this site that I credit for helping through a miserable 4 year relationship with a queen/waif/narc woman and an even worse year detaching.

It's been three years and boom, right out of the BPD playbook, a text "Hi, how are you?". I would be lying if it didn't send a shudder through me (I was speaking with my wife at the time it came in).

She isn't in my contacts (for good reason) but I recognized the number.

I admit that over the years, I have caught her popping into my head while in the shower or driving, which results in an internal barrage of disgust in myself for allowing her to invade my soul and how grateful I am that she cheated on me, as it gave me the strength to bolt.

Before I ask the question that I believe I already know the answer to... I never thought that I would be on BPD Family ever again but her text made me think of this wonderful forum so I thought that I should take advantage of this new development to offer some words to those of you who are suffering.

No need to explain my story with my BPD short of saying that, thank God, I have no ties to her in anyway. Never knew her before nor do we have kids. She hit me right after a divorce (surprise) and the nightmare began.

Despite some hick ups after the break up, which is natural, I took a year to myself to repair. Moments of tremendous pain and difficulty, disbelief that I allowed myself to get pulled into such a mess and confusion as to why I wanted her back so badly. BPD Family, of course, provide all of the reasoned answers that I needed. Thank you BPD Family.

6 months or so, after the year of repair, I found the most beautiful wonderful woman that I could ever imagine. The exact opposite of my BPD gf. Kind, patient, loving and so so much more.

I am whole and happy, despite the world being in the turmoil that it has been in since the pandemic. We support each other, joke, smile, love etc. Most importantly, though, is that we are normal. Some little fights but otherwise, just normal. Normal is wonderful!

In short, while I have absolutely been where some of you have been, you absolutely need to know that, if you do everything you need to do to heal and make YOU the best person you can be, happiness is awaiting you on the other side.

Living in pain doesn't hurt your ex, it only hurts you.

Detachment is the hardest part but it is the only way, regardless of what kind of relationship you have with that ex. It is, of course, so much easier for those of us who are able to completely detach (no strings attached) and that, those of you who do have strings attached (kids) must contend with all kinds of horrible behavior that prevents you from reaching full happiness and worse, hurts your children. Regardless and especially if you have kids, your inner strength is critical to moving forward and that requires, at least, emotional detachment. You WILL be able to be there for your children as soon as they get old enough to decide for themselves and THEY WILL see!

I do not want to harp on my happiness because I didn't come here to hurt anyone or make them feel worse. Life still throws crap at you, so no one ever glides through without obstacles but suffering on account of someone you have no control over does you no good at all.

You can get through this and you can rebuild. You can find happiness again and feel loved again.

Rest assured that, when that happens, you will never take it for granted again. You will be grateful and you will want to work to keep it (although it should never be work that you lament).

OK, now I am going to put my question out there. As mentioned, after 3 years, my ex BPD has texted me. We have actually been apart for 5 years and she did reach out once, asking how my son (who she mistreated) and I were doing. I wasn't rude but rather cold. She got the message.

Note that I am a very kind and humane person. I suffered badly in the FOG, so when I say "they" it really is a result of the abuse they inflict. I know that their condition(s) are in large part due to having been horribly damaged in childhood and this hurts me but I wasn't dealing with the child, I was dealing with a self aware human who abused me horribly when all I did was try to love and help her. I know that their behavior is very difficult to control so I do not say this flippantly but in the end I was the target so, sorry, they don't get a pass.

It really is amazing how text book "they" are. Three years, no rhyme or reason to it but a sudden communication out of nowhere. Amazing! This should be an alert to anyone out there doubting how there are patterns, no matter how unique your ex might be.

Just writing here has shed the flash in the pan mild anxiety that I have been feeling since last night but I will still seek the wise council of BPD family members. Do I respond or not?

If I did respond it would start with a "sorry don't recognize the number" to ensure that she knows that she is not in my contacts. If she responded with "its ####", I would wait a short while and say "I am not sure why you would be reaching out. I am doing as well as can be expected, given the pandemic. Happily married, fortunately still employed, son doing very well etc. I hope the same for you. However, I really don't see any point in communicating. We weren't friends back then and therefore not friends now. Stay safe out there!"

I will admit that there is an immature vindictiveness built into the above. My concern is that simply blowing the text off might give her the impression that I might still care or be hurt. That maybe I have changed numbers and didn't get the text which might leave her with a belief that, if she did reach me, I might care.

I essentially want to confirm that I got it and respond so that she knows that I couldn't care less about her or hearing from her (without delivering the message with the venom that I would like).

Even if no one engages on the question in this post, my main purpose for coming back here was to hopefully offer some strong words of encouragement to those of you hurting so badly now. It is a long, painful, journey which isn't fair after all of the suffering that we went through while in the relationship.

While petty, I know, I find comfort knowing that the loser who came after me and whom I believe is still with her (I didn't know him) is suffering as I did. She was violent and abusive with the cunning of a snake. He knew I was with her so I have zero empathy for him. Just desserts and all that.

Not only can you be happy but you can also count on the new person suffering just as you did.

I don't have proof but they don't suddenly change after being with you. They aren't suddenly cured and skipping with joy in their new lives. It just doesn't work that way. It wasn't you, it is them!

They are broken (irreparably)! How they got that way is horribly sad but you didn't cause it and can't fix them and, even with therapy, they ultimately will never be able to fix themselves.

They simply jump to a fresh person who will suffer just as you have. Their survival and stability relies on having someone to beat up on (misery loves company). Nothing that you can do, ever, will change that. So you need to fight to rebuild your own strength, not fight to try and fix their shortcomings. Find yourselves again!

I do hope that this message gets to the people who need it most.   If you made it through this, thank you for listening and big hug to anyone who could use one.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Limbo-

I’m really heartened to read all of the upsides of your post and am so glad you’ve found a good love following your healing.

Now to the text and your thoughts...

What would your wife think? Feel? Say?

PwBPD traits can twist any and all communication and you sure as heck don’t want anything you do to be misconstrued, and thrown at your W by your ex, do you?  So maybe show your wife the text and ask her?  I take it you deleted the number well before you met your wife.

OR - or ignore, block the number and call it a day.  At this point you’ll get nowhere looking in THAT review mirror.  You already know that road.  Maybe you just need to hear this.  That’s what I did.  When you want no communication, you don’t provide details on your life, you stay quiet.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Football2000]

Thanks for writing. I would never respond to something like that. If I put myself in your place, I would think I've already been through enough trauma, don't need to hear about more.

Thanks for writing about happiness at the end of the tunnel. Right now, I just don't think it's possible for me even. I've been through tough times before and I always knew I could get through it. Somehow, this time is different.

I mean, the previous tough times in my life I understood the situations on an emotional and intellectual level. Now I have intellectual understanding, but not emotional. It's different. I don't know how to get through that.

[Marianne-11]

Hi Limbo,

thank you so much for writing! I am in the middle of divorce and while I have been doing a bit better recently, right now it's been a tough couple of days emotionally due to my ex behaving like such a victim and his unbelievable blaming. My days are always so much better when I don't have to be in touch with him, but because we have two kids, I have to at times.

Long story short; he has been diagnosed with BPD but after he quit his weekly therapy, BPD behavior came into the picture again. These days he thinks there is nothing wrong with him other than me being a terrible person. You refer to text book behavior, and he is certainly like that as well with all the blaming, cheating, lies, manipulation, bursts of anger, black and white thinking - you name it...

Anyhow, it's been a few months since he has moved out and the beginning was just the hardest time I've ever experienced. Even if I was the one who asked him to move out. It still is not easy in any way, but thanks to the support here and therapy, I am feeling a bit better/stronger. And I now understand better that I need to focus on my own healing instead of him.

My friends tell me to go out on dates, but I really don't feel like I want to or have the strength to.  I think it will take a long time before I can say I have healed after this relationship. I've also had my doubts if that will ever be the case, but stories like yours give me hope. I am so happy for you!

Regarding to your question, I was thinking if it is best to just not answer and not let your ex disturb your peace and happiness?

Thank you again for sharing and wish you all the best in the future as well!

[LimboFL]

Hi Gemsforeyes. You are correct. I was already leaning in that direction but your response helped solidify the decision. Why bother? Nothing but a waste of time and energy. Text has been deleted. Thank you!

Football2000, Thank you as well. You too have helped.

It is critical to know that the intellectual knowledge is absolutely critical to the process. It is the starting gun. Many have no idea what is happening in their marriages and relationships. I have actually led a couple of people to at least explore this site to see if they find any parallels to what they are experiencing. I am not an expert but having been to this rodeo, I know the signs. One isn't enough but if I am given several then I am left with few other conclusions. Naturally, my desire is to help.

Contending with the emotional part of this is, as you know, a monumental challenge. I went through it by myself, with the help of BPD Family, so I know.

If you were with your partner for any length of time, the damage that is inflicted goes far deeper than you recognize at the time. I am a very strong person and believed that I could brush off her abuse but they are masters at twisting everything to the point where you question if you were at fault that YOU are subpar! Standard fare for them.

This buries DEEP into ones psyche. My road was long and hard. LOTS of tears. I lived, have a boy that I share custody with my ex wife with. I functioned but at the core, I was damaged.

However, all of the negotiating that you are doing with yourself, all of the thinking and all of the pain will produce results. You will come out of it. It is completely natural for the emotional part to take far longer, so just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You have to force it and fight it. It will be in your time but it will happen. Lack of faith and confusion are absolutely normal as you tear yourself out of the FOG that has its claws in you.

Use the intellectual understanding to your advantage. Your brain will be what saves and repairs your heart. 

Marianne-11, I am so sorry that you are in the middle of this and have two kids suffering too. I can't even fathom.

However, they are what you need to keep you strong. They need you and you need them. They are your reason to get better.

You are at such a delicate stage of the process. Right now, without expressing it to anyone but yourself, you need to get angry. Whether that is screaming in the shower or getting a punching bag, you need to push out all of those emotions.

The more angry you get (not at your ex, his friends etc) internally, the stronger you will become and the more you will realize that you aren't to blame. The more you realize that you aren't to blame, the more that your ex's playing victim becomes numb to you.

The key is to never show him that you no longer care. You need to act like you care (within reason) or become neutral but most importantly you need to have constant internal conversations with yourself, even in the middle of it, and talk your way out of feeling any guilt. When he is trying to pull his PLEASE READ (internal conversation)"I don't need you, you never really cared for me, you cannot control me, I am communicating with you because I love my children and want to protect them. You wasted years of my life and aren't worth it. I am stronger than you!" Every single time you are in his presence. Let him play the victim. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, least of all him. You need to be the adult but that doesn't mean that you have to allow it to infect you.

All of the above is easier said than done but...

Your friends, while well meaning, are dead wrong about dating. This is not the answer!

They see it as a way for you to escape but this isn't what you need. You need to find yourself again and this takes solitude.

You need to be by yourself to let go of the emotions. I took an entire year for me. Lots of tears, lots of disbelief but what happened besides the healing was the realization that I didn't need anyone (except my son but this is about love not dependence). I was ok by myself, even if I was bored or lonely.

Until you find yourself and find that comfort/security with just being by yourself, you won't find the love you deserve. Even if the dating is just casual, you won't be fit for it. You won't be able to have fun but rather you will spend the entire time thinking about your situation and, worse, will feel completely weird. You are in an extremely hurt and vulnerable position right now. Insecure and full of uncertainty. Now is the time to rebuild yourself up. When the time is right, you will know and that process of dating and finding a new love will be the pleasure that it is supposed to and will be.

If you enjoyed something before your ex, look at it again. Doesn't matter what it was. Even if you just watch some youtube videos on the subject to build some enthusiasm about it. Distractions, even if brief.

Again you are smack in the middle of a heartbreaking journey but do anything you can set a deadline for yourself, a date where you are going to focus exclusively on yourself. If not an entire day, a few hours. You are chipping away at a huge boulder of pain and emotions. You might chip away at that boulder with a fork and not even so much as a spec of dust off that rock, at the beginning, but you will have at least begun the process.

The more you chip away at it, the bigger your tool with become and the bigger the pieces of the rock that will fall off until you eventually end up with that last little pebble that you can just flick away. You have two beautiful children who need your strength.

You will make it through it, you will come out stronger and wiser, I promise!

Huge hug!

Thank you guys, very much for engaging. Such a great group here.

[Marianne-11]

Thank you Limbo for the support and wise words, I really needed them  . I am so glad I came here today to read your post.

I feel that after so many years (14) of focusing on my ex's needs and trying to make sense and survive his toxic and damaging behavior, I've lost myself and it's time to find out who I am again. And most importantly, be the loving, stable and caring parent for my kids, no matter what comes.

Everything you say resonates so well with me. And solitude feels like the right way to continue from here. I just can't imagine how I could make a real connection emotionally with anyone right now in the middle of all this, that it is just better to take the time to heal, as long as it takes.

Please take care and know that your words and advice have really helped a lot, big hugs to you as well 

[LimboFL]

Marianne-11 - I am very happy that I was able to help, in whatever small way. It's going to be a tough ride but you will get through it. Unless you are 14 years old, you had a life before your ex and you will after. =) Stay strong!