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Author Topic: Weird Question??? Do BPDer's have a need for punishment???  (Read 89 times)
Masang M
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« on: August 01, 2020, 09:47:14 AM »

I know the question is odd and I don't know if what is happening is because of DID or BPD but here is the recent scenario;
Last night hBPD made dinner, used a seasoning mix that make me ill, he did not do it on purpose, this I know for a fact. I asked which seasoning he used, I said oh remember I can't use that one. He felt bad, I didn't react in anyway just shrugged it off and ate dinner, I thought it was done. He detached and started the ignoring cycle, later I mentioned how he was acting he determined it was my lack of reaction and was bothered by the fact that I didn't "punish" him by screaming at him for making the mistake.
This seems to be a common issue, he feels bad about something, tries to put me in the position of punisher then devalues if I don't punish. Devalues if I do get upset. UGH!!!!!! I feel I'm damned if I do damned if I don't.
If anyone else experiences this, how do you handle it?
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Football2000
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« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2020, 10:48:27 AM »

Hmm, I have actually experienced something like this.

I don't know if this is correct or applies to all situations, but I have a theory about it. Firstly, one of the primary features of BPD is a unstable sense of self that is often accompanied by low self-esteem. I think people with BPD often then see a situation like the dinner and their own sense of wrongdoing (using the wrong seasoning mix) takes over their mind.

Then, your lack of a strong reaction (what might be typical for someone with BPD) actually feels cold to them. I think this actually brings up feelings of possible rejection in them, or at least confusion as people with BPD have a hard time imagining the typical "choose your battles" calmer mentality of most individuals.

One possible way to handle is to increase the detail and depth of the conversation you have about the seasoning. Explicitly you could say something like "I know you did not do this on purpose. I had this reaction to the food, which was a little uncomfortable, but not terribly so. I appreciate that you tried to make us dinner, and it's okay about the seasoning." In terms of dialog, you could also ask your husband how he felt about using the seasoning, and validate his emotions, thereby letting some steam out of the valve of his ruminative mind.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #2 on: August 01, 2020, 06:34:25 PM »

It sounds like he's replaying a script from his childhood. What do you know about his upbringing?
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« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2020, 06:46:27 PM »

I know the question is odd and I don't know if what is happening is because of DID or BPD but here is the recent scenario;
Last night hBPD made dinner, used a seasoning mix that make me ill, he did not do it on purpose, this I know for a fact. I asked which seasoning he used, I said oh remember I can't use that one. He felt bad, I didn't react in anyway just shrugged it off and ate dinner, I thought it was done. He detached and started the ignoring cycle, later I mentioned how he was acting he determined it was my lack of reaction and was bothered by the fact that I didn't "punish" him by screaming at him for making the mistake.
This seems to be a common issue, he feels bad about something, tries to put me in the position of punisher then devalues if I don't punish. Devalues if I do get upset. UGH!!!!!! I feel I'm damned if I do damned if I don't.
If anyone else experiences this, how do you handle it?

What Cat said.  Google "introjection" and you've got it. In fact, I would say that BPD doesn't cause "the need for punishment" but rather the opposite.

Rev
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Masang M
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« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2020, 07:55:23 PM »

Thank you all!
@Football2000, we did have a more in-depth talk but it only kinda let the steam out. But He is aware of this now so hopefully it will improve.

@Cat Familar, I have known him for over 30 years and know all of his history, it is very likely a replay from childhood.

@Rev, I will google introjection as soon as I am done typing.

The feedback helps!
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