Wife (most likely) has BPD - feel like I'm banging my head against wall

[Jay1972]

Hello to everyone,
I've been reading about bpd for about a year now. I found out about it after an internet search to find help dealing with my wife's erratic temper tantrums and mood swings. Found a bpd information site and after reading testimony from partners of bpd people I came to realise I could have been reading stories from my own life.

My wife exhibits most of the 'checklist' behaviours except for the more extreme impulsive/destructive ones, so from what I understand she would be described as high functioning. Up to that point I could not understand what was going on with her. After learning about bpd I understand more but it is still very hard to cope. Of course she won't acknowledge her part in anything and it is all my fault...

Not sure what I'm asking. She has many really good qualities and I love her but I'm just having a hard time coping with this monster that lurks under the surface. Lately the monster has been rearing up far more frequently and nothing I do seems to make a difference. Even if I seem to do well with it on one day the next day I'm back to square one.

Appreciate any advice.

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[Football2000]

Can you tell us some examples of interactions? For example, does your wife have triggers? Some specific topics that might make her go into a rage episode?

Those are the types of interactions you will typically have to master, by which I mean learn techniques that will help you minimize escalation of that situation. Sometimes, it means not defending, but rather validating and then simply stating some of your own needs. Validation is important also, but in my experience validation has an easy way of going too far: i.e. agreeing to defuse the situation.

If your wife is getting worse, is there something that recently happened that is making it worse? Some situation that she might resent and consequently hold onto that resentment?

[Jay1972]

Part of why she is getting worse would be our six year old son - who inhabits his own special world of emotional rollercoasters...
He is actually a pretty special child (in the good future world leader sense), but he is hell-bent on experiencing the widest possible array of emotional states. She has a very hard time dealing with him, gets set off into a mood at the slightest provocation.

With me there are a range of what I suppose are the classic situations. She subjects me to the splitting thing quite a lot. Arguments, or even regular level-headed discussions about a topic, are hard because she sees any subject in black and white and will not accept my point of view. I often simply resort to validating her feelings/thoughts just to get out of the dead-end of constant antagonism.

There are a few specific behaviours that trigger her that I try to avoid, but often the triggers are inconsistent: something will trigger her one day but will be completely overlooked on another. Which seems to point to the trigger being more of an internal thing for her.

Her anger is more of a silent time-bomb (more like atom bomb) type thing, which I think might be worse than violent outbursts. The term 'walking on eggshells' doesn't even begin to describe being subjected to one of her episodes.

Getting her to discuss her own feelings is near impossible. At some point she simply shuts down and puts up a mental wall to me. Even if I seem to make some headway with her the next day she might just (metaphorically) upend whatever we built up onto the floor and we start over... Of course it is all my fault it happened.

I have tried to take the approach of being her 'rock' so to speak. I constantly affirm my love for her and my commitment to the marriage, but of course it never satisfies her own feelings.

and tomorrow we start again etc...