Reprocessing trauma and feelings

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm at a point in therapy where I have dealt with some of the "low hanging fruit" around my BPDmom.  I've put some boundaries in place and she has mostly accepted them.  The next crisis is always looming, but overall I feel I'm doing better than I was 6 months ago, when I was absolutely falling apart under the stress of dealing with her. 

My T has suggested that to get through the next stages of healing, and hopefully address my chronic, underlying anxiety, I need to reprocess some of the difficult memories, feelings and traumas of my childhood.  I think he's right.  We talked about ways to go about it, so I have a couple of ideas.  But I was wondering if anyone has gone through this and what types of things did you do to reprocess this stuff?  Write/tell your story? Cry a lot? Meditate?

I've done some therapy in the past, and I've always stopped before getting into the deeper stuff.  I'd address the immediate problem, feel better, and go on with life.  But I know I've sold myself short, walked away too soon, and limited my healing in the process.  I'm finally at a point in my life in my mid 40s that I want more out of life, to be emotionally healthy on a deeper level.  I am ready to do the work, I'm just a little lost on figuring out what the work actually looks like. 

 

[Mata]

I'm at a point in therapy where I have dealt with some of the "low hanging fruit" around my BPDmom.  I've put some boundaries in place and she has mostly accepted them.  The next crisis is always looming, but overall I feel I'm doing better than I was 6 months ago, when I was absolutely falling apart under the stress of dealing with her. 

My T has suggested that to get through the next stages of healing, and hopefully address my chronic, underlying anxiety, I need to reprocess some of the difficult memories, feelings and traumas of my childhood.  I think he's right.  We talked about ways to go about it, so I have a couple of ideas.  But I was wondering if anyone has gone through this and what types of things did you do to reprocess this stuff?  Write/tell your story? Cry a lot? Meditate?

I've done some therapy in the past, and I've always stopped before getting into the deeper stuff.  I'd address the immediate problem, feel better, and go on with life.  But I know I've sold myself short, walked away too soon, and limited my healing in the process.  I'm finally at a point in my life in my mid 40s that I want more out of life, to be emotionally healthy on a deeper level.  I am ready to do the work, I'm just a little lost on figuring out what the work actually looks like. 

 

[Goldcrest]

I've done some therapy in the past, and I've always stopped before getting into the deeper stuff.  I'd address the immediate problem, feel better, and go on with life.  But I know I've sold myself short, walked away too soon, and limited my healing in the process.  I'm finally at a point in my life in my mid 40s that I want more out of life, to be emotionally healthy on a deeper level.  I am ready to do the work, I'm just a little lost on figuring out what the work actually looks like. 

Mata, I think sometimes you do have to stop therapy and get on with life because the work of therapy can become exhausting. I have had periods in and periods out of therapy. In my case I felt like the therapy was a big purge and being out in life was the processing. When I ended therapy each time there would be an upswing in my life and I would get on with it with more energy but then after time I would find myself processing what we had discuss. Stuff would surface and I would sit with it against the backdrop of real life - if that makes sense.

In my case therapy tears down my defences and my anxiety skyrockets whilst in it, I cry. I can spend session after session absolutely racked with grief. My experience was always that of a child that was missing a parent, like the feeling you have as a small child when you have been abandoned somewhere. Or the feeling you get when you lose a pet you have loved very much. After a while I have to step out of therapy and let the defences rise back up because I am so tired. I then return when I feel I have a reserve of energy built up to work again.

Everyone is different so perhaps try different ways of reprocessing. Are their particular memories or images that follow you about, repeatedly surface? Are there particular events that trigger you to become very anxious?

 

[JNChell]

All of the ideas and advice that you listed are good. The thing is is that it can take time. Don’t rush it. Take your time with your feelings. Know what I mean? Grieving and healing is a back and forth process that shouldn’t be rushed. I’m 43, and just now learning this. I’ve submerged myself into activities and what not, but it’s been hard to stick to the routine. I’m trying to move on too fast. The routines don’t stick.

If you like your therapist, try to slow him down. There is nothing wrong with having some control in your sessions. In a positive way, of course. Are you having anxiety over talking about these things with him?

The work is mostly done by us as individuals. Depending on how toxic the situation/s were, we often need help from others.

What happened during your childhood?

[zachira]

You are thinking about possibly reprocessing some of your memories in therapy. There are different schools of though these days about whether it is healthy or not to revisist traumatic memories particularly if the person becomes too overwhelmed. Also there are memories that are preverbal, occuring when we were too young to have any kind of verbal narrative about what happened. I found EMDR enormously helpful in healing, and am contemplating doing it again. EMDR helps to put traumatic memories in normal files, so you have control over them, and are not plagued by flashbacks and nightmares.

[JNChell]

It’s fair to be able to revisit everything. It’s a human right.

[Merv_Griffin]

Mata, I get it. I'm in a similar place trying to process trauma from childhood, and am eager to find a way through. Like Zachira suggests, I'm interested in EMDR treatment. I've also been curious about Ketamine infusions for depression/anxiety; I tried one once for a separate issue (chronic migraine), and it was a fascinating experience: one where I actually felt I was re-visiting moments from my childhood in a really nurturing, healing way. I'm a mother myself now, and could suddenly see myself as a child and feel great compassion and kindness toward that little girl who so needed stable, steady love from a mom (the kind I'm so proud to be able to provide my own kids).The challenge is that it's costly and requires paying out of pocket. I wonder if you have looked into it, or if anyone else here has tried this kind of treatment?

[Harri]

Hi Mata.

I have been in trauma therapy and made quite a lot of progress without EMDR.  I just mention this so you know there are other options.  For me it meant learning to be okay with being uncomfortable, often extremely uncomfortable, with my feelings and knowing and accepting that I would probably feel worse before I felt better.  Knowing it was a normal part of the process or healing to not leave the therapy office/session feeling better. 

As for how, it involved talk therapy with my T and learning grounding techniques to help me stay centered and present.  Prior to trauma therapy, I reached the point where I was dissociating and having panic attacks so often that they had become a normal part of my day.  I did not even know they were happening really or was at least unable to label it.  Therapy changed that for me.

Other things I have done over the years is writing, art work, physical activity when I could and focusing on mindfulness which also helped me stay centered and present. 

I also had no idea of what therapy was 'supposed to look like' really (though my T told me it is supposed to look like however I want it to look-- ).  I read some books about it, usually from people who wrote of their own experience.  The best one was recommended by a former mod here: 
Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder  Reading of the work she did and about her relationship with her therapist was extremely helpful.  I am not and have never been diagnosed with BPD but I do have traits (how could I not have learned behaviors?) and am diagnosed with c-PTSD which is very similar to BPD. 

Anyway, sorry for the ramble.

I wish you the very best on digging deep.  It is tough and sometimes brutal work but it is worth it and the discomfort is temporary.  I used this board in conjunction with therapy too.  This is a great place to talk.  I did not post to have a discussion so much as to work things out, never imagining people would walk along side me but they did time and again.

 

[Mata]

In my case therapy tears down my defences and my anxiety skyrockets whilst in it, I cry. I can spend session after session absolutely racked with grief. My experience was always that of a child that was missing a parent, like the feeling you have as a small child when you have been abandoned somewhere. Or the feeling you get when you lose a pet you have loved very much. After a while I have to step out of therapy and let the defences rise back up because I am so tired. I then return when I feel I have a reserve of energy built up to work again.

Everyone is different so perhaps try different ways of reprocessing. Are their particular memories or images that follow you about, repeatedly surface? Are there particular events that trigger you to become very anxious?

It is interesting to hear about your experience with therapy.  I tend to get less emotional and more analytical.  But I'm an over-thinker by nature.     I feel like I have a chronic low-level of anxiety all the time and it's hard to relax.  I feel like I'm carrying this emotional weight around, but I'm not entirely certain what it is.    I think you are right, my plan is to experiment a bit and see what happens.
 

[Mata]

All of the ideas and advice that you listed are good. The thing is is that it can take time. Don’t rush it. Take your time with your feelings. Know what I mean? Grieving and healing is a back and forth process that shouldn’t be rushed. I’m 43, and just now learning this. I’ve submerged myself into activities and what not, but it’s been hard to stick to the routine. I’m trying to move on too fast. The routines don’t stick.

If you like your therapist, try to slow him down. There is nothing wrong with having some control in your sessions. In a positive way, of course. Are you having anxiety over talking about these things with him?

My T also tells me to slow down, that this takes time.     I'm just being impatient.  But I understand that moving too fast is counterproductive.  I don't really have anxiety talking to my T.  In the past, I've held back in therapy, but this time I have been really open and honest.

What happened during your childhood?

It's hard to answer that.  On one hand, a lot.  I grew up with chronic emotional abuse and neglect, in a volatile, violent household.  My mom has BPD and bipolar.  My dad is an alcoholic.  They were not good parents.  On the other hand, the violence in my home was not directed at me.  I wasn't physically or sexually abused, and there were happy points in my childhood.     

[Mata]

I found EMDR enormously helpful in healing, and am contemplating doing it again. EMDR helps to put traumatic memories in normal files, so you have control over them, and are not plagued by flashbacks and nightmares.

I am curious about EMDR, thanks for the reminder to look into it. 

[Mata]

Mata, I get it. I'm in a similar place trying to process trauma from childhood, and am eager to find a way through. Like Zachira suggests, I'm interested in EMDR treatment. I've also been curious about Ketamine infusions for depression/anxiety; I tried one once for a separate issue (chronic migraine), and it was a fascinating experience: one where I actually felt I was re-visiting moments from my childhood in a really nurturing, healing way. I'm a mother myself now, and could suddenly see myself as a child and feel great compassion and kindness toward that little girl who so needed stable, steady love from a mom (the kind I'm so proud to be able to provide my own kids).The challenge is that it's costly and requires paying out of pocket. I wonder if you have looked into it, or if anyone else here has tried this kind of treatment?

Interesting, that's a new one to me.  I'll have to look into it. 

[Mata]

Anyway, sorry for the ramble.

Please, no apologies!  Thank your for your thoughts and sharing your experience, it's really helpful!

[curious quandary]

Mata,

I'm finally at a point in my life in my mid 40s that I want more out of life, to be emotionally healthy on a deeper level.  I am ready to do the work.

I am proud of you for taking this step and look forward to hearing more as you walk down this path.

We talked about ways to go about it, so I have a couple of ideas.

What are those ideas? There are a lot of good suggestions here too. Do any resonate with you? I find that I don't have too many specific memories that I can process, just anxiety/emotional flashbacks when I'm triggered. I find it's hard to heal from them when I don't understand why I'm feeling the way I do. I do find that writing helps. I read somewhere that you can write like you're having a conversation with yourself. I think it's called "mirroring." Start with the question "what do you need most right now?" and for every answer reiterate part of your response back in the form of a question. It's a way to draw yourself out.

My mom has BPD and bipolar.  My dad is an alcoholic.  They were not good parents.  On the other hand, the violence in my home was not directed at me.  I wasn't physically or sexually abused, and there were happy points in my childhood.

Are you sure we're not related? I have a hard time feeling like I had a traumatic childhood, but the way I behave now (hypervigilant, armored, constantly reading body language, etc.) and my reactions to things suggest otherwise. Anyway you're not alone. I'm at a similar point in trying to heal and your courage is inspiring. If sharing your story helps, I'm here to listen. 

[JNChell]

Who was the abuse directed at? Obviously everyone. But having to watch is also abusive. What did you have to see? I hope that I’m not laying too much on you.

My dad was an alcoholic and a narcissist. A man child. I thought my mom had BPD until I learned that she was very co-dependent on my dad. My mom was the most hostile. She could flip out at any time and beat. My dad did the really bad stuff. My mom would sit there and take it. I’d ask for her help and I’d be left alone to deal with my dad. I understand where you’re coming from. It’s the dynamic.

My sister is a psychologist, and still feels guilt over our household dynamics.

[Mata]

What are those ideas? There are a lot of good suggestions here too. Do any resonate with you? I find that I don't have too many specific memories that I can process, just anxiety/emotional flashbacks when I'm triggered. I find it's hard to heal from them when I don't understand why I'm feeling the way I do. I do find that writing helps. I read somewhere that you can write like you're having a conversation with yourself. I think it's called "mirroring." Start with the question "what do you need most right now?" and for every answer reiterate part of your response back in the form of a question. It's a way to draw yourself out.

I think I'm going to try writing. I do a lot of writing for work, so I'm comfortable with it.  I want to be intentional about it though.  I need to set aside some time, alone.  I don't think this is going to be fun or particularly relaxing writing.  Mirroring sounds like an interesting experiment.  I may try telling stories in the third person, I think that could bring out some different insights.
 
I have a lot of very vivid memories of places, sounds, smells, people, timelines, etc.  I can close my eyes and walk through my childhood house room by room.  I an describe the colors of the furniture, pictures on the walls, etc.  But the emotions that go along with my visual memories are more muted and tucked away.       

Are you sure we're not related? I have a hard time feeling like I had a traumatic childhood, but the way I behave now (hypervigilant, armored, constantly reading body language, etc.) and my reactions to things suggest otherwise. Anyway you're not alone. I'm at a similar point in trying to heal and your courage is inspiring. If sharing your story helps, I'm here to listen. 

  Until I started therapy last fall, I did not consider my childhood traumatic.  My T talks about big "T" trauma and "t" trauma, and I see it now.  It's actually been distressing to admit to myself that I did experience trauma and emotional abuse.   I wanted to believe that I rose above a hard childhood and came out unscathed.   (hello denial!  )   And then last fall, after my mom moved to my town, she emotionally flattened me, again.  I felt like a little kid all over.  I was lost and hurting and realized that something was super wrong and I had to find a way to change.  Then about two months ago, my dad emotionally trampled me, out of the blue.  And my eyes got opened a little wider to recognizing that my parents' behavior is part of an ongoing pattern of emotional abuse. 

[Mata]

Who was the abuse directed at? Obviously everyone. But having to watch is also abusive. What did you have to see? I hope that I’m not laying too much on you.

No, not too much.  My mom was very suicidal during my childhood.  Sometimes she would run out of the house with a shotgun, shouting obscenities at my dad and me. Or she would speed off in the car saying she was going to drive off the mountain.  (There was a steep mountain road just outside of town). I would sit up all night watching for headlights on our street like a hawk, hoping they were her car.  I often worried about coming home from school and finding her body.  After I moved away for college, she slit her wrists in front of my little sister, but survived.  My dad traveled for work a lot.  When he was home, he was drunk or high and would beat my mom.  She locked him out of the house one time, and he broke out all the windows on the front of our house.  He literally bit her ear off one night.  I called the police several times, because I thought he was going to kill her.  He would end up in jail, I'd get the blame.  When I was very small maybe 3 or 4, I remember jumping on her lap when he was hitting her so that he would stop.

       
My dad was an alcoholic and a narcissist. A man child. I thought my mom had BPD until I learned that she was very co-dependent on my dad. My mom was the most hostile. She could flip out at any time and beat. My dad did the really bad stuff. My mom would sit there and take it. I’d ask for her help and I’d be left alone to deal with my dad. I understand where you’re coming from. It’s the dynamic.

Yep, two immature, sick people, who were totally unequipped to handle parenthood, and who brought out each other's worst qualities was a bad bad dynamic.  Honestly, I'm shocked my parents survived their marriage.  They divorced 20 years ago or so.   

[JNChell]

Holy PLEASE READ! I just finished reading your story.

[JNChell]

It’s gonna take a while. I imagine that you’re feeling wild anger right now. Quite honestly, I’m glad that you found this place.

Or, I could be very wrong and a stupid boy. Which is it?

[JNChell]

have a lot of very vivid memories of places, sounds, smells, people, timelines, etc.  I can close my eyes and walk through my childhood house room by room.  I an describe the colors of the furniture, pictures on the walls, etc.  But the emotions that go along with my visual memories are more muted and tucked away.       


You have a deep sense of your feelings and memories. I should’ve paid attention a little better.

[JNChell]

What feelings and emotions do you want to talk about? For real. The shift I have leaves me open. Seriously, you found a good place:

[JNChell]

What about those feelings and colors?

[JNChell]

I remember seeing yellow when my mom beat me with a board. My walls were yellow. I would try to block the board with my hands, but my knuckles would have feathers.

Those feelings and colors. I wish that I could hug you right now and take you for a walk around the little town that I live in.

My parents should’ve divorced. Not sure it would’ve been better. I just remember the screaming. My mom’s voice. Not because she was hurt, just because she was screaming.

[JNChell]

I’m sorry that you had to see that. What a PLEASE READty way to treat a child and raise a brain.

[JNChell]

Well, would you like to talk more? I won’t leave you hanging.

[Methuen]

My T has suggested that to get through the next stages of healing, and hopefully address my chronic, underlying anxiety, I need to reprocess some of the difficult memories, feelings and traumas of my childhood... We talked about ways to go about it... But I was wondering if anyone has gone through this and what types of things did you do to reprocess this stuff?  Write/tell your story? Cry a lot? Meditate?

First let me say I am sorry for the emotional pain you experienced.  The things you shared in your story are rough Mata.  Lots to process there.  My experiences were very different than yours.  But, to use your expression, I've also sort of dealt also with the "low hanging fruit".  Crying yes.  I also had a screaming bout when I was alone in my car at night where nobody could see or hear me (a remote road without traffic  ).  Perhaps it wasn't the best situation to let it all out but I was on my way to spend the night at my mom's because the hospital had discharged her without an after care plan, leaving the responsibility with me to stay with her (I lost my voice for a few days over that one), but honestly letting it out was really really good. I was not "fit" or in a "place" emotionally where I could be overnight at her house, and I was ANGRY at the doctors/hospital for forcing me into that situation.  It was a worst case scenario.  Finding a safe way to "let it all out" can be therapeutic.  A deserted house or forest might be a better place than a road whilst driving to let it all out though... After I was back home (after staying at my mom's), my scream session felt cathartic.  Honestly - I don't think holding it in or stuffing it would have been helpful for me or my H!   Like you, I have spent a lot of time at a computer, so a project I have started is to write my story.  I write a chapter per "event".  I don't have a plan to do anything with the story.  It's just for me - my truth.  It's just my way to "process".    I wrote my first chapter about 2 months ago.  I'll get to the next chapter when I'm ready.  Who knows when that will be.  I'm trying to do my writing in a way that reflects my innocence at the time, and get inside the "mind" of myself at each particular age, and tell the story from that perspective.  I don't want it to be a rant, but more of a "revelation".  Journalling may be more appealing for some people. For people who aren't writers, but may be artists, sketching or painting could also be a way to "process".  Or maybe clay, or construction, or metal art?  I've also taken up yoga.  I wasn't really the yoga type   (for anyone who knew me), but I tried it, and discovered it has a LOT of merit (helps with flexibility as well as mindfulness).  I don't do any crazy yoga pretzel stuff.  For those that do, they're the gurus of yoga.  I'm just a "normal" yoga-ist.  Just the nice slow breathing poses for me.  It's super centering and calming. I do a ton of reading.  I'm having trouble keeping up with my reading club books, because I always have a book on the go about BPD or related.  My next book is "The Body Knows the Score" (thanks Zachira), hence the yoga (to deal with body pain issues).  I've taken up a new hobby (to explore, get messy, be creative, have fun, and maybe build some confidence - I believe this process of learning a new hobby can also help us to process.  I talk to my T, so talk therapy I guess.  I also try to be physically active as much as possible, especially when I'm in a negative frame of mind, because for me that re-channels the negative energy into positive energy and releases endorphins which make me feel better, and I think I do a better job of "processing" when I'm not in a really negative frame of mind.  If you saw me you could see that I would make a really lousy boxer, so I stick to outdoor activities in nature as much as possible.  I also spend a lot of time on this forum, which helps me to process.  Finally, I think the therapy we do can kind of change and morph as we go, and as we grow, and as our needs change.  Honestly, I think therapy could be different for everyone.  It's just a matter of trying things, and figuring out what works for each of us.    

I'm not sure if that's helpful, or what you're looking for Mata.  Whatever you try, I wish you well on the journey, and peace in the present and future  

[JNChell]

I’m sorry for my constant questions and comments. Sometimes I just go. I’m trying to be patient and work on that. I don’t mean to seam like I’m pushing. I just go on sometimes and that doesn’t help you. I apologize.

[curious quandary]

I have a lot of very vivid memories of places, sounds, smells, people, timelines, etc.  I can close my eyes and walk through my childhood house room by room.  I can describe the colors of the furniture, pictures on the walls, etc.  But the emotions that go along with my visual memories are more muted and tucked away.

Maybe you could start with that. Write about all of the fine details of a certain location and see where that takes you. You may gain enough momentum to start unlocking feelings. If you start with a traumatic event your defense mechanisms may kick into high gear.

My T talks about big "T" trauma and "t" trauma, and I see it now.  It's actually been distressing to admit to myself that I did experience trauma and emotional abuse. I wanted to believe that I rose above a hard childhood and came out unscathed.

Yes my T has mentioned something similar as well. Being a geek I like to think it's sort of like material fatigue damage. Bend a paperclip too much a couple of times and you can snap it in two ("T").  Or tiny stresses over a long period of time to something like an airplane ("t") can cause something to fail as well. That makes it easier for me to accept I guess, although I'm still clinging to denial a good part of the time.

I don't think anyone here has come out unscathed. Maybe accepting our scars makes us "more real," authentic, compassionate, interesting, stronger, etc. I have no idea but it feels better to believe that.

Wow, you have gone through some difficult  ! I can't imagine. My heart goes out to you. But you're here with people who support you and you're making progress. This shows considerable strength. Take it slowly. I know it's hard. I am trying to rush the process as well. I think "let's get this healing nonsense over with and get on with life." It doesn't work like that though.

Methuen, those are great suggestions!

This isn't practical during covid but, I will add that I've found martial arts to be very cathartic as well. It's a way to take out your frustrations in a friendly environment.

[Mata]

Holy PLEASE READ! I just finished reading your story.

I struggle with judging my childhood experience, so this response was actually really validating.   Thanks.

My parents should’ve divorced. Not sure it would’ve been better. I just remember the screaming. My mom’s voice. Not because she was hurt, just because she was screaming.

I wanted mine to divorce as soon as I was old enough to understand what divorce was.  I remember thinking, "you mean my parents don't have to live together?  yes do that!"  I even remember wondering if I could divorce them.   I don't actually know if it would have made things better... they would have been different for sure, but probably just a different shade of bad.  My mom is a lousy judge of character, I can only imagine she would have exposed me to worse men than my dad. 

I remember the screaming too, so much, all the time.  My mom had had to have surgery on her vocal cords from all her yelling.  She doesn't full-on scream like that anymore.  But she still gets loud, and has a very mean, edgy tone to her voice, when she's disregulating.  I can't stand it.  My brother describes it as her being possessed, and that's a good description.  It makes me physically ill.  My dad is a screamer too. 

It’s gonna take a while. I imagine that you’re feeling wild anger right now. Quite honestly, I’m glad that you found this place.

The wild anger has subsided.  When I was younger, I was full of pent up rage.  I used to scream and yell and throw things.  I felt out of control a lot in my teens and early 20s.  For sure, I'm still angry now, but it's different.  I'm in control, and can keep myself out of the red-zone.  Lifting weights and doing martial arts has helped a ton with focusing that negative energy in a healthier way.         

[Mata]

I'm not sure if that's helpful, or what you're looking for Mata.  Whatever you try, I wish you well on the journey, and peace in the present and future  

Thank you!  It is helpful!   

[Mata]

Maybe you could start with that. Write about all of the fine details of a certain location and see where that takes you. You may gain enough momentum to start unlocking feelings. If you start with a traumatic event your defense mechanisms may kick into high gear.

 
This is a good idea, will tuck it away for when I sit down to write. 

 

I think "let's get this healing nonsense over with and get on with life." It doesn't work like that though.

Are you in my head?   I have had the same thought!  Patience is HARD.

This isn't practical during covid but, I will add that I've found martial arts to be very cathartic as well. It's a way to take out your frustrations in a friendly environment.

Oh yes, for sure!  I practice jiu jitsu and miss it tremendously.  I have a punching bag in my  basement, and have found it is a good outlet for work stress.  Maybe I ought to think about some childhood memories and then go hit my bag.  hmm...   

[JNChell]

Have you listened to the “Jocko Podcast”?

[Mata]

Have you listened to the “Jocko Podcast”?

A few times. I don't really listen to podcasts very often.

[JNChell]

Give it shot. Jocko is good. Retired SEAL with very good insight.

[Mata]

I took some time off work this week, and went up in the mountains to clear my head and try and de-stress a bit.  While up there, I was thinking about the whole re-processing trauma issue, and the thought occurred to me that one of my obstacles is that I am still falling into a caretaker role with my mom.  I find it difficult to revisit my childhood experiences and emotions, while at the same time feeling a responsibility to take care of my mom.  I think that the more I work on relinquishing the caretaker role, the more emotional space will open for me to work on my own inner issues.  At least, that's what I'm hoping. 

 

[JNChell]

Getting out in nature is a great way to combat the stress. I’m going out tomorrow to help my friend set up his tree stand for deer season. It’s a beautiful area and I’m looking forward to it. It’s kind of like this for me personally. Maybe you can relate. Being out in those big and wide open spaces can provide perspective. Kind of like it can make things that seem very big and negative in our lives, look a bit smaller even if only for a little while. At least we have that time to breathe and feel better.

I understand that you’re feeling a little torn between caring for your mom and having trouble with your past. Maybe you’ve just described what the real battle is? You might feel obligated to your mother which is understandable. On the other hand you may want to resolve and heal from your past which is also understandable. It’s almost like those two obligations trump each other. Like if you pick one path you’d be leaving the other path. Does that make sense? Maybe the internal conflict is causing you harm.

[Mata]

Getting out in nature is a great way to combat the stress. I’m going out tomorrow to help my friend set up his tree stand for deer season. It’s a beautiful area and I’m looking forward to it. It’s kind of like this for me personally. Maybe you can relate. Being out in those big and wide open spaces can provide perspective. Kind of like it can make things that seem very big and negative in our lives, look a bit smaller even if only for a little while. At least we have that time to breathe and feel better.

Yep, the mountains always reset my perspective.  Enjoy your day tomorrow! 

I understand that you’re feeling a little torn between caring for your mom and having trouble with your past. Maybe you’ve just described what the real battle is? You might feel obligated to your mother which is understandable. On the other hand you may want to resolve and heal from your past which is also understandable. It’s almost like those two obligations trump each other. Like if you pick one path you’d be leaving the other path. Does that make sense? Maybe the internal conflict is causing you harm.

Yes, makes total sense.  You've summed it up nicely.  I think the internal conflict is keeping me stuck, which is harmful.  I think it was a break through of sorts for me to realize this. 

[JNChell]

Right on. Will you keep us posted on how things are going for you?

[Mata]

Right on. Will you keep us posted on how things are going for you?

Will do.

[Methuen]

I was thinking about the whole re-processing trauma issue, and the thought occurred to me that one of my obstacles is that I am still falling into a caretaker role with my mom.  I find it difficult to revisit my childhood experiences and emotions, while at the same time feeling a responsibility to take care of my mom.  I think that the more I work on relinquishing the caretaker role, the more emotional space will open for me to work on my own inner issues.

I can relate to this Mata.  I'm an only child living in the same town as my 84 yr old frail mom, and her only family within 800 miles, therefore the responsibility of dealing with her life needs and events falls on me.

What has worked for me is a slow withdrawal of contact, and only supporting her with actual needs that she cannot do herself.  She is physically unable to mow her lawn, so H does that.  During Covid, I did her grocery shop.  I drive her to get her eye shots for macular degeneration because she is not allowed to drive herself home afterwards.  She also wants me to do the things she doesn't want to do, such as phone with a service provider problem such as her cell phone, or changing a bill payment etc.  But when she implies she needs someone to do that (i.e. me), I remind her that she can still do that.  My litmus test for how much support I give her is "is she able to this herself" rather than "does she want to do this herself.  There  was a lot of FOG in the beginning.  A year later, she has adjusted, and last week she was so proud of herself for accomplishing a problem solving task (with a phone service provider), that she actually reminded me of the pride a small child feels after accomplishing something for the first time in their young life.

Meanwhile, because I feel more differentiated from my mom than I ever have, and have more autonomy in my life, I am less stressed, and I also have had more time to look after myself and do a lot of the "processing" you mentioned you are wanting to do.

I love nature too.  Trees mountains lakes birds and fresh air.  Amazing.

I finally figured out that if we just do everything for them because they manipulate (FOG) us into meeting all their needs, we're effectively training them to be dependent on us.  It's kind of a two-way trap, that most of us have fallen into, and are desperately trying to figure out how to get out of.

Dunno if this resonates or not for your situation.

[Mata]

What has worked for me is a slow withdrawal of contact, and only supporting her with actual needs that she cannot do herself.  She is physically unable to mow her lawn, so H does that.  During Covid, I did her grocery shop.  I drive her to get her eye shots for macular degeneration because she is not allowed to drive herself home afterwards.  She also wants me to do the things she doesn't want to do, such as phone with a service provider problem such as her cell phone, or changing a bill payment etc.  But when she implies she needs someone to do that (i.e. me), I remind her that she can still do that.  My litmus test for how much support I give her is "is she able to this herself" rather than "does she want to do this herself.  There  was a lot of FOG in the beginning.  A year later, she has adjusted, and last week she was so proud of herself for accomplishing a problem solving task (with a phone service provider), that she actually reminded me of the pride a small child feels after accomplishing something for the first time in their young life.

I've been doing the slow withdrawal of contact.  Covid has helped with that, actually, since I can't visit her apartment.  I like your litmus test.  I get myself into trouble doing too much because there are some things she can't do, things she can do, and a whole lot I think I can do better than she can.  I kinda get lost in that middle area.  I keep telling myself the middle area is where I need to let go, and let her live with the consequences of her decisions.  I was able to do this much better when I lived 800 miles away.  If moving far away again was an option for me, I probably would.  But I'm pretty settled in my town, and unfortunately she moved here.  I feel like selling my house and finding a new job (when I love my current one) just to escape my mom is unreasonable. 

Meanwhile, because I feel more differentiated from my mom than I ever have, and have more autonomy in my life, I am less stressed, and I also have had more time to look after myself and do a lot of the "processing" you mentioned you are wanting to do.

This is great, and makes me feel hopeful.

[Methuen]

I get myself into trouble doing too much because there are some things she can't do, things she can do, and a whole lot I think I can do better than she can.  I kinda get lost in that middle area.  I keep telling myself the middle area is where I need to let go

yes yes yes!  It takes a while for us to get the hang of all this, but you are figuring this out Mata!
 

[JNChell]

Mata, you’ve just described black and white thinking and how it’s important to live between the two. In the gray area. That’s where meaningful things happen. Sanity and reason reside in the gray. Remember that.

[Mata]

. Sanity and reason reside in the gray.

This should be on a tee shirt. 

[JNChell]

If you get rich off of it, you owe me half.

[livednlearned]

I tend to get less emotional and more analytical.  But I'm an over-thinker by nature

Me too.

I don't know if this would be helpful to you but there is an excellent book called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. He has done a lot of research on healing from trauma and discusses EMDR and other therapies that seem particularly helpful if you have learned to stuff emotions and not experience them physically. I came across van der Kolk when I noticed that years of talk therapy had kind of plateaued for me. I was so willing to process trauma and emotions yet couldn't seem to find a way in. I started to suspect that at least some of my anxiety and dread was not accessible through talking, perhaps because I was so analytical? I don't know. My regular therapist was always saying how well I was doing, but I was waking up feeling intense dread in the middle of the night and was reacting physically and emotionally (all stuffed inside) to situations way out of proportion to what seemed reasonable.

I looked into EMDR and it seemed to be best for specific, episodic types of trauma. Chronic developmental trauma, like what many of us experience as a kid, is apparently a slightly different kind of trauma, at least in terms of different treatment approaches. I didn't conclude that EMDR wouldn't work for me, I just felt that other approaches might be more effective.

That led to somatic experiencing therapy ( https://traumahealing.org/about-us/ ) which grew out of the work of Dr. Peter Levine. I spoke to an SE therapist who did EMDR and based on what I described she suggested that somatic experiencing would be safer. Her concern was that EMDR was harder to titrate (?) I think is the word she used. Meaning, it would be harder to put the brakes on painful emotions and that could be re-traumatizing.

The way SE worked was that we would talk and sometimes I would make a gesture with my hands or move my head a certain way and she would stop the conversation and have me sort of ... exaggerate the movement. Sometimes she would have me do something in reaction to a specific movement. For example, I might make a very small movement with my hands when talking about my uBPD brother, and she would have me move my whole arm forcefully as though I was moving something away. I don't know how or why, but the combination of moving my body in connection to what I was saying seemed to unlock things that I otherwise couldn't access. She also seemed to have a sixth sense about how to ground me back in the room and return to baseline. Once we started working together, I realized how important this was for me. Maybe because I never really knew what it was like to feel safety as a kid it didn't occur to me to even check that she would help me recover from these feelings 

During our initial sessions, emotions would surface that took me by surprise. For example, she had asked me to come to my second session with three memories of something that had had a big impact on my life. I came back with three well-visited memories that were kind of ... tidy? They had a beginning, middle, end, like a story. I knew they were important but I didn't have a lot of feeling associated with them other than cooled off anger and hurt.

For the first memory, I was in the middle of describing the scene, and was using my hands to gesture, like we do when we talk. The T asked me to keep moving my right hand, which I did. Then she asked me who was to my right in the memory, and what did I want to do to that person. Somehow, those simple questions and movement unlocked the feelings that went with that memory, as simple and pure as how I felt with no censoring, almost like I was able to be that age again and feel the raw emotions without my adult self trying to stop them from happening.

The first three or four sessions were pretty intense emotionally, but I always felt like it was just the right amount and that there was someone there making sure I didn't go too deep or too far into something that messed me up for a week until the next session.

It's been helpful to me in life to be analytical, and it's also been a bit too effective when it comes to having appropriate feelings.

I still have work to do but I was estranged from my father for 7 years and was able to reconnect without shorting all my circuits. I'm not sure how I'll do when it's time to see my brother and I'm in no rush, but I do have faith that this type of healing works even if I don't fully understand how. What I wanted was to process those feelings so that they didn't show up every time I interacted with family members and that seems to have happened. Sometimes I think the animal part of my *self* needed to know that I was taking measures to keep my whole being safe, and I nailed it  Not only did I not re-traumatize myself, I found a way to do it carefully and thoughtfully and somehow earned back some trust from the part of me that's been super tense and vigilant. And I've been working on boundaries and finding trustworthy people in my life, something I didn't even know was a thing.

All this seems to have unwound my nervous system a little and let me be a bit more in the moment, with appropriate feelings in line with what's happening. Not perfectly, and not all the time, but definitely better than what it used to be when I felt so jacked up.

I hope you find peace and relief, Mata. There is so much happening these days around resolving trauma, and I wholeheartedly believe we are entering some kind of golden age in learning how to recover from trauma in genuine and long-lasting ways.

 

LnL

[missing NC]

Mata,

I am so sorry for all you have been through. You are quite a survivor.  Regarding the punching bag in the basement, a friend also suggested a tennis racket on the bed, which I found a bit easier than the standing punching bag she bought me to release frustration/stress related to Cluster B trauma.  (Overall, I'm looking at other options for processing the past and dealing with current issues at this point.)

Merv/Mata,

Like Merv, I tried one ketamine infusion, but the provider was not the best choice. I plan to try it again with a highly recommended (and of course even more expensive) provider.  I will let you know if you are still interested in a month or so (due to the waitlist) how it goes. 

Methuen and all,

I find your suggestions for coping really helpful. 

[Mata]

I don't know if this would be helpful to you but there is an excellent book called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. He has done a lot of research on healing from trauma and discusses EMDR and other therapies that seem particularly helpful if you have learned to stuff emotions and not experience them physically. I came across van der Kolk when I noticed that years of talk therapy had kind of plateaued for me. I was so willing to process trauma and emotions yet couldn't seem to find a way in. I started to suspect that at least some of my anxiety and dread was not accessible through talking, perhaps because I was so analytical? I don't know. My regular therapist was always saying how well I was doing, but I was waking up feeling intense dread in the middle of the night and was reacting physically and emotionally (all stuffed inside) to situations way out of proportion to what seemed reasonable.

I'm about half way through that book at the moment, I agree its excellent so far.  My T also says I'm doing well, but sometimes I don't know. 

I hope you find peace and relief, Mata. There is so much happening these days around resolving trauma, and I wholeheartedly believe we are entering some kind of golden age in learning how to recover from trauma in genuine and long-lasting ways.

Thanks.  I really appreciate you sharing your experience with SE, it sounds really interesting.  I did some searching and it doesn't look like there is anyone in my town that offers it.  I might have to dig a little more. 

[Mata]

Like Merv, I tried one ketamine infusion, but the provider was not the best choice. I plan to try it again with a highly recommended (and of course even more expensive) provider.  I will let you know if you are still interested in a month or so (due to the waitlist) how it goes. 
 

If you feel like sharing, I'd be interested.  Tennis racket on the bed sounds promising too.