My son

[Aboutevan]

I'm hoping that this site can help me a bit. I've been struggling enormously with my adult son, 32 years old. He has not as yet been diagnosed with BPD, but it's obvious to me that this is his central issue. He has, though, been diagnosed with chronic depression (diagnosed at age 16). I am familiar with Depression, and my son's behavior is clearly not only that of a depressive's. He checks off every BPD box. I am so exhausted and saddened - and angry -  by the endless cycles of rage, paranoia, accusations. I don't know what to do anymore. When he is in the bad part of the cycle, to mention being evaluated infuriates him and of course, he refuses to do it. I am a fortunate person, healthy, generally happy, but this situation is beyond difficult. I love him so much and can't bear to see him in this pain. But I can't stand this pain, either - for myself. Thanks. This is my first post.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Welcome to you, Aboutevan

Many of us here say that our troubled children have not had the official diagnosis of suffering from BPD.  I am one of them.  I echo your comment in that my daughter, too, checks off every BPD box. 

For sure it is always better to be able to give the problem a proper name but the info you glean from this website and the support you will get from others who share problems like yours can be so helpful in keeping your own head above the water.  Many, many times that is the most important thing.

Is this journey we share with them exhausting?  Oh, you bet!  The term so often used when referring to what life is like with them is... "it is like being on a roller-coaster ride."  No telling sometimes what the next minute will bring, let alone the next day.

Sadly there are no magic answers but here there is encouragement for you to put one foot in front of the other as you find your own answers.  In my circle of family/friends, no one relates to my story.  In fact, they are sometimes stunned to silence when I share...and their silence makes me feel worse.  Feedback is so important.  Everyone wants to know they are being heard...their feelings validated.

Do you have family support.  Have you ever thought of or had counselling for yourself?

So, Aboutevan, you are here now.   Once again, welcome.   Hope this turns out to be as much of a life-line for you that it has been for me.  Share as much or as little that makes you feel comfortable.  Take advantage of all the information on this website (and there are links to more).  Do your homework as you continue to share.  Jump in and give support to others.  Yes, sounds time-consuming...IS time-consuming...but more constructive than what consumes your time now.

Huat

[Aboutevan]

Thanks, Huat. I appreciate your response, so much.
What I'm dealing with now is that I'm not sure how to proceed. On Sunday, my son and I had one of our awful phone calls (same old litany of rage and accusations from him and me being sort of catatonic and then trying to reason and then giving up). I also have a strong feeling that he was drunk (he has been sober for three years) so this was another blow.  When we have these episodes, I feel like I've been in a train wreck or have been ill - and need time to recover. So, I haven't called  him since then, haven't done anything to reach out to him which makes me anxious, guilty, worried and yes - a little mad that I'm in this position AGAIN. 

I just don't know what to do.  But I've been discovering this website and all the links and am grateful that there is someplace to go.

I have seen a therapist, but again, it feels to me as if this situation has to be known by people who have experienced it. She was sympathetic, but honestly, not much help.  I find that the people here "get it."

Thanks.

[Huat]

Hello again, Aboutevan.

I don't have to imagine what that last phone call with your son was like, nor how you felt after it was done.  Mind you, with my daughter, she mostly resorts to the written word.  I used to receive pages and pages, then it changed to emails...loong emails.

You write you tried to "reason" with him.  Bottom line, Aboutevan, there is NO "reasoning" with them.  That took me so long to learn.  It was such an eye-opener for me to learn about "J-A-D-E"...then start putting it into practice.  It is...don't Justify-Argue-Deny-Explain...when in one of those heated discussions.  Doing anyone of those things just adds fuel to the fire.  I strongly urge you to look this up...do your homework.

Your son is not about to change.  It will have to be you.  You are just as important as your son.  You need to set boundaries to protect yourself.   When he is in one of his rages you could acknowledge his pain and tell him that you will listen to him when he is calmer.  For sure easier said than done.   Another phrase that is used often here is "babysteps."  It will be a slow process as you work towards becoming more empowered...not "in power"...but empowered to stand up for yourself...let him know you expect and deserve respect.

I agree with you that it is comforting to be with people who walk in similar shoes.  I really had no idea there were others until I stumbled upon this website.  What a relief that was for me.  Although there have been no miraculous changes in my daughter, there have been in me.

As for going to a therapist, if you find the right one that can be a game-changer, too.  So don't write that off.  You need all the support you can get as you work on breaking the cycle with your son.

Onward and upward, Aboutevan.  Keep posting/sharing...jump in to send life-lines to others who need support to get over their road bumps.

Huat