I think my sister has BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

My sister and I are 11 months apart and we have always been close.  We still are very close and I love her very much.  However, her behavior, treatment of me, raging temper, feeling like a victim all of the time, and how she sabotages relationships (especially her romantic relationships) is wearing me down.  I'm 48 and she is 49 and this has been going on for as long as I can remember.  It's definitely gotten worse in the last 10 years.  I live in the US and she's in Australia where we were both born and grew up.  I've been in the US for 16 years now.  Any advice on how to protect myself, look after myself, cope?  It's having a very negative effect on my life.  I'm always the one "caving" and supplicating to her.  When she's "normal", she's an amazing, loving, funny, caring person.

Thank you!

[SisterHasBPD]

My sister and I are 11 months apart and we have always been close.  We still are very close and I love her very much.  However, her behavior, treatment of me, raging temper, feeling like a victim all of the time, and how she sabotages relationships (especially her romantic relationships) is wearing me down.  I'm 48 and she is 49 and this has been going on for as long as I can remember.  It's definitely gotten worse in the last 10 years.  I live in the US and she's in Australia where we were both born and grew up.  I've been in the US for 16 years now.  Any advice on how to protect myself, look after myself, cope?  It's having a very negative effect on my life.  I'm always the one "caving" and supplicating to her.  When she's "normal", she's an amazing, loving, funny, caring person.

Thank you!

[Brook]

Hi. Welcome to the group. I’m so sorry to hear about your sister and I think you’ll find something to help you here. Explore the site and check out the tools and tips for more information.

Good for you for reaching out. My sister is an undiagnosed person with BPD (uBPD). She’s 2 years younger than I and feels that I should help her get out of the current trouble she’s in. My parents and siblings have written her off and don’t speak to her at all. I’m going through a really rough time with her and this support group has really helped. I don’t post much, but reading other people’s posts and knowing I’m not alone is so helpful. Welcome and best of luck.

[Lucky83]

I know how you feel. A single conversation with my sister can leave me feeling torn up for days, having trouble sleeping, second-guessing myself, etc. I try to be “in the moment” and focus on whatever is good about where I am and who is with me, to take my mind off of the conversation with her and remind myself that other parts of my life are better. Does that help you at all?

[Brook]

There are some great videos on YouTube by Dr. Ramani Durvasula that are really good for helping understand and deal with pwBPD. Also, a couple of books I’ve read that have been helpful are Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger and I Hate You Don’t Leave Me by Jerold Kreisman and another author.

If you don’t have the budget to buy books, there are plenty of resources right here on this site.

Keep posting to get support and read posts by others. It’s absolutely amazing how similar people’s experiences are to your own. And take good care of yourself.

[marigold14]

Your post really hit close to home. I'm 29 and my sister is 27 and our dynamic sounds very similar. I'm also new here and am hoping to soak up as much information as I can. It's so hard when you love your sister so much but also have endured so much pain and suffering on their behalf. When everything is stable life couldn't be better but the lows can be all-consuming. I just started Stop Walking on Eggshells and I'm finding it helpful. I'll be thinking about you.

[Brook]

marigold14, I hope you can find the help and support you need here. I haven’t spoken with my uBPD sister in days and I’m grieving so much today, because it really hurt her when I wouldn’t agree for her to move in with me.  I’ve been crying for days because I truly do love her and want what’s best for her, but she has interpreted my decision to mean that I don’t love her. Nothing could be further from the truth. The thing is, she’ll never really understand or come to appreciate how much I love her. She will never know how much time, energy, therapy, prayer, reading books, etc. that I have put in to our relationship.

I feel so broken-hearted. I have no support, but this site. My husband and daughter know what I’ve been through and do the best they can to be supportive, but they just can’t relate like the people who are IN this relationship.

My therapist understands intellectually, what I’m going through, but I don’t think she gets how heartbreaking this is.

The worst part is, that my friends and family never believed me when I described my sister’s behavior. Of course, Mom and Dad knew, but aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. never had a clue. My friends would meet her and think she was SO charming, so witty, so smart. And she is all of that, on a good day, but it hurts when people don’t believe you until they experience it themselves.

My sister lives out of state and I’ve had total strangers call me (her friends and the occasional boyfriend) and say, “Can I speak to you about your sister?” She can never sustain a relationship for very long.

I just want her to be happy, free, in love, to have a satisfying and fulfilled life, but this has never happened. I’m in my late 50’s now. She’s only a couple of years younger than I and she’s never gotten better and has never received the help she needs because she doesn’t understand that she needs help.

I’m committed to our relationship even though I’m currently not in contact with her. It’s been an exhausting, discouraging, heart wrenching experience and I’ve watched my family disconnect from her, one by one. I don’t blame them, but I feel so very alone. Thank God for this site!

I encourage you to keep reading, keep reaching out for support. And above all, take care of yourself.  If you plan to stay in a relationship with your sister, you will have to be strong, and there may come a time (for me, it’s right now) where, for your own sanity, you’ll have to let her go.

[marigold14]

Brook, thanks for sharing your story. It's so hard when our love seems invisible to others. I relate deeply. I have no interest in credit or praise for spending countless hours trying to help my sister, yet it's hard to know that my time and pain-staking effort isn't recognized by her. So much of my life is and has been devoted to being a good sister to her. I'm the older sister and we're only 21 months apart, so I feel an intense sense of duty and responsibility to look out for her. It's so hard to let go of the older sister role. I'm trying as best as I can to find a balance in living a full life and having a semblance of a relationship with my sister. Currently, she won't even speak with me.

My immediate family, fiance, and two friends have witnessed her behavior and are fully aware of the situation. However, we have many mutual friends who are unaware of her behavior and only see the fun, smart, and sweet side of her. It's challenging because I do not want to influence their view of my sister - I want her to have these friends in her life. She needs all the support she can get. That said, it's so hard for me to maintain these friendships because I cannot be honest about what is going on. I have always chosen to keep my sister's health issues private out of respect for her and will continue to do so. Unfortunately, recently she has started to manipulate two of our mutual friends and have convinced them that I am putting her life at risk of COVID-19, which couldn't be further from the truth. The fact that I'm losing friends who I've known for over 12 years is heartbreaking but somehow feels like a worthwhile sacrifice so that my sister at least has some supportive people in her life?

Also, while on the topic of COVID-19 - has anyone else had difficult experiences with their BPD loved ones due to the pandemic?

[Thanks]

Hi, Everyone,

My sister of 65 years has always been, since middle childhood, BPD. She has been incredibly destructive and really tore the family apart. She shuts various members out for years, then connects with them and they gang up on others of us. The person she favors changes every few years, as do the family members she hates. Meanwhile, she herself is generally miserable. I don't think she has ever gotten appropriate treatment.

The perspective that has saved my peace of mind is this: her distancing herself from me is really doing me a favor. I miss who she used to be - but that wasn't really who she was, just a face she presented. I can't help her - and certainly will not enable her destructive behavior - and she only seems to do harm to me. So it's a gift that she has distanced herself from me, and I have no intention of imposing myself on her. I wish the best for her, and it will be ok with me if she never contacts me again.

That probably sounds extreme - but BPD in the family leads to extreme perspectives. Acceptance of the BPD person for who they are, and setting appropriate boundaries with them, often seems to add up to this kind of perspective. I think it's best to put our energy into people and relationships where we can truly help, and also be nurtured and loved. There's not much point in beating our heads against the wall of an angry BPD person.

Wishing you all the best, in hopes for healing!

[Brook]

marigold14 and Thanks - The great thing about this support group is how much we can relate to one another! The big sister thing... yep. Me too. The pwBPD ganging up with family members - been there. The losing friends yourself, but glad they are there as support for the pwBDP. I completely and 100% agree. The fact that it’s a blessing when they get mad and distance from you - sweet relief!

How strange that something like this can bring total strangers together! Don’t you think it’s strange? People I don’t know and will probably never meet, know exactly what I’m going through. How amazing is that?

marigold14, you asked about COVID-19. My sister is a bit of a hypochondriac, but she hasn’t really exploited the COVID situation except to say how lonely and isolated she feels. It’s the one thing I don’t believe she is exaggerating. I think the reason she hasn’t tried to use this situation is because if she claims she has COVID she knows I can’t come to her aid. It would only serve to further isolate her. Also, how’s it going with the Stop Walking on Eggshells book?

Hope all is well with all of you. I feel more at peace today and I look forward to a relaxing weekend.

[SisterHasBPD]

Wow, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you sharing your lives and challenges with your sisters. Can I please ask how you protect yourself emotionally and mentally when BPD raises it’s very ugly head? My sister is undiagnosed. I will always have a relationship with her. We are very close. I will definitely read the walking on eggshells book recommendation. Thank you!  Such a heartbreaking disorder. I’m convinced my Mum was heartbroken by my sister’s behavior and she died early because she gave up against her battle with cancer. I know Mum had no chance with her aggressive cancer but she seriously gave up early because her oldest daughter (my sister) said things to her about her illness that are unforgivable. I’m so glad I’m not alone. Thank you

[Hilla]

To everyone on this thread, I want to thank you for sharing, and tell you how sorry I am for all of the suffering you have gone through.

Right now it feels impossible. The SWOE book is helpful, and I find solace in reading it b/c I feel less alone --- but the truth is that it requires very, very hard, emotional labor and often it does not work. I never have any semblance of reconciliation with this woman. Now she is influencing the children. My dad and I moved closer to her to help her, and she is taking full advantage of us.

I really don't know what to do. Does anyone else received abusive text messages nonstop? One each more hurtful than the next.

It is hard for me to understand how this happens for her, how it spins so fast... does anyone have advice on that?

I feel like I am sick with something b/c of the abuse, for so many years I was confused by it, and when I got help I came to understand I was being disrespected and devalued by someone who is out of control. It is too much of an effort to have a relationship with her. But we moved here b/c of the virus, to be close and be good and happy and well... It doesn't happen, it is truly impossible. My sister has 1000% used COVID-19 to manipulate me. When I arranged movers for my dad, she said she wasn't going to help, she would not come until 14 days later b/c of the covid risk. She didn't keep to that and instead she ended up dumping her children on me my first night in the house with everything a mess from moving and unpacking.

Does BPD really mean letting a sister go?

[Brook]

Hilla, Letting go of a sister or anyone with BPD is something only you can decide. While you think about that, I advise you to put some time into thinking about what your boundaries with your sister are and begin to establish them. Boundaries are amazing! This is very much like parenting a child - there are consequences of the child’s behavior (good or bad). Here are some examples of my boundaries with my sister:

1) My sister lives in another state and wants to move back home. She says she’s about to be homeless (this has been going on for years because she quit a lucrative job when her boyfriend moved in with her and she never looked for work even after the boyfriend left). She wants to move in with me and my family. I said no. It was REALLY hard to do that, but someone on this site reminded me that she has to experience the consequences of her choices. She chose not to find work and now she is accusing me of “letting her be homeless”.

2) When she threatens to commit suicide I say, “Let’s call the suicide hotline right now.” I also have the phone number to the police in her county and I will call them and ask them to do a “welfare check” on my sister. This is where the police will stop by a person’s home to make sure they are o.k. I haven’t done this yet, but I will if she threatens to kill herself again.

She has been emotionally blackmailing my entire family for 40 years by threatening to take her life. It’s hard to take the threats seriously after so long, but I’ve read enough to know that she might actually do it. My message to her is always, “Seek help.” She doesn’t.

3) When she sends me a never-ending barrage of hateful emails and texts, I don’t read them and I don’t respond. I’ve created a rule that all of her email goes to junk mail so I don’t have to see it. I can check the junk mail once in awhile and just by skimming the first line or two I can tell if she’s calmed down or not. Sometimes I temporarily block her number so I don’t have to see the texts. Her communications to me are insulting, abusive, and tailor-made to hit me right where it hurts.

Boundaries are good, but you have to be strong and stick to them.

Something you could think about is what the consequences will be the next time your sister drops off her kids without your permission. Maybe you can research that online. And possibly, find out if it’s appropriate to involve Child Protective Services, or maybe mention to your sister that this is a problem for you and if she continues to dump the kids on you that you will explore what your legal options are if she doesn’t stop. I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Only you know what might work for you. You could not answer the phone or leave the house. Just brainstorming here and I hope you’ll be able to find something that works for you.

My sister has been in a rage for days and has been writing me to “never see or speak to her again.” I haven’t responded (she does this all the time), but now I’m thinking seriously about ending all contact with her. I’m so very, very tired and heart sick. She never. gets. better.