BPD Mother and trying not to cut ties

[LeMarais22]

I am 30 years old and in the past two years have been struggling to change the relationship dynamic with my mother through initiating boundaries and trying to live a more separate life. She is completely in denial and does not accept any responsibility or accountability in her role within our mother/daughter relationship. We recently tried mediation (her idea) with her therapist which went horribly because sat there in denial while her therapist was shocked to hear all of the in depth thoughts I had written down about the history of our unhealthy relationship. As much as my partner and friends have been a wonderful support system, it would be nice to hear from other's who are having more similar experiences. I found this website through SWOE workbook which my therapist had recommended.

[Goldcrest]

Hello LeMarais22

It is hard...something I am trying to do is keep a separate life but even though I live 400 miles from my mother for the last few years she has been in my head most of the day. The people on this website are really kind and helpful so a good place to come. For me I am learning to accept that my mother simply cannot face her own shame, therefore will not see the consequences of her actions. Added to that I have a father who would throw me under the bus to save himself in a heart beat.

With your mum going to mediation did she acknowledge that the relationship isn't working and wanted to try and fix it? What would a more separate life look like for you?

[curious quandary]

Welcome LeMarais22

You are not alone!

I am new to this site too and am also trying to live a more separate life and instill boundaries with my uBPDm. Thank you for sharing your story. It is good to know that there are others who are going through the same struggles.

It seems to be a common theme that accepting responsibility is too painful for BPD's. My mom will go to great lengths to avoid this – denial, excuses, blame, gaslighting, devaluation, you name it. It's tough.

You're clearly committed to making positive changes in your life. It's great that you have a good support system with your partner, friends, and therapist. Have you found the SWOE workbook helpful? Similar to Goldcrest I'm also interested in what a more separate life would look like for you.

[Methuen]

Hi Lemarais22,

I am writing as someone who landed here a year ago in crisis, and had no clue what I had to do.  A year later, and after a lot of "work", I feel I've made progress, although there have been a lot of ups and downs.  I am currently feeling like I have had some success at separating my emotions from my uBPD mom's. Currently, I am in a much better place than I was a year ago, so for me, it is better (until the next catastrophe at least).  I live my own life, and have strategies for her intrusions, behaviors, and attempts to hurt me, and so her distorted thinking and behaviors don't have the power they used to.  But everyone's situation is different, and I have a cousin (her mother and my mother are sisters) who had to go completely NC from her mother.  She had tried everything else with the help of a therapist, and NC was the last resort.  I so respect her for that, because I can only imagine how difficult it is to do.  It's kind of a journey to walk this path to healing, and it looks different for each of us, although I'm sometimes surprised to hear stories from other's who sound like my mother!   I just wanted to welcome you.

[LeMarais22]

Thank you all for your kind responses and for welcoming me into the group. You have no idea how much I need this outlet. I apologize for not answering sooner but so much has happened.

Goldcrest,

Regarding your question "With your mum going to mediation did she acknowledge that the relationship isn't working and wanted to try and fix it? What would a more separate life look like for you?"

We went to mediation one more time in August and she did not acknowledge ANYTHING. The phrase she kept using was "I'm trying to understand why things are different" and I sat there trying to explain but every point I made was her shaking her head denying it all. She portrayed herself to her own therapist (who was also mediator) as this easy-going person who was wronged by her daughter. She swears that all she has done is love and care for me and kept asking me why I hated her so much. She also stated that we were only in mediation because of my supposed anger. Her therapist started to realize that I had done a lot of self-reflection and that my mother wasn't hearing me. The moment the therapist tried to get my mom to listen, my mother walked out. Thankfully we had already set up future boundaries which included talking once every two weeks. I gave my mother the option of talking once a week or once bi-weekly and she sighed saying "Whatever you want so you don't get mad". I went with bi-weekly. This week I called her and instead of the nice conversation we had the last few times, she decided to get upset that I didn't reply to her text and that discussion ended up with me giving her an ultimatum ...either we talk one bi-weekly or not at all. She chose not at all. Now I'm living the option of that more separate life and trying to navigate how this will spread to other family members possibly not speaking to me as well.

Curious Quandary,

To your quote "My mom will go to great lengths to avoid this – denial, excuses, blame, gaslighting, devaluation, you name it. It's tough."  Yes! My mother especially uses projection, denial and excuses. Her role of "victim" is all she knows and she is amazing at it. I have definitely found the workbook helpful and I think it's going to be a tool that I come back to from time to time to ground myself. As I mention above, my mother and I are now not speaking at all and I'm looking forward to speaking with my therapist next week to help me navigate through this.

Methuen,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I think it is so wonderful that you've done so much work on how to deal with your UBPD mom and that it's working for you thus far. It sounds like I have now landed in the same realm that your cousin is in. At least I can say I have done what I can (therapy, workbooks, self help books, mediation..) I don't know what will happen from here but it's sad that it ended up like this.