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Author Topic: I just need to vent about how I'm feeling right now  (Read 277 times)
WitzEndWife
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« on: September 14, 2020, 01:31:20 PM »

This weekend started with a rage tantrum. I woke up early in the morning to let the dogs out and feed them. It was absurdly humid and H had left all the windows open and the a/c off overnight because it had cooled down. As soon as I stepped onto the hardwood, it felt wet and sticky due to the humidity. I looked at the weather report. It was at 93% humidity. The temperature downstairs was nearing 80 degrees and it was 6:30 a.m., and I was already sweating, so I decided to close up the windows and turn on the a/c to clear out the humidity and take the temp down a few degrees. When H woke up, he flew into a rage that the windows were closed. He asked me WHY the windows were closed and the a/c was on. I explained about the humidity and the heat and I didn't want it to get hotter because it would be more expensive and wasteful to cool down later on in the day. He went on and on and on, yelling and screaming about how I was a hypocrite regarding the environment and a moron and wasteful, etc. And how he made the rules because he had it down to a science and how he could survive indoors with 105 degree weather and not EVEN a FAN. I went into the bedroom to keep him from ranting and he kept texting me about it. Finally, I'd had enough. I went around the house, opening every window WIDE and turned off the a/c. FINE, I said. YOU GET YOUR WAY. HERE'S ALLLLLLLL THE HUMIDITY.

Not even a half an hour later, he was like, "Now that I'm up and moving around, I can see what you meant about it being too humid and hot in here. I'm turning on the a/c." I was fuming. I said, "Okay, so, NEXT TIME, when I SAY it's too humid in here, how about assuming positive intent and not throwing a freaking tantrum?" He tried to say that he didn't realize it was at 93% humidity. I said, "Well, maybe know that I'm not wasteful OR trying to have a/c in here when it's not needed."

Now, of course, we know, this had NOTHING to do with the goddamn humidity. It was all about his weird need to control his environment. Only HE can open and close the windows, only HE can regulate the temperature in the house. If I do it, I must be trying to ruin his life or something. I do not understand this and I never will.

We ran errands later on in the day. I just kept thinking, "I really don't want this life. I don't want to be with this person." On the way back to the car at Lowe's, he stopped to look at some hideous car (he's a car guy). He asked me if I knew what it was. I said I did not. He said, "Come here, I'll show you." I said, "Uh, that's okay, no thanks," and continued walking toward the car. Apparently, doing that made me an asshole. He raged and screamed and went on and on and on about how I "disrespect" him. He even did this in the parking lot of the grocery store, which made me SO incredibly embarrassed. I'm sure everyone there thinks I'm a battered wife. Way to advertise that you're a jerk!

Anyway...of course after that he went on to pretend like nothing happened and that everything was normal - like he usually does after being a complete rageaholic.

I'm tired of being treated like this. I'm so unhappy. I hope I can soon get the energy and courage to get the ball rolling on ending things and getting him out.
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« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2020, 01:38:21 PM »

You are a battered wife. Maybe not physically, but certainly verbally and emotionally.

He would have some very limited ground to stand on about controlling the environment if he were the one that made the money and paid the bills. But he does neither--it's all you.

What keeps you from ending things and getting him out?

I know you've said that you're concerned about being emotionally devalued and hearing him say bad things about you. But he already does that. Wouldn't you rather not have that in your life at all?
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« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2020, 05:04:44 PM »

Thanks for responding, Cat. I keep trying to challenge myself on this. I don't think it's just the devaluation. I mean, it can't be. I don't fear him devaluing me on the every day, I just hate it because he can be so incredibly mean and shaming. I think part of it is the difficulty of just doing it. Like, going to a lawyer and having him forced out, dealing with his rage tantrum as the fallout of that, disentangling all of our stuff, dealing with whatever nonsense he will pull in the interim. He will not go quietly, that is for sure. My mom and I were talking about this the other day. He has it way too good. He will do whatever he can to stay comfortable. He will threaten, he will rage, he will probably beg and plead and promise too. The whole thing will be emotionally wrecking. And if I'm being honest, I don't really feel like I have quite all that to spare at the immediate moment. Once I have my team backfilled at work (I've been understaffed and redlining for the past year and a half), maybe I can think about this differently and I'll have the emotional space to do it by the end of the year. I think I need to give myself some kind of deadline to get the ball rolling. Maybe that's the push I need to do it. I just seem to have this mentality of, "Well, he's not being horrible RIGHT NOW, so I don't want to rock the boat." But when he's bad, I am miserable, so I know it's not worth it. Right now, it feels like breathing sets him off.
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« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2020, 10:55:33 AM »


And..why have a conversation about the humidity.

We all know that you can "take" the humidity...that's not the issue.

It's the rage and then the pretending like there is no rage.

He raises a valid point about the environment, without realizing it.

Why would he and you choose to live with rage?

The answer is clearer for him.

Not so clear for you.

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Your decision to allow him to continue goading you until you snap is an unwise course of action.  It is very likely this will someday result in you "snapping" and to the outside world he will appear the "attacked" one and you the "aggressor".

I realize you came her to vent and didn't specifically ask for advice.  I care about you and your well being. 

This powder keg has been building and building and building and building....

Is there any chance "relief" will come from him?

So..based on your answer...the source of "defusing" the power keg is???

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Best,

FF
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« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2020, 11:24:08 AM »

If you choose to end it, there’s never a good time. There will always be issues that need your attention.

And if you do end it, it will be an unpleasant experience. No getting around that. But at some point it will be over.

As it stands now, this is the reality you will exist in...forever...unless you choose differently.
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« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2020, 12:43:01 PM »

FF, I think I probably snap in minor ways already. I have to. I can't remain silent and passive. I just wish that I could have an adult conversation with him and tell him how I'm feeling without him throwing everything back on me. His logic is that if I wouldn't do things to make him angry then he wouldn't rage out. It's ALL my fault. I'm a passive aggressive a-hole who disrespects him. I really wonder if he's conscious at all of his treatment of me. I know he isn't capable of being an adult. He's just a big, raging toddler who works at constantly breaking boundaries. If I tell him no, he will just hound and hound and hound and hound and, if that doesn't work, rage and rage and rage and rage for days to try to get me to break. He will keep forcing whatever he wants on me, trying different manipulative ways to get me to agree. Today, he chased me around the house with his phone because he wanted me to watch a viral video. I told him I didn't want to watch it and he tried to force it in front of my face. I had to fight him off about it for like 15 minutes. He finally told me I was being disrespectful again and left the room. I know I need to probably try to get some relief somewhere. I do yoga and journal and meditate regularly and that does help.

Cat, I know you're right. I really do. This is a big "would you rather?" I could be tortured for a lifetime and die never fully having peace or knowing a real, loving relationship, or I could endure the ring of fire for a set period of time and find freedom on the other side. The answer seems simple on the outside. Walk through the fire, duh! Why that is so daunting, I still don't really fully understand. It could be that I still feel like I'm going to hurt him and make him uncomfortable, and somehow I'm still emotionally tuned to be accommodating. And logically, enabling him is NOT what is best for him. But reconciling that is hard. I can't emotionally make myself feel good about it, or even like emotionally it's the right thing to do. Logically, I'm there. Emotionally, I'm not.
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« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2020, 01:52:28 PM »

I can't emotionally make myself feel good about it, or even like emotionally it's the right thing to do. Logically, I'm there. Emotionally, I'm not.

But...when is it ever "emotionally good" to end a relationship? 

I can't imagine any way that you will "feel good emotionally" about any scenario in which the r/s ends, he moves out...however the definition is.

Switching gears:  I'm having trouble imagining how the 15 minutes went on of shoving a phone in your face.

I can get 1..perhaps two.

"Babe..send me a link, perhaps I'll watch it later.  Right now doesn't work for me."

blah blah blah

"no" 

blah blah blah

"My NO matters to me.  I won't live with someone that doesn't respect my no.  Please pack your bags and move out."

No more discussion.  No more money.  No more...anything. 

Last gear switch.  I agree you are snapping in little ways.  You are managing it.  That's not the point.

At some point you and he will both miscalculate

The law of averages/statistics says this will happen...right? 

Please go to your logical place and think about this.  Barring major change (I would say major change on both your parts)....is there any doubt there will be a miscalculation..he will push to far too long...you won't "snap enough" in small ways.

That is the clearest way I can express my concern.

What does your logical mind say about that?

Best,

FF

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« Reply #7 on: September 15, 2020, 02:38:36 PM »

As far as a “good time” to initiate a divorce, I’ll tell you what was going on in my life:
1. I had separated our business interests (he had been my partner) and began having our products manufactured by an outside company

2. My dad had died; I realized my mother had dementia; I started flying to her house monthly and packing up; I bought her a house near me and had to install irrigation and maintain the landscaping

3. In addition to running the business, I had an additional job

4. I no longer had his help taking care of livestock, gardens and the orchard

5. I started building a house, after having lived in a trailer on the property

6. I was dating a man I met after the breakup and he had a very difficult young daughter, with what I now recognize as a personality disorder

Somehow I got though all of that and life became considerably better. And it all became so much easier!
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« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2020, 02:44:55 PM »

Oh and I forgot—
7. I finished training to be an emergency medical technician, thinking that I might want to become a paramedic some day, but I never pursued that. Nice to have the knowledge about what to do in an emergency—it’s served me well on a few occasions
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« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2020, 05:29:09 PM »

WEW, I know what H$ll you are going through.  It started to change when my uBPD H started on thy roid hormone treatment.  There is a strong connection with low (and high) thyroid function and BPD, although there is not always a connection.  BPD also tends to run in families.

It too a long time to be to accept that I was abused in my marriage.  H would rage at me for the smallest things, and almost weekly, there were threats of divorce and how much he hated me.  Although I came to learn this was BPD, and my H was truly mentally ill, it still was hard to accept. 

I have mentioned this book to several on this board who are considering divorce from a person who is BPD or NPD.  As you know, BPDs often have NPD features.  You can buy this book in e-format and read it in secret.  I did.  BUT whatever you do,  do NOT tell your partner that you think he is BPD.  This can backfire on you.  See this in the book.  The author is both a social worker as well as a lawyer.  He has seen PDs in court and knows how they function.  As most lawyers and judges do not understand PDs, you are made out the be the crazy one with lies, half-truths and manipulation.

Be strong, WEW.  I know it is not easy to see you are dealing with a madman.

"Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder"

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254
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WitzEndWife
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« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2020, 05:48:53 PM »

WEW - I JUST bought that book! Thanks for the reco. I am looking forward to reading it.

Cat - Wow, that is a LOT to deal with. My question to myself is, and something I have to really work on, is why I am SO concerned about protecting HIS feelings here. It's like, I look at him diligently working away on our cars right now and going to school regularly and caring for the dogs and everything and I think, "He genuinely is trying to do better." And I feel horrible guilt for even thinking of throwing him out and abandoning him and taking away everything he's been working on. Why I don't have the same compassion for myself, I have NO idea. It's like when I think of myself and my needs, I feel nothing. There's nothing there, just air. Until, of course, he starts being cruel or controlling. Then, of course, I feel my needs. Why can't I feel them all the time? How does a person get to feeling them all the time? That's a big question mark.

FF - How that interaction went: I was about to start working and was putting some stuff away in the bedroom. H came up, saying "Oh MY GOD! OH MY GOD! You HAVE to watch this and tell me what you think!" Usually, this means it's something offensive to me or something political that was going to start a fight, when he wants me to "tell him what I think," so I said, "No thanks." He said, "Come on! What's your problem?" We argued back and forth about it and he kept trying to put it in front of my face. I kept pushing the phone away or covering my eyes. He chased me all over upstairs with it. I sat down at my desk and started opening my work apps. He dug into insulting me and saying, "So, any time I want to show you something, you're not going to watch it?" I said, "Yep. If I don't want to watch it, I don't have to." He said, "See? this is the kind of disrespectful behavior I've been talking about." And then he went back downstairs and left me alone.
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« Reply #11 on: September 15, 2020, 06:01:33 PM »

It's as if you have emotional aphasia for yourself and can only feel empathy for him, unless he's being abusive, and then you can feel something for yourself.

No wonder you cling to him, just to be able to feel something.
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« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2020, 11:07:46 AM »

Omg that's true. I was talking to my mom about this today as well. She says I need to just follow my logical self out of this. I know she's right. It's just easier said than done. But I think because I've kind of been "trained" to consider his feelings at all times, I can only focus on his feelings and not my own. I'm not like this in any other place in my life and I know that once I get away, I will feel myself again, but I think I just erase myself, like I don't exist in his presence. So weird. But yeah, I guess the way through the fire is to follow my logical self like a beacon.
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« Reply #13 on: September 16, 2020, 12:45:35 PM »

Interesting conundrum: you've given your emotional self the steering wheel, gas pedal, and brakes. But your emotional self can't see where you're driving. Your logical self can, but you're loathe to turn over the controls.
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« Reply #14 on: September 16, 2020, 02:01:47 PM »

Omg that's true. I was talking to my mom about this today as well. She says I need to just follow my logical self out of this. I know she's right. It's just easier said than done. But I think because I've kind of been "trained" to consider his feelings at all times, I can only focus on his feelings and not my own. I'm not like this in any other place in my life and I know that once I get away, I will feel myself again, but I think I just erase myself, like I don't exist in his presence. So weird. But yeah, I guess the way through the fire is to follow my logical self like a beacon.

I can really relate to what you said. I hate conflict, I didn't want to rock the boat, and I was very afraid of backlash. I knew my significant other would make my life hell because it's happened many times in the past when I've brought up the idea of separating/divorcing. Then I read a book called Splitting and it recommended a strategy that worked for me - basically withdrawing emotionally from the relationship to the point that they discard you. If they're the one to end it, the ending is much less rocky. The plan is to bore them into leaving. I started keeping all my true thoughts and feelings from my wife. I didn't disagree when she said outlandish things intended to shock me or to get me on her side against someone else. I just nodded and parroted back a bit of what she said, and said it without any enthusiasm. When she taunted me, I just sort of stared off into space. To take care of myself, I'd write in my journal about my real feelings, or I'd tell someone else in my life. I didn't want to start believing her nonsense, but I knew it was important to not give her any reward. She enjoyed it when I argued/ defended myself because she liked to control my emotions and it signaled that she was doing just that. So, I just tried to be as boring and emotionally distant as possible. I was no longer fun to taunt. I was only agreeable enough to not set her off. I tried not to give her the message that I wholeheartedly agreed with her, because that was also a reward for her. I acted depressed. When she would comment on the change, I'd just shrug and say something like, "Maybe I'm a bit depressed. I don't know. Maybe I should go to the doctor. I don't know." and then I'd wander away. During it all, I'd remind myself why I was doing it. I felt like I had to be cautious about not actually becoming depressed since I was always appearing that way.

It worked. She started spending lots of time online (probably finding a replacement for me) and then she announced that the relationship was "not rewarding or salvageable" and she packed up her stuff and left. It is still awful for me even though this was my goal. I became very dependent over the years and I need to find myself and get strong again. Like you, I was slowly conditioned to consider her feelings and ignore my own. It's going to take a while to get back on track.

I'm so glad I did it this way. The outcome was pretty smooth - much smoother than I ever dreamed it would be. And quicker than I dreamed it would be. It was so much better than dealing with false accusations, lawsuits, and prolonged battles over property division. I wonder if this tactic could work for you.
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« Reply #15 on: September 16, 2020, 04:14:16 PM »

That's an interesting idea!

I think I saw someone else do the same thing on the forum somewhere...

I just don't know how that works when he's spending crazy money. And we have kids. I don't have steady work either. I'd love to know if anyone else tried this when it was complicated.

And I feel so bad for you, WitzEndWife. Feeling trained is just...so completely accurate. And dependent. Ugh, I used to see myself as this strong woman. Where did she go? How did that happen?

But...trained. That's a great way to put that. I just hate it took me so long to realize. How did I let so many years go by?

I hope you are doing better for the moment. Just remember it's not about you. It never was. 
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« Reply #16 on: September 16, 2020, 06:01:07 PM »

I really REALLY need to start reading that book! I'll start tonight for sure. It's so weird - even though I don't want to be with him, I give into his whims and control mechanisms in order to avoid rejection. While his rages are sort of unpredictable, his mechanisms to hurt me aren't. It's always insulting my training or profession, my beliefs and values, my intellect as the first layer. Then, it's insulting who I am as a person. Then, if nothing else works, he calls me fat - which is a huge childhood trigger for me. If I can just learn to stay neutral through these attacks, and stop worrying about him rejecting me, I would probably be better off. He might even leave of his own accord.

Maybe, just maybe, if I get back into "I'm not paying for anything" mode, AND I give him no emotional fodder, maybe he'll decide to take off on his own. I'm definitely getting into that book. I'm intrigued!
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« Reply #17 on: September 17, 2020, 02:00:22 PM »

I really REALLY need to start reading that book! I'll start tonight for sure. tional fodder, maybe he'll decide to take off on his own. I'm definitely getting into that book. I'm intrigued!

WEW, please don't put this off!  Anyone thinking about leaving a BPD or NPD R/S needs this book yesterday.  It is painful for me to recommend this book here, and then see the person post some mistake they made that could have been avoided had they bought and read the book.  I have been there and read the book.  Please don't tell your H you think he has BPD if he has not had therapy and a diagnosis.  When you are leaving, it's no longer your job to be the caretaker.  Your concern is yourself, and your children and pets, if any.  When you are leaving, you get out:  period.  No more getting your spouse to seek care, get well, or anything else.

You know your H is a sick man.

This is hard, I know, but many of us in R/S with BPDs are so very codependent.  Time for self care.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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