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Author Topic: Where does it end?  (Read 239 times)
myinnertorch

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« on: September 16, 2020, 01:21:59 PM »

I have been with my uBPD wife for almost 18 years. A little over a year ago I took a job that was out of town. My wife supported this move initially, but as time progressed she changed her mind and began to become distant and difficult to interact with.
This past July we were discussing the payment of taxes. I made what I thought was a very innocent statement that I would pay some of our taxes with a credit card. This seemingly innocuous statement "triggered" her and off to the races she went with disparaging remarks on "why could I not afford to pay from my checking account",  "I was making X of dollars...". Now I would not be able to return home, which up to that point was not even a point of discussion, etc. Long story short, the next day I receive a text that she is filing for divorce! WTF? It should be known that this is not the first time my wife has mentioned divorce, separation, etc. It has been a regular mantra for most of our relationship, in fact it was a running joke when we were dating, since she was always breaking up with me. I should have known then that things were amiss, alas, that is my bad. Nonetheless, she actually did consult with an attorney and did start the filing process.

A quick background check, my wife has been married three times previously to my marriage and if you count our 15 yo old daughter, she has three children from three different fathers. I have hung in for our daughter, and when this all came down the pike, was planning on returning home, if anything to try and run interference and protect my daughter from my wife's clutches and verbal abuse. I was planning on returning at the end of this month and began the moving process. Last night in a conversation with her, she as usual "steered" the conversation to my impending move, questioning the rationale of my return without a job. She does make sense, it will be financially difficult.

As the conversation went on, she started the cycle of abuse, devaluing me, my career, etc. The conversation came to an abrupt end when she accused me of leaving without her consent. This is not reality, in fact she helped me get the job, knew and supported the move and now she was claiming abandonment! When I told her I would not have left if she didn't support the move, she hung up and has gone NC.

During this conversation she also informed me that when I return home the first thing she wants to do is go to the courthouse and file for divorce, she was not going to be held hostage until our daughter graduates from High School, she wants to get on with her life and leave, even though she does not have the financial means to do so.

Consequently, I have made the rational decision to extend my stay away from home for at least another month, but I know this will not change anything or the outcome at home. This is very painful and difficult to deal with and although I understand most of the processes at play here, it does not make it any easier to cope with.

Any insight anyone can provide is greatly appreciated.

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WTL
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3502



« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2020, 02:39:08 PM »

Welcome to BPDFamily. I’m sorry that you had to find us, but be
glad that you did. It sounds like abandonment issues. Look, she’s been married  3 times before you. Marriage is a serious contract between two people. She’s broken that contract several times. I don’t have any real advice to give other than becoming completely aware of the person that you’re dealing with. I’m confident that you will find better help on the Family Law board. The resources on that board are priceless.
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“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
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shikai

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« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2020, 02:39:35 PM »

That sounds rough. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm always amazed at how similar many of our stories are. I also took a job out of town with my wife's knowledge and support. I asked her to join me as often as she liked. (She was unemployed so it would have been easy.) She went with me once or twice, but stopped going after she had a couple of wild meltdowns and I set boundaries. I told her the apartment was my sacred space, and no drama was allowed within those walls. She was furious, to say the least, and stopped going. Later on, whenever she would go into a rage, she would scream that I up and left her without any notice. But why was I surprised? She said so many bizarre things: I tried to steal her soul, I prostituted her, I attacked her arm with my electric drill, my daughter was illegally squatting at her rental home (my daughter was renting from her) and that my granddaughter, three years old at the time, was going to be a troubled, violent, juvenile delinquent. It seems crazy until you look at it in the context of manipulation and intimidation. Then it all makes perfect sense.

Where/how do you want this to end? Do you want a divorce? Are you ambivalent about it?
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Goosey
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Relationship status: Divorcing
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« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2020, 03:48:18 PM »

Ya they love to claim abandonment or illegal expulsion.

My wife left after being arrested at home for DV (simple assault and criminal mischief). Cops kinda told her don’t come back till seeing the judge. Of course I paid for her attorney but she never came home again. She loves to say I “threw her out” but there is no legal documents  or communication  about that.  I actually asked (practically begged) her to come home last March because she got fired from her job and the pandemic.
  I emailed her that “we could respect each other’s boundaries and stay calm for the sake of her safety and stability. My only demand is “no drama because this house is calm now and that’s the way it should be”.
  Her response was “not good enough”.
Ya I get it now. It’s never good enough.
I assume the s$$it is hitting the fan in her life now because I keep getting emails about financial defaults that affect our daughter and me. So I pick up the pieces by paying arrears direct to defaulted.
   I go from extremely sad and worried about her to suddenly blurting out expletives about her while driving to jobs.
  I hate her/ worry and want her at least safe. But I don’t love her anymore. That’s a step. I have been reserved while emailing solutions to financial issues but I can’t bail much longer I am just a normal joe.
  Just sad. She is really mentally ill and this will end badly. I just want it to end. Don’t know if it ever will.
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myinnertorch

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« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2020, 11:59:21 AM »

Thanks all for the meaningful replies, it does help the toxic medicine go down, albeit not smoothly and not without a lot of continued hurt.

As much as I remain committed to maintaining the marriage, (for my own caretaker/co-dependent issues-which I am working on) the more my uBPD pushes the divorce mantra. In fact, yesterday after abruptly hanging up on me during a conversation the previous evening, I received the anticipated "stream of consciousness" text last night requesting that "I file for separation and or divorce and serve her. Stop playing games, stop trying to come home to make a case-go online, file the paperwork. It's cut and dry. Otherwise it will make everything more expensive for the both of us."

I was ready to leave my job and come home, even planned my departure for the end of this month, packed everything, gave my landlord notice. My wife (she did make some sense here-give credit where credit is due) during our last conversation, which ended in the hangup, advised me NOT to leave my job without having a new job to come home to. She also had to throw in the usual devaluing statements like "it won't be the same when you are here as we will not be sleeping in the same room" "our daughter will notice something is amiss as we will only be co-habitating" "It will be very stressful" etc, etc. Consequently, on her good advice and being rational about finances, I have decided to extend my time here. HOWEVER-I realize in doing this I am feeding her sense of abandonment, which is the last thing I want to do. NOT going home, although fiscally responsible equates to further rejection in her mind and only aids in her delusion that I always abandon her, have NEVER been home, am an awful parent to our daughter and so on. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't. It's the roulette wheel of BPD in which whatever you bet on, you never win.

The sad fact remains that I have invested almost 20 years in this relationship and other than my 15 year old daughter, have nothing to really show for it. Accepting my role as a "structured partner" "enabler" and even "co-dependent" does not make it any easier. Do I love my wife? Yes...but I have to question that love. Is it out of pity? A misguided sense of rescuing her from herself? I would have to say both at this time, since the continued onslaught of verbal and emotional abuse gets to a point of saturation. Being told "I would not even have you as a friend at this point" which was relayed to me only a few weeks ago is so out there, so from left field, you just sit there and question from which hemisphere comments like that come from. And that is only one of many comments that were made.

I continue to derive a lot of understanding and solace reading the posts here, if anything it makes me feel like I am not alone. But then again, it is also scary and unsettling to see how may of us remain victims of the BPD personality, and how many of us, like me, just take it on the chin and remain. And for what? Why? When in reality if we had a friend who behaved in this manner, I would not continue the friendship. So what makes this relationship any different, other than the extra step of marriage and sharing a child? Are those the only dynamics that make this any different or more acceptable?



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WTL
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Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3502



« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2020, 04:49:08 PM »

Brother, if she’s talking about it, she’s going to do it. I promise that! Take the initiative. Get the ball rolling and protect yourself.
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DJACJ5

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Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 9


« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2020, 05:22:57 PM »

Hi MyInnerTorch,

I think the difference is that the initial intense good times, then the current occasionally ok times, is very much like the pattern to establish an addiction. Constant behaviour (good or bad) doesn't affect the human brain the same way as occasional payoffs, which keep you hoping.

Poker machines are an example - if they never paid out, they wouldn't have their allure. But they might ... Maybe next time...

If a friendship began the way you're being treated now, you'd walk away. But if you're married, you would have had some really good times that you're still hoping for again (at some level)
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Goosey
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Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 109


« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2020, 08:09:57 PM »

Is there a “love you need you I hate you” thing at this  time or are you pretty much being “dismissed”.
  And I am so sorry for the whole situation your dealing with.
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myinnertorch

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« Reply #8 on: September 18, 2020, 07:42:24 AM »

Hi All

Thanks for the responses, all well received and understood.

Unfortunately Goosey this time there is no "I love you/I hate you/Please don't leave". I am dealing with the "witch" with no "waif" mixed in. My wife has never done the "I love you/I hate You" splitting....there has never been love in the equation. Although she claims to have "loved me" I honestly do not believe that was ever so. This was essentially a business arrangement for her. I would support her and then at which time she chose, she would divorce me. In fact I could slap myself for not heeding her warning/transparency in which she told me several years ago very matter of factly in conversation "I am going to divorce you one day, I just don't know when".  Who says such a thing to someone....? Someone with no filter, someone who does not feel empathy, someone who is incapable of "real" love.

I cannot blame her for everything, because I play the role of her "caretaker" and continue to this very moment. I am an enabler, co-dependent, so for that I have to realize my aiding and abetting of this marriage. As painful as that is, I have given her "emotional allowances", discounting her abusive behavior, her verbal insults and literally writing them off. This blind acceptance has only continued the painful situation I am in.

All of us on this forum have to take owness of our part in these twisted, dysfunctional and abusive relationships. It pains me to read how we are affected by these people with BPD. For me it's cathartic to read these posts because it helps me feel that I am not alone in this universe dealing with this illness. However, with that being written, it does not take away from the pain and deep seeded sorrow, that sense of betrayal, the feeling that I was stupid in not picking up on the red flags, I did not catch on until it was too late. Perhaps that's the way people with BPD survive, on the ignorance of people like me, who up until now, were looking to save someone from themselves, which we all know cannot be done.

Day three of NC from her after our last conversation, we'll see how long this one lasts. As the weekend looms and she is not distracted at work, I am preparing for the streams of consciousness to kick in, the abusive texts to come through. The pushing away, her reality opposed to what really is.

I know I am not alone...we all have to face the music!

 
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BuildingFromScratch
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« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2020, 03:14:40 PM »

Perhaps that's the way people with BPD survive, on the ignorance of people like me, who up until now, were looking to save someone from themselves, which we all know cannot be done.

Yes, it is. My ex-girlfriend specifically targeted men who have never had a girlfriend, that way we wouldn't know how messed up it all was, that way it's more likely that they won't leave, that way they can try to mold you into what they want you to be.

Back when I was working from home my ex-girlfriend would guilt trip me the whole time I was working into giving her attention. These people are emotional leeches and if they can't leech off of your attention then there is a problem that needs to be fixed. Or they just leave.
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myinnertorch

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« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2020, 03:25:41 PM »

Thanks Buildingfromscratch...you are unfortunately correct. They portray themselves as victims, yet they are the ones who victimize and prey on our emotions, no wonder they are likened to being "emotional vampires"...

I remain amazed at their complete lack of empathy, compassion or the ability to see their actions for what they are, uncalled for and very hurtful.

Case in point, after three days of NC with my wife, I receive a text from my wife that my Quickpot that I had shipped in anticipation of my moving back home from working out of state had arrived. She thought I already had one of those and when I informed her that this is the one I shipped and she should use it, she quickly responded that she would put it in the basement along with the rest of my things and that the basement was overflowing and needed to be cleaned out, so she is waiting on my blessing to start that process. It's amazing that a simple "why don't you use the Quickpot to make your soups and stews" would solicit that kind of response. Why does everything they say when they are in "witch" mode have to be so mean and callous? Thankfully I am so used to it after 19+ years, most of it rolls off of my back...but c'mon a little human decency here, is that too much to ask of someone with BPD?
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Goosey
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Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 109


« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2020, 05:02:51 PM »

I read your  post and of course can relate to the “total hate discard” treatment. I find it interesting you where told kinda up front you would be discarded. Either way It’s cruel no doubt. No different in the end it’s just mentally destructive to the recipient.
   It’s like your situation skipped a step i went through. (And find myself missing sometimes.)
  Are you better off not being subjected to the hate / love light switch or is it just out of sequence and lurking?   Ugh sorry it is the weekend. But as you pointed out weekends are always(or were) the insane days. 
  I used to say it’s always Friday. And here it is. 
And I say “were” because I will fully admit I don’t miss it but maybe I do.
   Makes me a hypocrite I’m screwed up also.
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« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2020, 12:11:06 AM »

im sorry youre going through all of this, mit  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

As much as I remain committed to maintaining the marriage

are you still committed to maintaining the marriage?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
myinnertorch

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« Reply #13 on: September 23, 2020, 12:53:21 PM »

Hi Once Removed

I appreciate your kind words of understanding. After over 19 years of being in a relationship with my wife, I have remained committed to the relationship, notice how I coin the word "relationship" as opposed to "marriage", because in the end, this is what it is/was.

Actually I think the better term would be "business arrangement" since this is my wife's fourth marriage, she has three children from three of the four marriages, including mine and each of the preceding marriages lasted from 6 months to 5 years. There is a discernable pattern with her, moving from marriage to marriage, much like a lot of the people write about their partners discarding them as they move seamlessly from one relationship to another.

Unfortunately this time I think we are done, as there have been many other times that we were "done" only for me to, like the Dutch Boy, put my finger in the dyke to hold back the inevitable flood of divorce. She filed for divorce and haphazardly tried serving me through Certified Mail/Restricted Delivery as I am working out of town. The Postal Service in their wisdom just put the envelope in the mailbox with not having me sign the return receipt. That foiled that attempt. Now she has requested I file for separation or divorce, my choice and serve her. Best as I can tell is she wants the divorce settled quickly (in my state it only takes 60 days uncontested) so she can move on when she finds another host (husband #5). This way we are done and she can move on unencumbered and not in her words "be held hostage". Of course she will remain in the house for now and allow me to continue to support her financially which I have done throughout our marriage.

Sad to state those facts, but that is the way it is. Having the wool pulled from my eyes is blinding. Like many on this site, you see it coming, you experience it, you live it, you know it, but when they blindside you it still hurts to the core, especially when they go NC (a week and counting now except for a few texts) and leave you in the dark. 

I like to think that this emotional cruelty and abuse is not purposeful on their part, but to be honest, I am not sure. They must in some measure understand the pain they inflict, or maybe because most have not learned empathy or compassion, they don't...it's imposed with no guilt or feeling. Unlike a lot of others who report on behaviors that are inflicted and then followed with apologies...that has never happened in my case. When events occur, when abuse is inflicted by her it is never followed with an apology or acknowledgement. She is never wrong...never responsible for anything.

Onward and upward!
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TrulyMadlyDeeply

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« Reply #14 on: September 23, 2020, 02:58:13 PM »

Nope. There isn't human decency here. It's about THEM. How they feel, what they want.

Otherwise, my husband wouldn't have moved us out here, gone on a business trip six days after we relocated, and took a random woman from one of his Fet apps out to a $204 dinner, then a $130 Von Maur shopping trip. He wouldn't have lied and stayed an extra night, shelling out money for a hotel and a plane ticket home.

And he wouldn't have spent $1995 total over a period of three weeks, sending her things he ordered from various sites.

And he wouldn't have bought her something the day of our closing, telling me he was going to get me something, but "ran out of time."

While I'm sure it sucks to deal with all of that suddenness, at the same time, you don't have to guard your words during a conversation while you 1. try to find a job during a pandemic, 2. figure out where the heck you should even live, and 3. deal with kids elearning who miss "home." You aren't trapped, at least. I can say I had plenty of good times mixed in there, as well as our two sons, so I am sorry to hear that your daughter is the only bright spot. But she's still a bright spot!

I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone. But I also can't imagine not having these two boys. Focus on that. At 15, it's not many more years before your daughter can make her own decisions and choices about how she wants to live her life (and who she wants to spend time with). That's something.

Just remember it's never about you. Whatever she says, whatever she does, it has nothing to do with you.

Find a good therapist with BPD relationship experience. It will change your life and your outlook. With so many on video calls, it couldn't be easier to connect either.

Start documenting when your wife acts out. Resist the impulse to join in her games. It will help YOUR mental health.

And hang in there. We all get it. But as I've seen on here, it does get better when you finally get away. I *know* I deserve better. I'm a good wife. I should be with someone who deserves my attention and fills ME back up, not someone who would take someone else out on a fancy date DURING A PANDEMIC, while their spouse is unpacking a house. We didn't spend quite that much on dinner for our anniversary last year (15 years).

Leave the raging to them. It's what they do best. You can move on and find happiness elsewhere.

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