Filed for divorce Part 5

[stolencrumbs]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=346522.30

Done. Judge signed the temporary order today. She should be served tomorrow or Wednesday. Very mixed emotions about it, but definitely feel like it is what I needed to do.

[formflier]

 

Can you do something extra special for you today/tomorrow?  Let us know what it is.

Special meal...something.

We are rooting for you.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Good that you did this. Of course it feels overwhelming, but you’ve been dealing with the emotional chaos for so long, just changing the pattern has got to feel strange.

I agree with FF. Do something really nice for yourself. Get together with friends. Play music. Relax. Go for a hike. Do something you have wanted to do for a long time.   

[GaGrl]

Now that you have the OP, don't be the one to cave in and break it.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm proud of you!

You will have mixed emotions but this is a big step towards creating a space for yourself where you can get some peace and let your overworked nervous system calm down.

Does the temporary order have the same terms as the regular one will once there is a hearing?

FYI it might be good to have a friend or other emotional support person with you or at least on hand to call on the day of the hearing. It's a little unnerving to have to be in court with the person you're asking to be protected from.

[stolencrumbs]

Thanks to everyone. Sincerely. The support I get here is huge for me.

I'm going to wait until she is served to treat myself to anything. Currently, it just feels heartbreaking. It feels like doing exactly what she has always accused me of doing--of abandoning her and just wiping my hands of her. And I know she is going to be devastated when she is served, and likely to have a panic attack. And I'm the one who has always been there for that. I don't know what she'll do, but I know she will feel even more intensely alone, and that breaks my heart. There is a really wonderful person in there who just wants to have a normal life. She just lacks the skills to maintain that kind of life. I hope this will be the "bottom" for her, and she can start doing things she needs to do to help herself. But it is going to be really hard for her, and I hate that.

On the other hand, I'm pretty excited to not keep playing the same role. My thoughts still go to how she will react, but then I think, well, I don't have to be in charge of handling the fallout of what is a consequence of doing what she's done. I don't have to think about trying to explain to her why I did this. I don't have to figure out how to try to make her feel better about it. I don't have to worry about listening to the rage all night long. That's done, and that feels liberating.

Redeemed, yes, the temporary order is exactly the same as it will be after the hearing, at least in terms of the conduct it prohibits. My lawyer's plan is to talk to her lawyer after she is served and tell him that we will just keep the temporary order in place throughout the divorce and avoid going to court and getting a final order. I don't know if she will agree to that, but she should. The temporary order does not show up on background checks and doesn't carry a criminal penalty if she violates it. So she should have an incentive to avoid the hearing and final order. But if she violates it, and I suspect she will, then we will go to court. That's the plan, at least.

I really hope she is served today. Currently, she is still being apologetic and telling me she is really trying, and asking me to please talk to her and come over and see her. I just need it all to stop.   

[formflier]

So she should have an incentive to avoid the hearing and final order. But if she violates it, and I suspect she will, then we will go to court. That's the plan, at least.
 

This seems wise.

I also think this is good for your outlook.   Now it's not YOU doing things to her, you have been generous and made her a nice offer, SHE has chosen to take on the consequence (although she might not see it that way).


Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

There is a really wonderful person in there who just wants to have a normal life. She just lacks the skills to maintain that kind of life. I hope this will be the "bottom" for her, and she can start doing things she needs to do to help herself. But it is going to be really hard for her, and I hate that.

I’m going to push back on this thought, stolencrumbs.

This is the essence of what has kept you stuck in this abusive limbo for so many years, and it is the same pattern that afflicts so many members here.

Yes, she may have been a “wonderful person” when you first got together and you may have seen glimpses of that person from time to time in recent years.

But how do you decide that someone is “wonderful”? Is it by their values? The way they see and appreciate what you do for them? By how they treat you as a loving partner? By their commitment to truth and honesty? The way they take responsibility for their behavior and choices?

As an outside observer who has followed your story for years, I wonder what you perceive in her that has led you to continue to believe that her good qualities can be awakened from their dormancy.

I know that sounds harsh, and I can empathize from my own previous experience in extracting myself from a violent and chaotic marriage. But I think someone needs to say that you have extended so much compassion to her at your own expense, over and over and over.

That leads to my following question. Are you ready to begin to treat yourself well, the way you would want others to treat you?

[stolencrumbs]

I’m going to push back on this thought, stolencrumbs.

This is the essence of what has kept you stuck in this abusive limbo for so many years, and it is the same pattern that afflicts so many members here.

Yes, she may have been a “wonderful person” when you first got together and you may have seen glimpses of that person from time to time in recent years.

But how do you decide that someone is “wonderful”? Is it by their values? The way they see and appreciate what you do for them? By how they treat you as a loving partner? By their commitment to truth and honesty? The way they take responsibility for their behavior and choices?

As an outside observer who has followed your story for years, I wonder what you perceive in her that has led you to continue to believe that her good qualities can be awakened from their dormancy.

I know that sounds harsh, and I can empathize from my own previous experience in extracting myself from a violent and chaotic marriage. But I think someone needs to say that you have extended so much compassion to her at your own expense, over and over and over.

That leads to my following question. Are you ready to begin to treat yourself well, the way you would want others to treat you?

That's fair. I think I probably put it badly. "Wonderful" is probably not the right word. I don't think there's some little wonderful person in there trying to get out. She's not two different people. She's the good and the bad. It's all her, and there is plenty of bad. I think a more accurate way to express it is to say that I do have a tremendous amount of sympathy for her. And that did probably keep me in this way too long, though I think whatever need I have to be a caretaker was the stronger factor for me. Anyway, if I were directing the movie, I would not cast her as the villain. She is complicated and just plain unable to get out of her own way, and there are plenty of understandable reasons (not excuses) for that. None of it changes whether we should be together or whether I should put up with abuse. I shouldn't. But it does make me sad for her. Maybe anger will come, but so far, pretty much everything I've done has been more in sorrow than in anger.

On the last question, probably not. But I'm going to work on it. I think the first step is to just remember that I am a human being that exists outside of the constant crisis that has characterized my life for many years. Then I'll worry about treating that person well.

[stolencrumbs]

She was served yesterday. It's been a good day today. Opened my own account. Put the insurance money for my truck in it. Got a duplicate title for the insurance company. Got a PO box. And I talked with my boss and everything seems fine on that front. Now safely sitting outside having my favorite beer at my favorite brewery that I haven't been to in months. A good day.

[Cat Familiar]

 Good for you that you’re taking steps to get your life in order. You’ve had so little time for yourself for so long.

It will be a very good, but foreign experience to no longer be subjected to terrorizing phone calls, texts, and emails.

How will you put that free time to use?

You deserve clemency and you’ve finally granted that to yourself.