How does having a BPD parent affect your marriage?

[Cheryl55]

Right now in therapy, we’re thinking through how my uBPD mother, and my childhood trauma from it,  impacts my ability to have a good relationship with my husband.  We tend to bicker, and sometimes have fights where we yell and call each other names.  I’m guessing that having grown up in a house where fights were resolved by yelling and name calling, it makes sense that’s my go to response.  And the fact that I have trouble apologizing now bc when I was a kid, I was forced to apologize to my mom even when she was in a rage and at fault. 

Is this common for kid’s raised by BPD mothers?

My therapist wants me to think through how I feel when I fight with my husband and what I can do to control it.  But I guess I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to control it and not feel slighted, angry, dismisses, etc.  thoughts?

[JNChell]

It’s very common. You have trouble apologizing. That is mind bending for the people that deserve it. If you want to beat a person down, do a wrong, and never apologize for it. I don’t think that you’re that person. Apologizing is a very big deal.

What do you want to see happen?

[Notwendy]

Having a BPD parent affects an entire family. You learned certain behaviors as a child in order to adapt/survive, but then when we take these behaviors into other relationships, they are maladaptive. Yes, they feel "normal" to us if that is what we grew up with, but if they are causing issues, we can also learn to replace them with new behaviors that serve us better.

It's good that you are working on this. Please don't see this as anything being "wrong " with you. My mom has BPD and she believes that any issues are not her fault but someone else's. Your willingness to look at your own family background and make positive changes is a positive thing.

While most relationships are a two way issue, the only person we can change is us - so starting with you is a good step. It may take some work to learn new relationship patterns but it can be done, in time and it's a good thing to do for yourself as it will help in all your relationships- with your spouse, family members, friends, work, as well.

[GeekyGirl]

Cheryl55, I'm so glad to hear that you're in therapy and working on your relationship with your husband. That's a great way to learn about yourself and help you pick up some good tools for communication. 

Is this common for kid’s raised by BPD mothers?

To answer your question, having a parent with BPD can have an effect on your marriage for sure. We picked up habits as children that can be difficult to lose or re-train as adults--but, the good news is that we can be aware of how having a parent w/BPD affected us and work to modify those behaviors or effectively deal with our fears. 

Self awareness is critical. Once you recognize your own behavior patterns, you can then work on how to deal with them constructively. You're doing the right thing by asking questions, looking at yourself, and enlisting the help of someone who can guide you.

[Methuen]

My therapist wants me to think through how I feel when I fight with my husband and what I can do to control it.  But I guess I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to control it and not feel slighted, angry, dismisses

My thought is that any change with how we navigate relationships is going to have to come from within us.  Not our mother (or our husband).  If we learned maladaptive coping mechanisms from our childhood, then we can unlearn them too if we want to and are willing to put the time into it.  I'm wondering if you have thought about CBT?  I ask because my T recommended a workbook called "Mind over Mood, Second Edition : Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think", and it has really helped me.  CBT is evidence based, and it works. I am now able to manage my thoughts and feelings when my mom says or behaves a certain way, and respond in much healthier ways than I used to.  It's been very helpful for me, as has learning about BPD and practicing the tools this website offers.  I guess I'm trying to give you hope that there are things within your control that you can do to help yourself feel  better, and which also serve to improve our relationship skills.

[Turkish]

After we split, my ex said that her penchant to criticize, blame and tear down came from what she grew up with watching her parents do so to each other.  Parents are truly models for their children.  I was raised by a single mother so i had no idea. 

[GeekyGirl]

CBT is evidence based, and it works. I am now able to manage my thoughts and feelings when my mom says or behaves a certain way, and respond in much healthier ways than I used to.  It's been very helpful for me, as has learning about BPD and practicing the tools this website offers. 

Same here. What T taught me was to recognize my own reactions and deal with them constructively, rather than attempt to change my mother's behavior.