My sister - BPD?

[Lucky83]

Hello, and thanks in advance to anyone who may answer me. Here is the “short“ version of my sister’s story.

My sister first had mental health trouble at age 19, after she suffered a physical trauma and developed PTSD. She then did well for several years, graduated from college and graduate school, and moved to a foreign country. She lived there for seven years, and was mostly okay, but there were signs of emotional instability when she visited home and when others visited her. She dated several men, at least two of whom were abusive. Ultimately, she found someone who appeared to be very patient, kind, and incredibly even-tempered. They married and moved back to our hometown, where my parents and I also live. A year and a half later, their daughter was born. My sister suffered from physical complications and was treated for postpartum depression. During the course of that treatment, her husband and my mother both learned that my sister had at some point been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My sister told my mom not to reveal this diagnosis to anyone, but my mom hinted at it strongly enough that my husband and I guessed it.

We all tried to support my sister in various ways in the next few years, but clearly we didn’t do enough (or maybe there was nothing we really could do), because before long the whole family fell apart. My sister’s demeanor changed dramatically in the fall of 2017. She would swing rapidly from feeling fantastic, talking a mile a minute about how wonderful her life and all the people in it were, to the next day becoming argumentative and accusatory, not letting anyone get a word in. She changed her diet, clothing, hairstyle, what types of soap and detergent were acceptable, what lightbulbs she could tolerate, and stopped being willing to use cell phones or cordless phones. A couple of coworkers (at two different places) had been sexually harassing her, and she was deeply troubled by this, as it brought back past experiences. Then she had a couple of conflicts with health and fitness professionals. And then she had an enormous problem with her in-laws, who arrived from a foreign country to visit their son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter, and found that their daughter-in-law had decided that they could not be allowed to have contact with their granddaughter until they went to family therapy with their son to resolve their unresolved issues. Next, my sister called the police on her husband to claim that he was threatening her (the police did not arrest him and he was not charged with anything), and then when my parents questioned her version of events, she cut off contact with my parents and stopped allowing them to see their granddaughter. All of that happened in a period of about three months. After various ups and downs with all of these family members over the next couple of years, and another episode where her demeanor and appearance suddenly shifted, we have now arrived at a point where my sister has had no contact with anyone in her family for several months, except for supervised visits with her daughter. As part of her divorce, her soon-to-be-ex-husband arranged for a mental health evaluation of her. She told the evaluator that her husband and my mom had both abused her and fabricated her bipolar diagnosis, and that her recent unstable behavior was the result of being abused by her husband and not being supported by her family. The evaluator spoke to my mom and me and treated us with extreme skepticism. He concluded that my sister has no mental illness, and that she was abused by her husband and my mom. Based on the details I have heard, I think it was an unhealthy marriage primarily because of my sister’s problems, and although her husband doesn’t deserve an A+ for his handling of the situation, he doesn’t deserve to be the pariah that my sister demanded her family to make him, either. Similarly, my mom has made mistakes as a parent, but I don’t believe that those mistakes mean that she should be shunned as an abusive parent, despite all the other encouragement, advice, shared laughter, commiseration, support, etc., over the years. And yet, now we have a mental health professional who has determined that her husband’s abuse and her family’s lack of support are enough to explain my sister’s unstable behavior in the spring of this year (which included inviting individuals who were living in a homeless encampment and who had drug problems to come and stay in her home with her five-year-old daughter, as well as insisting that her daughter urinate outside in the yard even though she was uncomfortable doing so, when other people were around).

My mom and I have both been reading about BPD for some time, and believe that it could be the true source of all this chaos. We had hoped the evaluator would recommend treatment for BPD, or bipolar, or PTSD, or something! But instead it appears that, after all of us sticking our necks out to get this evaluation to happen, the result is that the evaluator validated her feelings that we are to blame for all her troubles.

So, now I’m the one seeking validation. Is it possible that the evaluator got it wrong? Can anyone relate to this?

To anyone who has read all of this, thank you.

[JNChell]

It sounds like your sister is very unwell. I couldn’t help but notice that I didn’t see a lot of concern for her in your post. Did I read it wrong? I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. What are your concerns for her? Do you want to help her?

[missing NC]

Yes, Lucky83, I can relate though I dearly wish I could not.  Allegations of abuse are commonplace with BPD.  You brother-in-law needs to read Splitting and get an attorney who understands dealing with high conflict individuals in divorce and custody cases.  It is in his best interest to attempt to correct the record with the evaluator to the extent that he can offer proof of your sister's previous diagnoses and behavior.  Getting her to see your sister's personality disorder for what it is may be difficult or impossible at this point.  In my experience, those who come to the aid of pwPBDs in saving them from their alleged "abusers" really do mean well but are swayed by the pwBPD's overwhelming emotion and conviction.  There is a very real danger that your brother-in-law or other members of your family will also be accused of child abuse if the custody issue becomes contentious. 

I have written about my sister's abuse of our family through multiple false allegations on other threads.  So I won't repeat those horror stories here, but you can click on any poster's name to read their previous posts.  I wish you and your family strength in the months and years ahead. 

[JNChell]

I find a very small, but interesting statement here. She moved to another country and seemed to be doing fine. When she came back to the hometown, she spiraled. Do you see any correlations or possible significance in that?

[Lucky83]

Thank you for your responses.

JNChell, you asked some questions, so I am responding. I will respond to your second question first, because it was about the past. You're right that I said she seemed to be doing pretty well while she was living in another country. I think it seemed that way to me partly because I just wasn't having a lot of contact with her during that time. We would email, she would come home for Christmas some years, but I wasn't there for the day-to-day. Sometimes during her visits home, her behavior seemed a little eccentric, but I never saw her in full crisis mode, the way I have seen her after she moved back here. Again, I think that has to do with proximity, but there is also an element of being back here with our parents nearby, and the conflicts with them (and with me) just run deeper than conflicts with the people who were around her when she was far from home. And those deep conflicts must have been triggers that contributed to her most alarming instability. So you're right, there is a connection.

You also asked whether I am concerned for my sister and whether I want to help her. When I wrote this post, I was mostly concerned with my own disappointment at the result of the mental health evaluation. There are several reasons for this disappointment - it doesn't feel good to be told that I am in cahoots with abusive people who are hurting my sister (and therefore I'm basically abusing her myself) when I actually love her and want her to have a good life; I am grieving the loss of the relationship we once had; I feel sad for my kids growing up in a family that has this terrible rift in it; I am worried that without proper treatment my sister will put herself and her daughter in danger at some point in the future. If I try focusing on her feelings rather than my own, I think I can imagine how she would feel after having the mental health evaluator validate her belief that her family and her ex are all conspiring against her. It must be very painful to hold these beliefs about her family, but at the same time, I think she has chosen to hold these beliefs and seek out validation of them because they are somehow better than the alternative (that she has a serious mental health disorder that is not being properly treated). So, I think that right now she is feeling relieved that she has "won" and gotten the evaluator to see things her way, and in that sense I am not too concerned. I am almost happy for her, if that makes sense. If there is some possibility that she can move on and find support from people other than her family and live a stable life, then I truly hope that happens. I worry that it will not happen, and that she will have other episodes of poor judgment and they will lead to terrible consequences for her, but if and when that happens I will just have to see what kind of help I can provide for her. At this moment, while she is firm in her belief that her family's attempts to help her were actually a conspiracy to harm her, I am not going to get anywhere with her. She is not asking for support from me right now; she is asking that I allow her to "lead a more private life," so that is what I'm doing.

Every time I think about the evaluator's report, I have a sinking feeling for all the reasons mentioned above. And yet, I am trying to remind myself that I only did what I thought I needed to do, in order to prevent my niece from having to go back to my sister when she seemed incapable of using good judgment. Within the past week, my sister's ex learned some details that have helped reassure me that it was the right call. We learned that a neighbor, who had not come forward previously, witnessed my sister being involved in a physical fight with one of the homeless individuals who she had invited to stay with her. My sister asked the neighbor to take pictures of the bruises she got from that altercation (for what purpose, I don't know). It is so awful to know that this happened to my sister, and that she didn't tell any of us and didn't feel like she could turn to us for support. She is now living somewhere else, so I think that the immediate danger is behind her. I remain glad that we were able to get my niece out of there.

[JNChell]

Do you want to help her? If so, how do you think that you can accomplish that?

It sounds like the proximity does affect her. Why do you think it does?

Why do you think it’s hard for her  to talk to the immediate family about the issues she is fielding?