Caught in the middle

[Garnet]

My sister and I moved back home shortly before COVID. We live with my stepdad and my mom. On the surface, things are fine, but about a week or two ago, my sister exploded and I was caught in the middle between my mom and sister.

For context, my sister has shared with me that she has borderline. We both have issues with anxiety and to a lesser degree depression - there’s a family history of depression on our dad’s side. I have ADHD, which I have been diagnosed with for over a decade - I’ve been taking medication for it for over a decade as well. Everyone here is an adult.

My sister has always had issues with anger even as a child. She didn’t receive a borderline diagnosis until she was an adult. She probably could be called “high-functioning,” and that makes things even harder.

While I was away at my boyfriend’s house, and my mom and stepdad were on a trip, she had her friends stay over and they slept in my bed, and my mom/stepdad’s bed. She didn’t change the sheets or anything before they got back.

My mom vented to me about it. She was so upset by it (understandably) that I thought my sister and her had had an argument about it. I asked my sister about it, and told her how upset Mom had been. They hadn’t fought about it after all. IMO Mom didn’t want to upset my sister by sharing her feelings even though she had every right to be upset and to let her know that.

To my sister, Mom sharing how hurt she was with me is proof that Mom always has huge feelings and that Mom is emotionally abusive. When Mom wanted to talk about trying a different chore system, my sister took that as she is being very controlling, she’s always been so controlling.

A couple days after, I drove my sister to help her run an errand. She blew up again about Mom. She said that if she can’t leave, she will kill herself. She didn’t give a timeline, but I’m taking this seriously.

I was exhausted and I let myself sob it out. When I talked to my boyfriend about what had happened, he was shocked at the level of disrespect she had showed. I took his advice and talked to my mom one-on-one the next day.

I talked to my mom, and it clarified some things that I had suspected - things that seemed like a big deal to her were small requests that aren’t meant to be emotional slights or to have any deeper, sinister meaning. My mom wants her to stay here and learn how to better handle relationships. She thinks my sister would be better off learning this here than out in the world. I didn’t tell my mom about my sister’s suicidal thoughts, because I wanted to respect my sister’s wishes not to share it - and I don’t want to be at the receiving end of her rage. As far as I can tell, everyone in the household except for my sister is willing to do family therapy.

I have bought a couple books on borderline to educate myself further - one of the books is how I found this forum, actually. I’ve only just started reading these books.

If you made it this far, thank you for listening. What are your thoughts on the situation?

[JNChell]

It sounds like you and your sister have a bit of a bond going on. You all have bonded. These disorders don’t typically manifest out of healthy childhoods. It’s great that your partner is receptive and supportive, but you and your sister didn’t end up with ADHD and BPD for no reason. It just doesn’t happen that way. Looking beyond what you know, what could have possibly caused these things in the two of you? I’m diagnosed with C-PTSD. I’m not talking crap.

[Garnet]

It’s a good question, how much does trauma play a role in my sister’s and my mental health. My sister and I have a good relationship now, but that has not always been the case. We have had moments of closeness throughout our childhood, but I never really felt like I got along with her until about 4 years ago. Most of that time where our relationship improved both of us were out of the house and doing our own thing. Physical distance helped.

My parents divorced when my sister was 9 and I was 13. Looking back, I think the relationship between my parents while they were married was more destructive than either individual parent. When I was younger though, I dichotomized them more. I saw my mom as warm, comforting, supportive, predictable in enforcing rules, and willing to have some flexibility. I saw my dad as fun-loving, a jokester, irritating, embarrassing, sometimes cold or aloof, unpredictable in enforcing rules, and sometimes very spontaneous. My sister, myself, and briefly the dog, went back and forth between my mom and dad’s house every week. I couldn’t handle it to the point where when I started 9th grade, I realized that I couldn’t even remember the year before. My sister told me that she wrote a suicide note and had shown it to dad - so at age 9 or 10.

My sister saw Mom and Dad differently. She saw Mom as strict, controlling, harsh, judgmental, unreasonable in her demands, nit-picky, uptight, and abusive. She saw Dad as flexible, fun, caring, non-judgmental, anxious but not malicious, and someone she felt comfortable speaking to.

My sister has been prone to explosive anger, even when she was a young child when my parent’s relationship was relatively good. And I have struggled with ADHD since I was young as well. I do think there are some genetics at play, but I think the trauma we went through made it worse.

There’s no way for me to really know, but I think it’s possible that my sister wouldn’t have borderline if it weren’t for the way that my parent’s relationship and divorce had played out. I think I would have had ADHD regardless, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the symptoms would be lesser, or if I would’ve had a healthier mental health profile overall.

Thanks for asking, JNChell.

[JNChell]

Physical distance makes a lot of sense. I’m not coming from a BPD perspective, this is typically helpful regardless of that. A space to live that can provide a space to talk and catch up on life events. No uncomfortable silences when we get together. That weird silence is the worst.

Your sister is diagnosed? You have ADHD. In the grand scheme of things, and the things that neither of you can change, there might be a positive hidden in there somewhere. ADHD is very manageable.BPD is a tougher cookie. It can take 7-8 years to effectively treat by a therapist that specializes in the disorder. What your sister has on her side is you. The success rate of treating BPD relies heavily on outside support. They can’t do it alone. Mentally, in emotional aspects, they’re children so it makes sense.

You know, my parents should’ve divorced. The damage they caused by staying together was unnecessary. Not just to Sis and I, but to themselves. They both died in their 60’s.

Maybe your Sis felt like a scapegoat during childhood. I don’t think that things like that are made up while being raised. I think that unhealthy thinking, self identity and bad behavior can follow a train of thought like that into adulthood. Arrested development.

You obviously love your sister and care about her well being. She has accepted her dx and she knows your’s. I imagine that there is a certain amount of trust there. 7-8 years is a long time. Can you help her through this? So many people demonize the disorder. I understand to an extent, but the name calling and characterizations become immature at a certain point. You’re not doing that, I’m just stating a point.

Issues like this are plaguing society. We have to figure out to help them. Please keep your post going.

[Garnet]

Thank you again for your thoughtful reply! Yes, I really want to help her without enabling her, call out her misbehavior without being mean, and point out places where borderline is showing without stigmatizing her or borderline. I believe it has only been about 2 years since she found out she had borderline.

My sister is diagnosed. It’s kind of incredible, because she got the diagnosis on her own. She saw a therapist for a bit, and then declared that she was done with therapy. The trouble is that the hardest part about borderline is how it affects relationships, and by only doing one-on-one therapy, she missed that huge piece. She is really certain that Mom has borderline too and that Mom is abusive. Mom isn’t perfect, but I don’t really see abuse or borderline in her. My grandmother shows ADHD traits (never diagnosed, but IMO she has it), and my mom felt like she grew up in chaos as a result. She has a bit of a type A personality from that, I believe.

When my sister and I were younger, I would have a lot of trouble keeping track of things. Mom was a huge help in reminding me to do simple tasks or chores around the house. My mind was pretty flighty as a kid. My sister was better in keeping on task, and I’m certain she was annoyed when Mom slipped into the same habit with her that she had with me.

I want to reiterate this because it’s important. I really do not want to stigmatize my sister’s mental illness. I personally have felt a lot of stigmatization of my mental illness, and the last thing I want to do is perpetuate stigmatization of another mental illness.

[JNChell]

Maybe your sister had a different experience with your mom. It definitely happens. I congratulate you for sticking by her. The disorder has a huge stigma. Yes, it’s a serious condition, but the stigma causes more anxiety for the people that have the disorder. It simply doesn’t help them.

Getting that diagnosis and running away from it is common. They run away from a lot of things. Simple conversations can cause that and we don’t see or hear from them for days.

If your sister stays in therapy. It takes 7-8 years to learn how to manage BPD.  That’s a long time. She has 2 years under her health. Can you stick beside her for the next 5-6 years?

[Garnet]

I’ll try my best, but who knows what 5-6 years will bring, plus I don’t want to sacrifice my own mental health if things deteriorate.

[JNChell]

You’re right. Don’t compromise yourself. Set boundaries that protect you and your family. Also, don’t feel obligated. I was just throwing that out there. If you don’t want to, that doesn’t mean that you don’t care, it just means that she’s not your responsibility. And she isn’t. It read like you really care about her.

If you decide to stick it out with your Sis, you have to put yourself first at all times. That’s for your mental health.

This community is full of resources that will help you support your sister. You just have to look around. Every board has a lot of knowledge and many folks in different stages of simply trying to understand.