Advice about setting boundaries with my BDP mum

[Jaja]

Hi group,

I am the adult daughter to a mum who I believe has BPD. I have known for years that she suffered depression, and I thought her depression presented as anger. In fact, as a teenager I became unnerved when she stopped being abusive and started behaving meekly. I've always tried to show compassion and understanding to mum because I think she truly believes what she says, and I also think that her understanding of the way the world works is very "young". The relationship with my mother is completely one sided. I no longer want anything to do with her, but I worry about her wellbeing, and so for years I have continued contact.

This year was the first time I decided to state clearly to mum that her behaviour was not appropriate. My little sister got married in Feb. We both tried to account for all possible triggers for mum. Unfortunately (and predictably) we weren't successful. Mum screemed at me and sent my sister and I multiple abusive texts during the wedding. Over the years these types of outbursts have followed a predictable pattern:
- Mum yells
- mum spends time not speaking to us (usually only a few days and it is always nice because it is a break)
- mum calls and continues a conversation as if nothing happened
- I don't bother bringing up the conflict because our relationship has deteriorated to the point that there is nothing to resolve.

However, after the wedding, I decided to attempt to set boundaries. Mum called three days later for a general chat. I said to her that I understood the wedding could have been hard for her, but that the way she behaved was inappropriate. I said that I was happy to continue speaking to her if she was willing to appologise. She did not appologise, so, for the first time in my life, I enjoyed 7 peaceful months of no contact.

I didn't intend to write so much in this post. I guess I just wanted to provide some context. I'd love some advice about how to set healthy boundaries-this is all very new to me! I have a 13 month old daughter. I do not want my daughter to think that mum's behaviour is normal or excusable, but I also do not want to prevent my mum from experiencing the joy of being a grandma. Any tips from people who have had similar experiences would be amazing!

Thanks!

[Turkish]

Hello Jaja,



Her behavior may have been inappropriate, but consider:

The Idea of "Setting Boundaries" is Misleading
The terminology of "setting boundaries" is misleading and often mistaken to mean "giving an ultimatum." It is true that issuing ultimatums can be part of this life skill and at times, very necessary, however it's only one aspect of this life skill.

When we speak of the boundaries we are really speaking about our personal values and our need to get them in focus and live with more conviction. This is a lifestyle, not a quick fix to an interpersonal squabble.

This is an important point that is often overlooked.

From here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

There is a link to a detailed discussion at the end. 

The conflict around the wedding sounds stressful. Regarding your child, I feel that your nuclear family is your primary family and deserve to be protected. That in combination with honoring elationships with our parents is a common struggle for us here. 

It's been 7 months of NC. Neither of you have reached out since then? What about your sister?

[zachira]

I am sad to hear about how your mother with BPD treats you. You would like some advice on setting boundaries with her. My mother with BPD died a year ago. The one boundary that worked with my mom was having people around that mom wanted to look good in front of and then she acted pretty normal. In private, I had many of the challenges with my mother that you are describing here.

[SteelGeraniums]

One thing that has helped me in boundary setting is to focus on avoiding FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt. Any time I feel bad about creating a boundary, I ask myself if that is because I'm feeling afraid (of what my pwBPD will say or do), obligated (to help, to be there, to have her in my life, to include her in my family life), or guilty (about not being able to help, about letting her down).

Like Turkish said, boundaries are about core values. First, decide what those are for you - peaceful conversation, stability for you daughter, etc. Then set boundaries that honor those values.

[Canine Mom]

Hi Jaja,

So sorry to hear about your difficulties with Mum.  My BPD Mother died a few years ago, but still remember how unnerving to deal with her.  She was elderly and I was the primary person who took who to the doctor and the like.

I think two things helped me cope.

First, remember that you can’t expect normal behavior from your Mum.  We are conditioned to expect others to be nice if we are nice.  Often not true with BPD family members.  Not expecting normal behavior seemed to help me.

Second, remember you don’t have to continue to “take it”.  On the phone, don’t be afraid to say “I am not going to listen to this, so I am hanging up”.  If in her presence, say “I am not going to listen to this, so I am leaving”.  On trips to the doctor, I would sometimes say “if you don’t stop, I am pulling over and calling a cab to take you home”.  And be prepared to do it.  

Hope this helps.

[Jaja]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I'm sorry to hear that you lost your mums Canine Mom and zachira.

Your comments about avoiding fear, obligation and guilt really resonates with me SteelGeraniums. I still very much struggle with all three of these feelings when it comes to interactions with mum. I think these three drivers have dictated my relationship with mum all of my life up until this year (although, I still feel very guilty about the impact that my change in approach this year has had on mum).

Thank you for sharing the link about setting boundaries Turkish. I definitely do not want to give mum any ultimatums. I feel quite confident that I have spoken respectfully to mum over the years and I certainly don't want to swing too far in the other direction by becoming confrontational. I guess I'm just, for the first time in my life, considering or hoping for the possibility that I could be able to have a relationship with my mum that isn't so governed by fear, obligation and guilt. I'm also considering what changes I can make to encourage that.

Thanks again everyone.

[stargazer95]

hi,

I am in the same boat as you. An adult daughter of BPD mother and have two young children. I also went NC with my mom since last year and am now reaching out to her to see if we can resume relationship if she's able to respect my requests for our contact. Over the last year, I have come to accept, with a lot of sadness, that I will never have a healthy relationship with my mother. The fact is that she is not well, will not go to therapy and I am no longer willing to compensate for her emotional problems so she is struggling now because her crutch, me, is gone. My mom also went through depresssion and I helped her and even in her marriage, often was between her and my stepdad. It was exhausting but now I feel so relieved that this is actually no longer my duty, and in fact, it never should have been.I am not responsible for the choices my mother makes. I am responsible for my children and husband and myself. Their wellbeing is my first priority.

How do you envision where you want your relationship be with her? You mentioned you don't want it to be dominated by guilt. I totally understand that.

I hope you find the space you need to heal and focus on your life. It sounds like you really have tried and done a lot for your mom.

All the best,
Pegah