Latrodge
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 17
|
 |
« Reply #31 on: October 16, 2020, 12:53:37 PM » |
|
Serenity
I posted about a year ago about my 30 year marriage to my BPDw. So many things in your story (and some of the other posts) parallel mine, and its such a long string! I just have a few comments to start:
1. We are Christians, as well. We met at church, married in the church, and were regarded as a 'Christian couple'. I also have struggled with the vows, what does 'sickness and health' mean, what is forgiveness, etc. For a long time I also thought my wife had fooled everyone. Went to Bible study, worked at church, read Bible verses to the kids, etc... and then would rage at home (using abusive and vulgar language) about family members, teachers, my kids friends (and their parents), pastors, and on and on...I thought (or chose to believe) that these outbursts were contained within our home and that no outsiders really knew what she was like. Not true. Just know that people are not as easily fooled as we think they are. Also, beware that the rank hypocrisy your kids see in her may destroy their faith - as has been mentioned previously.
2. When children are small it is somewhat easy for the BPD to manage the relationship because they have the intellectual and emotional upper hand. We have four boys, and once they hit the teen years and began to question her actions, recognize something was 'off', and think for themselves, it changed. She became very adversarial towards them. Your son may be the Golden Child now, but I would expect that ultimately she will treat him just like your daughters once he hits adolescence and begins pushing back.
3. I wondered what was going on for a long time - about 20 years in my case. I questioned her about possibly being bi-polar in a series of letters starting in about 2009. Once I became aware of BPD in about 2012 (through the help of my sister and SIL), I thought that it would help my wife to get better, knowing what it was. It didn't. The realization that something was 'wrong' with her only led to alcohol abuse, more outrageous and violent acting out, and several run-ins with the law. The last 5 years have been something I never could have imagined. Pushing back and pointing out the truth can create a very adversarial relationship between you and her over time. Ours ended up with her attacking me last year and being arrested for domestic violence. Hope is not a strategy, as they say.
4. It seems you are doing a great job of communicating with your kids. They need to know they aren't crazy, and that you see what they see. They need to know your motives and why you are doing what you are doing - because eventually they will question you. Be as honest as possible, as it seems you are. I was able to manage around the issue until our youngest was 18 and custody was off the table, but he saw a lot of really weird stuff from her that I wish he hadn't seen. I worked out of town a lot and really only saw her on weekends. Whether consciously or not, I regularly chose jobs that kept me away. This was great for me, and I truly believe it preserved the marriage, but in hindsight I'm not sure leaving them in her care for that long was good for them. The relationship between her and our kids is strained and likely will always be. They simply don't trust her. But be careful. Once it becomes you and them against her, it creates its own set of problems - you will become emotionally in the middle.
5. I'm still not sure if staying was the right thing, and I completely understand your dilemma. I had a similar revelation in 2016 when I met with an attorney after she went through rehab. Alimony, child support, 50/50 custody with an unstable person... those are all real issues. Is it better to stay and provide some ballast, or to leave them with her unattended half the time? It seems you believe you provide more stability being in the home rather than separating, and that's the conclusion I came to, as well. I went over this many times in my own mind over the last 5 years. But from my experience, its unlikely to get any better, Therapy or not. Once she figures out that you see her as 'defective', and are calling out her lies and outrageous behavior, and are true to yourself - and that the kids see it too - it could simply become untenable.
|
