So has anyone come across books for younger Teens to help explain Moms behavior?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So HAs anyone seen or come across books for younger Teens to help explain the Splitting, Gaslighting, and Dissociation that the kids mother experiences or directs at them. I have been talking quite a bit to my two older Daughters because they have been asking me questions.

I would love to find a book geared towards , 12 -16 years olds that can help explain things to them without going to in-depth? I just don't want all of what they are currently hearing on the subject to come from me, even though we are having shared experiences of Mommy not remembering things or saying things and then lying about them later(in the kids eyes) ?

[Serenitywithin]

So HAs anyone seen or come across books for younger Teens to help explain the Splitting, Gaslighting, and Dissociation that the kids mother experiences or directs at them. I have been talking quite a bit to my two older Daughters because they have been asking me questions.

I would love to find a book geared towards , 12 -16 years olds that can help explain things to them without going to in-depth? I just don't want all of what they are currently hearing on the subject to come from me, even though we are having shared experiences of Mommy not remembering things or saying things and then lying about them later(in the kids eyes) ?

[kells76]

Hey Serenitywithin;

This could be a place to start:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0
I can think of one title geared for kids -- "An Umbrella for Alex" -- but it may be for the 6-10 or 8-12 set, I can't remember.
Hope it gets you going as you wait for some more recommendations;

kells76

[Notwendy]

I think books about a mental illness could be helpful when there is a diagnosis and the issue is something the family is open about. From my own experience, such a book in the home would cause a huge scene. One reason your wife puts so much effort into "appearing" to be a wonderful person is due to the condition- and there is so much shame and denial with it. This is not the only condition. Something like "Daddy is a Alcoholic" might cause the same thing, unless that parent wanted to change and was in therapy or AA.

Also, managing their relationship with their mother is a constant and will change as they mature. Personally, I think rather than focus on their mother's behavior, it would help for them to have someone they can speak openly with, share their feelings, and give them suggestions for managing the behaviors as they happen.
ie "Mom and I got in an argument last night" and the person works that out with them. The only person I can think of qualified to do this with a young person would be a counselor/mental health provider. This is a safe space for them to express their reality and their feelings. They might say " I hate Mommy" and it won't be met with shock or denial, but someone could explore that with them. It might be they are trying to express frustration and grief.

A book won't be safe with them. My BPD mother went through all our belongings. One of her fears is that we were talking about her- and if she even got a feeling about it it would dysregulate her. We learned to not talk about it, as if we did, we got punished or invalidated, and people in her circle didn't believe us anyway.

[Serenitywithin]

notWendy good point.

She has had a DX but always denied it and quit therapy. She also made the comment the other day when she had pulled D12 aside and was talkign to her and I walked in the room. Later she made the comment loud enough for me to hear that she did not appreciate being spied on when talking to the kids. So you might be right. The problem is I start seeing the T again on Friday.

I have not even told her yet because I am afraid of the backlash it will create. I will also be talking to the T about how to best broach with W that both D's want to go to Counselling again. The only time anyone in the family has been was to talk about her behavior/ deal with it a couple of years back when she agreed to to go.

I can just hear the raging that she is going to start when she finds out I have been and when I tell her the the girls have asked about going back. She is going to start accusing all of us trying to leave her, and we must all think she is a horrible person if we need to go to Therapy, yada yada yada .

infact when D12 asked me when she could go I told her I would talk to mine T first and then would schedule her and appoint.  D15 was in the room and I asked her if she would also like to see the T again and she said Great that is only going to make things worse when mom finds out.  I told her to let me worry about those things and that if she felt like she needed to talk that I would make her an Appointment.

[kells76]

Serenitywithin, there may also be some books that do an "end run" around dealing with a diagnosis, and instead help the kids to deal with Mom's behavior in an indirect way. Like notwendy said, stuff with titles like "My Mom Has BPD... Help" or "Why Mom Is Crazy" probably won't be helpful -- they might fan the flames of conflict, and then your kids don't benefit.

What about getting some more generic books on boundaries for your kids? After all, you have a tween and teens. Dr Henry Cloud's book "Boundaries" is, from what I've heard, a classic. You might want to review/preview it first; some parts might not be relevant for your kids. Maybe frame it to your W as "the girls are at ages where they need X", or maybe find some common ground with your W about boys, dating, etc where you could say "I completely agree with you, the kids need to be able to assert themselves in dating situations; let's give them this book".

I know that's rather general; hopefully it opens some other paths for getting meaningful reading to your kids.

[Serenitywithin]

This whole realization of not being able to discuss the fact that I or the kids are going to Therapy, sorta makes me feel like I should not even be contemplating being able to make it work. Will it always be this way? If she does not come back around to admitting she needs help and being OK with putting a name to it can she ever actually function in this relationship or the ones with each of the children? Sorry I sometimes feel like I have not been able to be myself or share my feelings with my wife because of her reaction to things. I sometimes feel like I am missing out on a true intimate relationship that I need. Or that even if I can deal wit this , can the kids? I have a very loving set of parents and have no idea how this is effecting the kids, I could share intimate details of my life with my parents and get nothing but support when I was a kid. My kids also have this relationship with my parents and my grandparents. they are very close with my side of the family and so I know they have some support as well as some examples of good relationships. I just wonder how much they are missing out on in the mother child relationship and how much it will impact them down the road.

Sorry for the Rant but just the thought of all of these things are hitting me hard today like it is some sort of realization, however I know I have had moments of thought like these before. But I am literally crying as I type out this post and I need to reel it in before the wife and kids get home from school. Sometimes I feel like when I stop and put my thoughts together enough to type a post, that I have some of my most clarifying thoughts or moment and see things that need done or hear how badly some of these things sound or look in the form of a post, but then when My kids and my BPDw are home and it is not a moment of stress, I feel like "this is worth it" But then it goes off the rails over nothing at all...


 

[Notwendy]

I hope that by sharing my story I can give you a glimpse of what it is like from your kids' point of view and also some hope.

Yes, this is more difficult for your children but you mentioned something very important and that is your family's presence for them. My father's family also had a positive impact. Please don't underestimate that. My father also took on a larger parenting role. Perhaps it may feel "unfair" to have to do so much, but the time spent parenting builds the bonds with a child, and this also has an impact. They will experience love and support from you and other family members.

It's not easy to feel you are missing out on emotional intimacy, and it's natural to assume we need to seek this out with someone else but I think that first starts with us. One thing that stood out to me was how we can end up with dysfunctional partners, how we "match" them somehow- is it by accident or some combination of poor boundaries, enabling behaviors? One thing I did read was that if someone leaves a relationship and doesn't address that with themselves, they are more likely to repeat that pattern in the next relationship. One doesn't have to leave a relationship to do this self work- and the therapy can help with this.

What are boundaries? They are really about us, not the other person. The boundaries are really your bottom line. You may be willing to tolerate a lot, give up a lot but somethings are so important to you, they are the bottom line for you. I think pwBPD might tend to push these boundaries but also know when they have crossed the line and can't push this one. I think the therapy for you and the kids would need to be at this level. Your wife may not like it. Therapy means something is not right, things aren't perfect. She might feel threatened or shame about it. But the therapy isn't for her, it's for you and the kids.

The reason can't be about her. It needs to be framed as for you and the kids to deal with your stresses, or issues, or something. Don't lie, your wife might be the cause of them, but the therapy is to help you and the kids cope. Some things you will need to stand firm on. That's when you know it's a boundary.

[formflier]

I get the desire to explain all this to children.

I would suggest that the more important lesson is that people are different (some radically so) and it's important to consider your actions in each relationship, rather than trying to treat everyone the same.


Best,

FF