Is anyone's STBX reading Splitting?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I know my STBX is studying hard about abuse, and BPD-ish personalities. For curiosity and discussion, has anyone else got that situation?

Anyone have a partner reading - and making notes about you - in their own copy of the book Splitting?

I'm bracing for more blaming, blackmail, and getting framed.  I know I can do a lot of work on myself, but, I'm pretty sure I'm not the person STBX thinks I am.

I like irony.  Here I am. 

[SamwizeGamgee]

I know my STBX is studying hard about abuse, and BPD-ish personalities. For curiosity and discussion, has anyone else got that situation?

Anyone have a partner reading - and making notes about you - in their own copy of the book Splitting?

I'm bracing for more blaming, blackmail, and getting framed.  I know I can do a lot of work on myself, but, I'm pretty sure I'm not the person STBX thinks I am.

I like irony.  Here I am. 

[MeandThee29]

I wouldn't be surprised because he accused me of being a narcissist and all kinds of crazy. His family reinforced that idea, and he told his attorney "about" me. Ultimately his attorney came around though and saw it for what it was.

I know that there was also familiarity with parental alienation because of the vocabulary used. So twisted because it was more like parental abandonment on his part, but if there's blame to throw, it will get thrown.

[ForeverDad]

I never knew.  But I was expecting my ex to claim, "I need my son!"  However, she stated the reasonable reverse, "My child needs me!"  I never could determine whether she was coached.

Disclaimer:  Once I had custody and majority time six years ago and especially now that our son is grown, the conflict did lessen and we never returned to court.  Her perspective now is that I caused all the problems in the past.  No surprise.

[mart555]

I'm bracing for more blaming, blackmail, and getting framed. 

Take this very seriously.  Get a pocket voice recorder or something. Make backup of your computer stuff where she cannot find it. Online.  Cover your ass. 

When she realizes that she won't be getting what she feels entitled to (per the other thread), things could likely get really nasty...  That's when mine erupted.  10 criminal charges total...  they gave her a package deal and she pleaded guilty for 5.

[defogging]

I know I can do a lot of work on myself, but, I'm pretty sure I'm not the person STBX thinks I am.

The fact that you're writing that tells me you're still in the FOG.  I know, I get it, I've been there brother.  Family members doubting me, her family ceasing communication with me, etc.  You KNOW what the truth is, and what you have or haven't done.  Don't let her scramble your mind.

Take this very seriously.  Get a pocket voice recorder or something. Make backup of your computer stuff where she cannot find it. Online.  Cover your ass. 

Completely agree.  During the last three months of our marriage my iPhone was recording anytime I was with my exPDw.  After all the threats she made to me, all the ways she was brainwashing my kids (and me) to think I was abusive, all the false narratives she spread to everyone, I wanted every bit of evidence to play back.  Whether it be the police showing up at my door unexpectedly, or to play to the courts once I filed.  I never used it, but I'm so happy I had it in my back pocket.  Once I filed, the crazy accusations and fake restraining orders flew faster than you would believe.

Filing was the best move I ever made.  An unbelievable amount of accusations and noise came from the other side in the first two months, and then reality was reinserted and I slowly understood just how screwed up life was behind closed doors.  Get a good, proactive lawyer who isn't afraid to go to bat for you and be loud sometimes.  My lawyer shut down my ex very quickly.  Not by being aggressive, but by using common sense and knowing how the judges would rule if it went to trial.  Please don't fear lawyers and courts. 

[mart555]

An unbelievable amount of accusations and noise came from the other side in the first two months, and then reality was reinserted and I slowly understood just how screwed up life was behind closed doors. 

I find that part is what hurts the most.  It gets confusing by the few good moments, and the fact that the BPD is adamant that they were a good parent / spouse. 

[defogging]

I find that part is what hurts the most.  It gets confusing by the few good moments, and the fact that the BPD is adamant that they were a good parent / spouse. 

It definitely hurts, but it's immeasurably helpful in the long run to go through the stages of grief.  Anger at your ex, anger and embarrassment about how your own family conditioned you to accept that type of relationship as "normal", the sadness of knowing that you are bound to this person for life because of the kids you share together, the guilt you may feel for "breaking up the family" or how you could have done more to keep the family together.

But once you accept it for what it is and release all those feelings you are a much stronger person on the other side.  I can only speak for myself, but I see life and relationships much more clearly now.  I've found it easier to spot people that thrive on drama, and limit contact with them as much as possible.  I'm certainly not perfect, but I know I'm only responsible for my half of things and I now have higher expectations of people if they want to be in my life.

[MeandThee29]

But once you accept it for what it is and release all those feelings you are a much stronger person on the other side.  I can only speak for myself, but I see life and relationships much more clearly now.  I've found it easier to spot people that thrive on drama, and limit contact with them as much as possible.  I'm certainly not perfect, but I know I'm only responsible for my half of things and I now have higher expectations of people if they want to be in my life.

Yes, I had this naïve view that certain people would always be there for me and always get what I was going through. I no longer believe that. I believe that it's healthier to "trust but verify." Some people just drop off because of either your circumstances or theirs. And you have to take that for what it is versus expecting them to be something they aren't.

Most of my close friends are people I've only met in the last few years. I have a handful going back a few decades, but most are newer and from a different background.

I didn't have custody issues, and we took out every tie in the agreement even if it cost me in the short-term. Just not worth it. I  actually believed my ex when he said the divorce would be quick and business-like. Not even close, so that's an arm's length relationship too. There is no trust there at all for me.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I feel all the above comments, thanks.

By nature I seem to want to show others that I'm not the abuser, or as bad as STBX says.  But, then I pause and I realize, I am not beholden to her opinion, so it doesn't matter.

It does give me an odd feeling of insight to STBX, as I think she's using the book Splitting as a blueprint for how to profile me, and how to proceed with divorce.  That might actually work well, because if she's trying to do all the things advised in Splitting, it might take a while, but I could see ending with a good settlement.  With adequate limited contact.  I don't know or care if she will spend time with introspection, and see her own behavior.

And thank you for the advice to be wary.  I have been warned.  I am taking precautions to deter false charges and other shenanigans. I'm on my own DefCon 2 right now. I spent today signing the contested divorce representation papers with my lawyer, so, it's headed to the court shortly.  "War is upon us, whether we will have it or not" (I had to quote Gandalf from the movie). 

[defogging]

It does give me an odd feeling of insight to STBX, as I think she's using the book Splitting as a blueprint for how to profile me, and how to proceed with divorce.  That might actually work well, because if she's trying to do all the things advised in Splitting, it might take a while, but I could see ending with a good settlement.  With adequate limited contact.  I don't know or care if she will spend time with introspection, and see her own behavior.

What I found is that the courts (at least in my area) have already seen it all.  I started out petrified that I was going to have to defend myself from every twisted accusation she could think of.  She tried, never had any proof of anything, and after a few dysfunctional attempts (going around her lawyer at times too) her lawyer reeled her in quickly and rushed to a settlement.  Through all this my lawyer remained calm and collected, and helped me see reality again.  Whenever I was accused of something, he had me write out my response and told me what proof the other side would need or else it would get tossed out.  This went on for a month or two, (and it sucked, I won't lie) but it calmed down pretty fast.  I think the biggest thing is to be ready for it.  I remember when I read "Splitting" I didn't get that much out of it because most of the book was about people being blindsided by accusations and having to react.  If you expect it you're not caught off guard.  But yes, remain wary and expect anything under the sun.  But also expect her accusations to be baseless and without evidence.  In the long run, the behavior from my ex helped me.

By nature I seem to want to show others that I'm not the abuser, or as bad as STBX says.  But, then I pause and I realize, I am not beholden to her opinion, so it doesn't matter.

I can totally relate.  The last two years of my marriage I spent so much effort to be extra nice to her family, and look like a great dad to everyone we knew because I was well aware she was spinning the abusive/alcoholic narrative about me.  At the beginning of the divorce I felt a lot of that too, because I saw the division happening with certain people no longer talking to me.  Then some funny things happened.  A few people that I barely knew came right out and told me they noticed I seemed so much happier.  Some of them made comments like "yeah, I'm not sure about Mom" and it really shocked me. 

I went through some phases with that.  When I filed, I felt like the world turned against me and I had to be over the top nice to prove I was a good person.  Then, I got sick of that (it felt fake) and decided to stop caring what people thought, as long as my kids and I were doing okay nobody else mattered.  That started out somewhat unhealthy, I had a bit of a "F everybody" chip on my shoulder for awhile.  Not that I was rude to people, but I expected everyone to be on her side so they really had to earn my trust for me to open up.  Then, people started being more friendly to me and I opened back up.  It takes awhile, but people eventually forget about your drama and go back to their own lives.  Plus, add in some weird encounters with my ex and they are bound to think "maybe defogging isn't so bad".

Over time I realized that my ex can't possibly get to everyone, and a lot of folks see through her act (some right away).  Other people have their own situations too.  For instance, you're not the only family where in a divorce the mom spreads false rumors about the dad.  There are adults out there who come from divorced homes and have seen it, and will give both sides the benefit of the doubt.  There are people out there who have been through a bad divorce and won't take sides.  So, just ignore those who remain on her side.  I found it best to hold my head high, ignore the noise, and stop worrying about what others might think.  Be the best dad you can as you know how to be, and eventually everyone sees what is really going on.

[MeandThee29]

I think the biggest thing is to be ready for it.  I remember when I read "Splitting" I didn't get that much out of it because most of the book was about people being blindsided by accusations and having to react.  If you expect it you're not caught off guard. 

Yes, I hired a very experienced attorney with a specialty in high conflict divorce because I figured that it was going to be complicated. When you have an attorney at that level talking about his intuition and his gut and ruling out the obvious, you know that you have one of "those" cases. I was amazed at his predictive abilities. So no, not really ever caught off guard. 

At one point, he took a small turn of events and called me when he was on the road headed to court, saying with glee that he thought he had found "the wedge." I was skeptical, but some months later...yup, that was the wedge.