I mean it in the nicest way.
Ive logged in everyday, but less frequently over time.
It sort of upsets i notice other folk get over their issues {i only assume so} and they just disappear. If there was a goodbye or end summary i may have missed it.
Ive dithered to detach and i know a bit why. I've changed in these years. Not radically but enough aggregate to change to notice profound differences in how i behave in relationships.
Ive stayed away from her for around 3 years. She lives 20 minutes away. Knows where i live, work, what she also knows is i haven't reached out like other guys have. But she has not stalked. The most she did was emails and turned up my door. Solution to both, blocked deleted emails. Took a minute to solve. Kept door closed with the locking mechanism. Im not mechanically adept or good with tech but when people bother me, i can use a lock, or take battery out my phone. There is a way if there is a will. {the latter part is crucial}
The tools are there but i never believed I'd use them. On her. Idealised her too much. So then she shouted abuse so whole street could hear. I don't think she was drunk, i can still hear the tone, it was sober, it was fiery cold umbrage. Like the first time i witnessed it. Chilling, ptsd like, but amplified because of just that: "novel' experience.
Shock factor of being confused, can't relate to new phenomenon. I still didn't go outside. I lived in most prestigious neighbourhood of the country, everyone at their windows judging and watching goings on like new York upper east side. Ultra conservative, orderly. If a flower basket goes missing it hits the front page news.
I don't need her nor want her. She had her bpd, i know more about it than i did. As for this group I needed but its now a far nicer feeling to want to stay rather than need to.
There is no heartbreak, this stuff is in the brain not the heart. I can be "cold" too btw. I prove it by doing. I can cut off. Surgical like. Just not automatically.
There isn't a true sense of detachment, a pure sense. She is out there, roaming, grazing as i do too as intelligent beings. But I don't have to be in close proximity. Or anxious if it happens.
I know im recovered because I know i can go out again, get drunk and not blabber about her or depending on the mood go to her door and be disorderly.
I want to still stick around i like/love it here too much. But im going no contact for 2 weeks to prove a point, to myself also. To emphasise on my needs and wants. Action them makes them real.
Sickened me when she said "there's a guy who still chasing me after FOUR years". It eas inappapropiate, it was self gloating, it lacked complete empathy for how Id feel. It did raise a red flag.
Too much inappropriate blethering, a sign of being unwell. I wanted a girlfriend for fun not therapy provision. Or to be emotional swill bucket {object} not person.
I also didn't want to be "one of those guys", although i imagine the reasons more why he was trying. It helped to hear it. Early warning awacs. Useful only if paid attention to.
Well im not going to leave 2 weeks. I don't need to prove any point. I just wanted to make it clear I'm here because i want to don't need to. End of and thanks as always.
