Mother with BPD traits

[Mediterranean]

I have not been diagnosed but believe that I may be suffering from BPD. I have experienced during childhood multiple traumas including physical, emotional and sexual abuse . I suspect that my mother had also BPD and our relationships have always been up and down.
I am so disappointed in myself for having repeated the pattern with my two children who are now adults.
My daughter has been diagnosed with BPD and struggling to cope with life in general. My son has a distant relationship with me and I suspect that he may also have some mental health issues.
People around me keep telling me that " I should not blame myself " but it is hard not too when the truth is in front of you...
I have apologized to both of my children in respect of my behaviour and take responsibility for my actions . I struggle with not blaming myself but also developing a healthy relationship with my children .
Would appreciate any comments.

[Kwamina]

Hi Mediterranean

Once we know better, we can do better. You suspect your mother had BPD and the reality is, that being raised by a BPD mother can be very difficult for children and really affect them long into their adult lives.

What are the behaviors you see in yourself that lead you to believe you might have BPD as well?

Often children of BPD parents will develop certain coping mechanisms to help them survive and get through those difficult times. Those mechanisms certainly have their value at the time, but won't always necessarily serve us that wel in our adult lives.

What also often happens is that children learn certain 'unhealthy' behaviors from their BPD parent. This does not necessarily have to mean they've developed BPD too, just that they learn and internalized what was modelled to them by their parent.

Fortunately through hard work and honest reflection, those coping mechanisms and learned behaviors, can also be unlearned or at least better managed. You acknowledging your own issues and struggles, and trying to make amends to your children, is crucial and really shows your character It takes great strength to allow yourself to be vulnerable, acknowledge your own unhealthy behaviors, and then work on healing yourself and moving forward in a more constructive manner

You mention your daughter being diagnosed with BPD, how long ago did she receive this diagnosis? Is she getting any targeted support or therapy now to help her cope?

I am sorry you have a distant relationship with your son. When you apologized to your children about your own actions, how did they respond?

You have been through a lot in your own childhood, including very serious forms of abuse. Are you currently getting any professional support to help you deal with your childhood traumas?

Take care and welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot

[Mediterranean]

Thank you Parrot board for responding to me in such kind manner.
In response to some of your questions, I do suspect that I may have BPD myself after looking at the criterias . I have a fear of abandonment, poor self image, strong feeling of guilt, moods swings , episodes of anger, risky behaviour ect . In UK , mental health services are extremely stretched and I may have to wait a year to attend therapy which is DBT. My daughter attended the therapy and benefited greatly from it. She is currently in " crisis" and is it is impossible to get any supports for her. The mental health team discharged her after assessing her back to the care of her GP who is not offering any supports. As the previous service is so stretched , my daughter will not be offered a chance to attend further sessions.
I have been opened to both my daughter and son about my own mental health . I feel that they understand some of behaviour which was unacceptable when they were young. I have done my upmost to rectify my past mistakes by being supportive but I do realise the impact that my previous behaviour had had on both.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Mediterranean

Very unfortunate that it's so difficult to get support where you're at.

How is your daughter doing now? You mention her being in crisis, what kinds of behaviors is she currently exhibiting?

There is a site called DBT Self Help that might be helpful. Are you familiar with this site? Here is the link: https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/

The website is a service for people who are seeking information about DBT and was primarily written by people who have been through DBT themselves. Perhaps you'll find this resource useful.

The Board Parrot